DH - not sure what is normal anymore

[Namechange2272]

Named changed but regular poster. Back story is myself and DH have been married for 20 years. Two kids - early teens.

I actually don't know what is a normal interaction anymore so I'm unsure if I am in the wrong or he is. He was going to meet a mutual friend this afternoon to do an activity. The friend is actually closer to me but I have no interest in the activity and it is something they both enjoy so I encouraged him to go to it.

On the way to dropping him to the train station I handed him a gift bag and asked him would he give to our friend. It is a belated birthday gift and I won't see her for a few weeks as we live about an hour away from each other. He went mad and said he wasn't carrying a bag into town and that I always 'have an agenda'. I stayed calm and said it is just a gift and you literally have to carry it on the train and hand it over when you see her.

This led to a massive row and after huffing and puffing he agreed to take the gift bag and give it to her. He has gone off on the train without a second thought and I'm left feeling exhausted and angry. I have asked him to see someone for his angry outbursts (road rage and general negative attitude) and he refuses.

But I actually don't know what is normal anymore and if I'm out of order. Would love some outside perspective on this.

Hi. Is he abusive in other ways?
Does he hit walls, control what you spend, control where you go?
Have you any children?

That's not normal. In fact I'd go so far to say that's downright batshit.

If that's a typical interaction, I'd be looking at my options for separating.

He sounds very unpleasant. His behaviour is not that of a loving husband.

No, it’s not normal or healthy. A healthy person would calmly say, “I don’t really want to take it because I’ll feel silly carrying it.” They wouldn’t have an explosive angry outburst them tear down your character by saying you have an agenda.

You might want to read this and see if you recognise any other characteristics and behaviours which sound like your husband.

https://www.docdroid.net/2fZmz40/why-does-he-do-that-pdf

She says she has two children in her opening paragraph.

So he's off on a jolly with a female friend and doesn't want the aggravation of carrying a bag which he'll immediately pass on to her? What a miserable bastard.

What's he like the rest of the time? The fact you're worried about what's normal is very concerning.

Was a huge overreaction on his part, childish. But I think this is the norm for some people, the inability to notice how their behaviour affects others. If you want to stay together tell him that if it doesn't change and he doesn't treat you with more respect then it's over, that you don't expect a full on battle offer something as minor as carrying a gift for a friend.

Two kids. Doesn't control me but I'd say only because I have a strong personality.

He is just angry all the time. Good in some ways - will make me a cup of tea or collect/bring the kids to activities. Helps around the house but it definitely isn't 50:50

I'm currently in therapy and have been discussing separating with him

Thanks. I actually have the book but need to revisit it. After the outburst and tantrum that is exactly what he said about feeling silly and opted to put it in a carrier bag.

He has really good elements to him but also this reaction is quite typical of him. He is highly anxious and volatile. I did consider not asking him so I know I walk around on eggshells a lot of the time. I genuinely feel like I have lost perspective.

My friends and family think he is wonderful. We did split once before and I didn't get any support from my family.

I've asked him to go and see someone for his angry outbursts. He blames it on his ADHD but I think it is bullshit because he doesn't have angry outbursts in work or with his friends.

Some time ago I met a lovely intelligent woman who I had a lot of shared interests with. So we became very friendly. I then I realised that this new friend of mine always had little requests and wouldn't take no for an answer. She just literally woudln't take no for an answer. When she told me she had many experiences when people shouted at her I initially sympathised. Fast forward 2 years and I ended up at the end of my tether at her complete lack of ability to take no for an answer. "No, it's not convenient for me to pick up vegan icecream and keep it in my freezer as my freezer is full already". Silly little thing but it broke the camel's back. To my big surpirse, I ended up shouting at her and we broke up. I judge people less harshly now

He doesn't sound much of a husband or father TBH.

The anger isn’t normal. I get the not wanting to take a gift in that situation but explosive anger isn’t an appropriate way to respond to the request. His comment that you “always have an agenda” sounds like he feels you manipulate him often, though, and he doesn’t have a way to stand his ground (I note he ended up doing what you wanted). It could be that the anger has built over time because of his lack of skill in this regard.

Counseling might help, he would need individual counseling first as couples counseling if he’s just going to have angry outbursts isn’t going be productive.

Absolute batshit abusive relationship which your gut is screaming at you.

Get organised and don't discuss it further.
This is who he is.

Let your children experience a home without this.
They deserve that, so do you.

The saying I have an agenda is something he always says to me. So I like to multitask as all the emotional load and house organisation falls to me. So today I wanted to drop some bags into the charity shop on the way to dropping him to the station. I view that as being organised/productive. He would say it is me having an agenda. If I left the charity bags they would just sit there for the next 10 years.

He sounds like a spoilt brat.

He isn't carrying the mental load and won't even contribute to helping you with it

Thank you. Yes my gut has been screaming at me for the last 12 years. I am not happy and he isn't either. But he would rather we stayed together miserable as he is very dependant on me. He won't make any decisions without me. Even asking me to give the okay on a natural deodorant he was looking at purchasing. It's that level of decision making he won't commit to. I'm not controlling I couldn't care less what deodorant he buys.

He has a tantrum when I ask him to help sort things out. Like going to the dump or help organise the house. It's soul destroying

In some ways that sounds like a difference in approaches to life where your way always wins. Though if he isn’t pulling his weight around the house I can see why his complaints about you multitasking when with him would seem really unreasonable. Both could be true.

I don't always win though because 90% of the time I avoid making a request like today because of the response I'll get. So more often than not I'll tackle the thing myself.

Arguably, that’s why he has learnt to respond like this. To avoid the request. I have a similar DH and dynamic. It is soul destroying.

Is he medicated for his ADHD?

ADHD? Where did the OP say he has an ADHD diagnosis? People can just be arseholes.

Yes - it's easier just not to ask and get on with it myself. This afternoon I asked because I won't see our friend for a while and it seemed ridiculous not to pass on the gift. I was sorry I bothered.

He creates a lot of chaos in this house with untidiness and disorganisation and it's exhausting trying to counteract that. Especially when he pushes against me.