How did you envisage your life would be when you reached middle age? Has it drastically changed?

[silverbaubles22]

I'm in my 50's and truly thought that I'd still be happily married when I was this age. What actually happened was my exH got another woman pregnant and we had a horrific divorce. It's still a hard pill to swallow, and financially, I'm not well off since our divorce.
This made me wonder about other and whether other people's dreams went a bit pair shaped?

Yes me too and lonely. Working all the hours god sends. Thought I would have met someone else but I haven’t. Though middle aged men get on my nerves😂 so that’s probably a good thing. Im grateful I am no longer in an abusive marriage so every cloud.

Completely different to how I thought my middle aged would be. Similar to StellaOlivetti. Late 50’s, 2 dc, one working the other at Uni. In the middle of a divorce after 25 years marriage with the last 15 years being cold and distant. Have relocated from idyllic village in the South West to a more gritty town in the North East. No job so worried about finances. Stbx lives overseas so zero financial support - will be living off my half of the proceeds from the house sale until I find a job.
Being honest, after feeling totally wretched for months, I am starting to feel free and happy. One step at a time

I thought I'd have much better health and be mortgage free and maybe able to travel a little.
It looks as if our flat will have to be repossessed (partner currently unable to work at all due to health), I'm on a range of tablets for (admittedly common) several conditions and life is a constant struggle. I work every minute God sends and we still cannot get out of debt. I've had an interesting life but this is not what I thought my life would be at this age.

Coming up to 50. Always expected I would be happily married, with a few kids in their late teens by now, a 'forever' house that I would love, a circle of good friends, leading a busy happy family life.

Instead, never got married, never met a parter to stick with, battled infertility alone for a decade, parents and sibling have died, friends no longer make much effort as they are busy with their families, live alone in a one-bedroom flat, pretty lonely most of the time.

No life is completely different from
What envisioned for myself 🙃

Divorced and happy about it, lovely home, no mortgage, good career, grown up daughter who has spread her wings and flown, in a complicated on/off/on entwinement with a lovely man, dealing with cancer (soon to be gone 🎉)

Life is nothing like I imagined, I have loved most of my life and continue to do so. I'm working hard at letting go of expectations of how it should be, and just letting life flow how my feelings and instincts moves me.

My school bus used to pass a road with some detached, mock Tudor houses. I used to stare through the coach windows and wish that, some day, I might live in a house like that with a little family.
I have far surpassed that dream. I don't know why I got so lucky but I never cease counting my blessings. I am so aware that everything could come crashing down in an instant; I have lost friends to MND and cancer in recent years. The teen that I was, would gasp with disbelief at where I am almost 40 years later.

I am sad to hear where life hasn't turned out as expected, and happy for those where it has.

I didn't actually have any expectation, and just went from day to day (probably like a lot of men, I didn't really think past the next meal). I didn't get together with my wife until we were in our 40's (first time for both of us, and no children).

She is my world and I could never have expected married life to be this good in my wildest dreams. We have been interrupted somewhat by ill health, but I wouldn't swap her for all the tea in China.

Aw thank you for your kind words! I'm researching Turkey at the moment, I plan to go to Istanbul and Cappadocia to see the amazing landscape there and maybe I'll even be brave enough to do the balloon ride.... When I was 47 I went to India on my own for 4 months, after I got made redundant, which was fantastic, so think if I dig deep, I can summon up the courage to go away by myself again!

When my lovely mum was 77 she had a severe stroke which left her paralysed, unable to speak or to swallow food and was just lying in a hospice bed for the next four and a half years, which was utterly heartbreaking to witness. She didn't drink or smoke and her life changed in a heartbeat. I definitely feel that I have a limited amount of time to do stuff, so I'm trying to feel positive about turning 60 and use it as fuel, rather than just getting a bit depressed about it.

Hugs to everyone on here going through difficult times, but it's kind of comforting to know that we're not alone. X

Relationship wise, my partner and I have been together 30+ years & we are perhaps the strongest/closest we've been for the last 5 years. Dd is now settled at college after a really challenging time at secondary school. All good on the relationship/family front.
I'm currently changing jobs as I feel I'm unable to keep up with my job & the advances in technology that come with that. I've had to acknowledge that the perimenopause has stolen my good sleep pattern & my memory. Fatigue, brain fog, and a loss of patience has made me realise that I need to change my role to bring myself some mental calm. All of these symptoms persist despite seeing an excellent private menopause specialist & being treated with HRT. I never expected to be in this position due to my health.

