DH - not sure what is normal anymore

[Namechange2272]

Named changed but regular poster. Back story is myself and DH have been married for 20 years. Two kids - early teens.

I actually don't know what is a normal interaction anymore so I'm unsure if I am in the wrong or he is. He was going to meet a mutual friend this afternoon to do an activity. The friend is actually closer to me but I have no interest in the activity and it is something they both enjoy so I encouraged him to go to it.

On the way to dropping him to the train station I handed him a gift bag and asked him would he give to our friend. It is a belated birthday gift and I won't see her for a few weeks as we live about an hour away from each other. He went mad and said he wasn't carrying a bag into town and that I always 'have an agenda'. I stayed calm and said it is just a gift and you literally have to carry it on the train and hand it over when you see her.

This led to a massive row and after huffing and puffing he agreed to take the gift bag and give it to her. He has gone off on the train without a second thought and I'm left feeling exhausted and angry. I have asked him to see someone for his angry outbursts (road rage and general negative attitude) and he refuses.

But I actually don't know what is normal anymore and if I'm out of order. Would love some outside perspective on this.

Ah, you use time and car fuel efficiently. You dastardly minx. 🙄. Yep, he’s batshit

Another day and another tantrum. This morning it was because DS forgot his lunch and I said he'd need to drop it into the school. I ended up dropping it in myself because of his strop and just about made it to my desk to start work. He had an appointment an hour later so had far more disposable time than me this morning.

@Namechange2272 how much longer are you going to put up with this shit? And make your kids put up with it?
How about about ignoring his emotional blackmail using your dc and get on and sort out divorcing him? Don’t tell him til it’s job done, he’s had chance after chance. He won’t change.

I've told him we are going to marriage guidance counselling after Christmas. This is with a view to us separating as amicably as possible. He isn't aware this is the reason why

@Namechange2272 Brilliant! Well done you, wishing you all the best with everything - hopefully 2025 will be the start of a much better life for you and the dc.

In this reply
Namechange2272 · 30/11/2024 15:15

The OP says that due to his behaviour/outbursts, 90% of the time she avoids making similar requests. You are suggesting that for the 10% of the time she does ask for a slight change of plan, she must pander to him completely and never do this. So everything revolves around him 100% of the time? That is unreasonable.

@Namechange2272 are you me ? i could have written a lot of what you wrote.

I have to plan when I mention things to DH or need to ask him about something. I never ever ask him to do anything as he either moans to hells/says it's not necessary or says he has no idea what I am asking him to do. And this is for mundane things like when shall we get the xmas tree. He is unable to make a decision and defers to me all the time for everything.

I no longer stand in a queue with DH, go to a shop, go to a busy town eg London and I avoid getting in a car when he is driving, as much as I can. He is horrific with his angry outbursts/reactions/behaviours in crowds/busy places and road rage. The road rage has been so bad that he has been followed by a motorist DH made rude gestures to and someone once started a fight with him in a car park after his person blocked DH in following DHs road rage. I walked off.

I don't necessarily tiptoe around DH, I just never ask him to do anything to minimalise any outbursts and keep a calm household. I rarely discuss anything with him as I get very little to no response, so I now just get on with it, especially if its something he won't necessarily notice. I do a lot of things without telling him as it's just easier.

Your DH was being totally ridiculous about the gift bag. But my Dh would have reacted exactly the same way.

In terms of having an agenda - I once asked DH if he wanted picky bits for tea. He said what is that. I said it's bits we can pick at, a bit like a picnic but in the living room. He said ''there is obviously something you specifically want us to have to eat tonight why don't you just come out and say what it is''. I walked off at that point.

This, he is batshit!

It would irritate my husband if I asked him to do this, particularly if I sprung it on him just as he was getting out of the car.

He would probably say he would rather not carry it and I wouldn't insist.

@themadhatterwithtea my god. Your life with your h sounds horrific.

I'm so sorry.

Is it scary when he drives? This is so abusive. All of it.

I hope you can have a happier life and mental peace.

My heart goes out to you. I completely and totally understand. I know what you are going through.

Be prepared for things to ramp up if you say you want to separate, this is what happened to me and (also a friend of mine, a few years before me,) who luckily enough spotted what was happening and warned me about this.

He might get violent, he might fake illness, he might lie, he will do anything to keep you and not let you proceed with the separation and make him feel any discomfort. Be careful.

At a time when are already doubting the reasons you have for leaving are ‘good enough’ this will be unbelievably hard. Stay strong. Keep reading and keep posting. You will get good support here x

Was the gift from both of you? Was it just your name on the card? Was he embarrassed he hadn’t brought anything? Did you drop off the charity bags and get the gift to demonstrate your efficiency? Do you have an agenda?