Enjoy your planning and then go for it! I was dreading turning 60 too, but spent it in Peru last month. It was a group tour with a bunch of strangers but saw amazing sights and had more fun than waiting at home for flaky 'friends' to decide if they'd be free to meet up.

I didn't think I would get married, then I did. I started to think about how it would be when we retired and had time for each other and not just the craziness of children. It wasn't to be (widow). I'm now having to forge a different life again without him, and I think that's how life is; every time you think you've cracked it, something else happens, and it just keeps going. Not always good, not always bad. It's hard, though, to keep remaking your life and that's why I think old people get tired of doing so.

55. Never married, no kids, although didn't particularly expect any of that. 2 relationships, one that ended tragically that has had a lasting effect upon me. Adult life up until 50 had not been unkind to me. Health is take for granted. Planning on relocation soon- would never have expected that.

The short answer....!

Until a few years ago, I would have said the only disappointment is that careers are so boring and unfulfilling. I never wanted to get married and have children so no issues there.

What has been shocking is loss of friends post lockdown and elderly parents issues. My friends meant the world to me and I never contemplated a life without them - until I had to 🤷🏻‍♀️ Still can't get over it tbh.

The other thing I never factored in was elderly parents. Given my parents had health problems when I was a teenager, I wasn't really expecting to hit 40 and still have parents. I know people on here think over 40 is old, but it's not, especially if you don't have kids.

I think it's going to hit me even harder later that I lost so much time in my forties to elderly parents. It feels like lost youth. I'm 48 now and I still feel very young ... except when I remember I have my mother and all the associated issues.

I have to try not to think about it. It's too sad. And it's super weird, co ordinating someone's care etc while trying to shove it to the back of your mind whenever you can.

I didn't have dreams. I expected dreary failure. So ... things are pretty good since I didn't get dreary failure.

I'm finding this thread really moving. So many shattered hopes due to awful men. It's enraging and saddening.

I'm 2 years off 50, happily married, one beautiful DD. Nice house in London, we have our health. Career has gone well so far.

I have now all the things I wanted to have as a young woman, I think I've been very lucky.

But I don't know what the end game is really, or what I'm aiming for anymore. We had DD late after fertility problems so I'm focused on getting her to adulthood as well as I can.

I don't want to retire or move, but I'll need significant funds to stay in London. I don't know how much longer I can stay in my job as it's senior and pressured. I do feel tired. Money is a struggle.

I'm 55. Relationships have never worked out for me. I'm not sure I'm really designed to be in one. I like the idea of them but the reality is never what I'd hoped. So I've decided not to bother any more.

I had DC young (DS & DD) so they are now mid 30s. We have such a good relationship and so I have zero regrets that I spent my 20s raising children, because now I get to spend time with amazing adults, while still being "young" enough to keep up with them! And hopefully we have a lot more years left together. Neither want DC of their own, they're not even fully sold on being in a relationship, so we spend a fair bit of time together. I'm not at all bothered about not having GC. It's not something I particularly "pictured".

I don't own a home, it's housing association but I never really expected to. Having mainly been single and not starting a decent career until 35, it was highly unlikely. But I am now in a really lovely victorian place (my favourite type of houses), which I've done up how I wanted it. I love my home. As I'm in London it's actually worth close to a million. So I could never have bought something like this. So have no complaints on that score.

Career wise all good. Low stress, wfh (which I love), decent pay. I'm not anywhere near rich! But I have enough to pay my bills, buy more or less what I want, go on holidays etc. And I've been really poor in the past so I massively appreciate it.

So I think on balance, my life has probably gone better than I expected. I had a very neglectful/abusive childhood. Left home at 16 and more or less straight into a relationship with DC's dad, who was abusive, hence me ending up a single mum. There's many ways my life could have gone horribly wrong. So I'm grateful for everything I have.

I'm almost 50 and feel very lucky to be where I am right now.

I'm still married to my husband of 20 years, we have reconnected in the last few years - I really thought we would probably be divorced by now - and I'm truly grateful we are in a good place.
We have a large family, someone is always wanting me for something, but I've realised over the years I don't like being on my own and love all the noise and chaos. The kids are getting a bit older so I have free time to do things for me, my elderly parents are still here and independent and I love my job.

I know this will not always be the case but I do my best not to dwell too much on the future as its a bit scary to think of it all changing.

I should add, I am grateful for what I do have! 😂

Had horrific depression and mood swings from aged 17 until finally being diagnosed with bi polar aged 50 after a pretty spectacular breakdown. Finally got proper medication and it has been a total revelation and game changer for me. I can finally enjoy life. For me life began at 50. I am grateful for having a breakdown as without that l might still be struggling to understand my hatred of life and probably would have ended up killing myself. I now love life and am busy making up for all those lost years. Grateful for every day now. Wish l had got help earlier and do regret that but better late than never

Yup all gone to shit for me too. Left an abusive husband. Clawed my way out of poverty and I found a new partner who was amazing. Then my autistic son got kicked out of school and no SEN school could meet need so I had to stop work. I had literally just got pregnant to top it off. Partner tried for a bit but couldn't cope with the financial burden supporting us and none of my time or attention as my son had such high needs. It broke us.

So now I'm single and poor and can't work and can't socialise as have a high need son with me all the time. When I don't have him I'm so exhausted I just sleep.

I never considered that having a disabled child was a possibility and it never occurred to me that such children frequently don't get provided am education. I've met many many women who have to quit work to care for ND kids as our government and LAs don't provide schools for many of them.

I feel judged and ashamed I rely on benefits. I've lost all of who I am and am just a carer. Can't pay my mortgage off and can't pay into a pension. My health is suffering. When I can no longer care for my child and get benefits as a carer what will my old age look like?

I've been failed by the education system for my kid but the child's father then step father get to walk away and keep their jobs and life while I'm stuck here alone struggling. Hard not to hate men

I'm 54, divorced with 2 teens. Lost everything in the split, house, career, moved back to England.
Love my 50s feel like I know who I am now. I had no expectations so... its been an amazing ride so far!
Dating a wonderful man, have busy job and heavily involved in variety of charity work.
THE EX PAYS nothing but I feel no shame going to food banks.
We are poor, but happy

I am 52. I have my health and fitness, the profession I wanted from age 14, two healthy kids, and a marriage that has been to the brink before we decided to reset, forgive all past failings and start again.

I thought I would stop working after having kids but it turns out, that much as I love them, I was not cut out for being a SAHM.

On balance, get way life has played out is way better than my teenage vision.

SoSadForPoorDH
Pip for your health concerns?

Great question. I have been thinking about this a lot myself having reached 52 and my feelings about it vary from day to day (thanks Menopause mood swings!).
Always had a plan - was going to be an actress and work abroad developing forum and community theatres in developing countries.
Instead it went like this:
Wanted to act and was told I would never get into drama school - it was for 'othertype' people etc.
Got rejected from lots of drama schools.
Tried again. Same again.
Tried again and got accepted to lots of drama schools.
Trained to act - got bored.
Presented for TV - not quite it.
Production for TV - better but no cigar.
Got pregnant.
Had baby!
Ended up homeless - then homed in a hostel - then gratefully housed.
Got another TV job.
Emigrated.
Had abusive relationship abroad.
Had another lovely baby.
Moved back to UK to care for Grandparent in 90s.
Retrained in public sector/helpful type job I thought would be boring but stable for my kids.
Fell in love again.
Moved for love again.
Got exploited by man again.
Independent again.
Fell in love with my job finally!
Now independent parent to two amazing young people and blessed to have a wonderful relationship with stepdaughter from previous relationship.
Have a house, a mortgage, a dog, a budget so tight it shrieks; lots of friends and family.

Made loads of mistakes and had adventures. Took risks, not all of which paid off in the way I imagined...but grateful to always find my feet again.
Up and down, but never bored.

What next? I dream of a little cottage in the country, but am tempted to spend a year travelling in a camper van first with the dog. We shall see!