It sounds like pathological demand avoidance, which can present with ADHD.

I also wanted to say that it doesn’t matter how nice he can be sometimes, if he is making you feel bad all the time and is being so incredibly difficult all the time then it’s ok to leave. Someone left Brad Pitt.
Things don’t work out. You don’t have to explain to anyone.

But also look into this, are you are a person who is drawn to men like this? Do you always try to make difficult people happy?

If so then you need to be aware of this for the future. Continue with your counselling and good luck!

It sounds unnecessarily stressful.
Has he had any therapy? Could he be suffering from BPD or another MH issue?

If he's angry all the time it seems more like severe depression than BPD as that usually makes people seem very upset but get over it quickly. In my experience. Does he apologise for snapping/being rude?

Either way he's not treating you nicely. If it's worth trying to help him get better, would he listen to you? Would he see a doctor or therapist?

I hope you realise you don't deserve it and his unreasonable behaviour is all about him, not you. X

What are you getting out of this relationship now?.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here?.

He is both a terrible husband to you and father to his children and if you do not act decisively going forward they could end up like him or put up with abuse because they’ve seen you do it.

He is doing this because he can OP. He also refuses to see anyone about this too. He is angry because he is abusive.

Would not bother doing any joint counselling with him as it’s not recommended where there is abuse of any type within the relationship. He’s not like this to other people like his work colleagues is he?. No it’s for you people that his abuse is aimed at. Seek
legal advice and start the process of divorce going forward.

He has previously refused to see anyone and ADHD etc is no excuse or justification for how he behaves in front of the OP and her children.

@BlastedPimples he cannot do a 5 minute journey without either tooting the horn/making hand gestures or driving so far up someone's arse. He even had road rage driving me to hospital for an operation. I was already an anxious mess as it was, let alone with his road rage on top. He was in fact driving dangerously and he almost missed the turning to the hospital on the motorway because if it. But of course it is never his fault (his words).

I am currently trying to manage Christmas. He is tight and would spend very little, I want to spend what we have/can for the DC. Yet DH will happily blow £100 on a meal for 2 at the local curry house on a random week night.

I have been through many many circle phases with DH - loving him, hating him, loathing him, loving him, gushing after him, planning my exit with DC - and repeat. Currently in a loving/gushing phase and cannot get enough of him BUT after reading this thread I have realised that DH behaviour is not normal and right now I am thinking about him with some contempt

Examples: Shouting f**k vegans if we see a vegan restaurant. He even did it when we saw someone running with a t shirt with a vegan slogan on. Same for gluten free too. He goes mental if he sees planet based food advert or in a shop/restaurant or even just those words. Starts getting the arse in a queue he cannot control himself. It was embarrassing going to vote earlier this year and there was a small queue He was kicking off.

You must be on tenterhooks the whole time.

There is something very wrong with your h.

Just like there is something very wrong with my exh.

Make 2025 the year you and he finally part ways. It does your children and you no favours whatsoever to stay with someone like this. Do read Dr Joe Carver’s article called The Loser.

@Namechange2272 how has he reacted to that decisive request and did you tell him it’s with a view to separate.
Good on you, my ex H was like this and like you I would be walking on egg shells and running myself ragged to do everything myself in order to avoid an abusive tantrum.

I don't think this stacks up, as he is consciously not accepting the role of an equal.

you are saying: "You're not treating him as an equal whose agreement is sought when your desires impact on his time/life."

but he is not pulling his weight, abandoning his duties as parent and partner, so yes, his wants of being treated as an equal fall short as the OP is doing a 2-people job on her own.

@Namechange2272 the comment about having an agenda is familiar to me - my ExDH had similar complaints, my 'agenda' usually meant basic adult life admin being done, ideally with his assistance. This was labeled as agenda, which is surely the opposite of an agenda (which would be self serving) as the benefit of having life admin done would benefit us both.

Him delivering a gift to a mutual friend is part of cementing the social glue of a friendship, he is benefiting from it. clothing being dropped off to a charity shop means he and his family can enjoy a clutter free home, so again, he is benefitting from this. so his whole agenda bullshit is nonsensical.

he managed to make you feel guilty for sorting out his life.

"But he would rather we stayed together miserable as he is very dependant on me." Well too bad. He needs to learn how to be a functioning adult and I hope you find a better life without this tantruming man-toddler next year.

agree- think he has narcissistic traits underneath it all.