DH - not sure what is normal anymore

[Namechange2272]

Named changed but regular poster. Back story is myself and DH have been married for 20 years. Two kids - early teens.

I actually don't know what is a normal interaction anymore so I'm unsure if I am in the wrong or he is. He was going to meet a mutual friend this afternoon to do an activity. The friend is actually closer to me but I have no interest in the activity and it is something they both enjoy so I encouraged him to go to it.

On the way to dropping him to the train station I handed him a gift bag and asked him would he give to our friend. It is a belated birthday gift and I won't see her for a few weeks as we live about an hour away from each other. He went mad and said he wasn't carrying a bag into town and that I always 'have an agenda'. I stayed calm and said it is just a gift and you literally have to carry it on the train and hand it over when you see her.

This led to a massive row and after huffing and puffing he agreed to take the gift bag and give it to her. He has gone off on the train without a second thought and I'm left feeling exhausted and angry. I have asked him to see someone for his angry outbursts (road rage and general negative attitude) and he refuses.

But I actually don't know what is normal anymore and if I'm out of order. Would love some outside perspective on this.

I have a husband like this. I pointed out this is passive-aggresive way of communicating many moons ago. We are still together. He doesn't do anything but then complains if things are done my way. I had to learn that anything less than an enthusiastic "yes" means "no" in his language. And I had to learn to comment positively on every little bit of initiative. And I have long ago stopped asking for any favours unless it's really super important to me. A gift for a friend or 10 bags meant for the charity shop wouldn't fall in that category for me. I would say we are reasonably happy together.

At the end of the day, you need to make a strategic decision whether you want to live with your husband as he is or you would be better off separating. The fact that your husband is perfectly reasonable with other people but shouts at you tell me there is something in you that triggers him. You may well decide you are not going to change your personality and this is your prerogative. But you are not going to change your husband.

No. He tried it once and didn't like the effects. Refuses to now and I don't push the medication part. I do strongly feel he needs to see someone to deal with his emotional dysregularion. He refuses this also.

I mentioned it a few posts up. He has been diagnosed with ADHD and uses it to excuse his behaviour. I don't agree with this myself as he can and does control his outbursts I work and with friends.

Thanks. Yep he won't change.

We are never on the same team. That's not sustainable for me. Nor is walking on eggshells and second guessing normal requests.

There are many, many men like this. Sweetness and light with colleagues, family and friends but absolute bastards to their wives - which means they absolutely can control it. He's a bully OP and he's got used to talking to you like shit, just because he can. With anyone else he'd get a punch in the fucking gob and he knows it. ADHD or not (probably not) I suggest you salvage what you can of your life and leave him.

I'm the one with ADHD and very prone to being untidy etc. my mess is confined to my floordrobe because that's being and adult and parent you pick up your own shit and so your share of organising etc.

It sounds like you are done. He doesn't want to work as a team.

OP, just be mindful, that "get rid of your useless husband" is the default advice on Mumsnet. As if splitting the family and becoming a single mum to two angry teenagers is the easiest thing to do. I am not saying you mustn't split up. Just be careful as Mumsnet is usually very one-sided

Do you not discuss your agenda ahead of time, or do you spring it on him/people?
Even the night or two before, as you’re staging stuff for the charity shop or putting the bag together?

in my experience I’m always worried about missing flights/trains and discovering my partner wants to drop stuff off en route there would stress me, could you not simply do it on your own after drop off?
Gift bag, awkward on a train or plane. With time I could fit it into baggage.

Silly? Because you are carrying a gift bag?

This is similar to my dynamic. I'm inclined towards constant busy-ness, I fit lots into a day and that's normal for me. My husband is the opposite, very much slower and doesn't like being 'sprung on' with last minute things. He gets things done but at a much slower pace. We've split out the chores accordingly and it works for us.

If I want him to do something a bit quicker then he gets advance notice of it so he can 'limber up'. Works ok for us.

OP, your husband shouldn't be shouting at you, that isn't normal.

I am married a long time, but had an angry selfish father.
He ruined my childhood with his moods and temper.
I cut him out of my life decades ago, and wouldn't relent.
I never ever regretted it.
My husband is not like this.
I wouldn't tolerate it.
I wouldn't tolerate it for my children.
It absolutely destroys childhoods.
Divorce does not destroy children when they leave an angry man behind full time.
Your husband is fine outside but treats you like shit.
He only stays because it suits him.
Its not about you or your children.

Do this for your children.
Get away from him.
They will thank you.

Take your time and get quietly organised.
No point in further engagement.
That time has past.

Not normal, this man is an angry twat with issues.
Sorry. 🙁

Sounds like the cycle of abuse to me. Angry outbursts then nice, keep you off kilter and walking on eggshells waiting for the next explosion. Def read the book. It’s a shame that your family weren’t supportive but if you decide to leave, speak to women’s aid for advice on how to make an exit plan.

That’s a cope out. If he doesn’t do it around others then he’s chowing to do it to you. Thats premeditated and therefore abuse.

Well he will have to get a grip and learn to get on with it if you decide to leave him

That’s what you’re focusing on from my response? Really? I was just using that as an example because I needed to give an example and I’ve heard many men say that they feel silly or awkward carrying bags. Turns out that’s exactly what he said, according to the OP.

My dad is like that.
im now in therapy trying to process the PTSD from it. Took me a long time too to realise that no it’s not normal.

My mum is still with him. She won’t divorced now (both early 80s) but us still walking on eggshell on a regular basis and lament she can’t talk about anything with him. Quite a lonely life.
Like your dh, my dad is nice on many levels but just doesn’t control his temper around my mum (or me and his dgc)

All that to say. Nope not normal.

The fact that he can control himself with other people, and he blames his ADHD for his behaviour shows that he has no interest in changing how he behaves - and no desire to change.

You and the dc deserve better. It sounds exhausting and soul-destroying living with him.

So he’s creating chaos, leaving all the chores to you and using you as a punching bag (metaphorically) when you dare to request the smallest bit of assistance - which means you rarely ask for assistance? Presumably it hasn’t always been like this or you wouldn’t have married him. Do you think there was a particular point at which things changed, or has it just been a long slow slide? Does he have good qualities? Do you want to live with him?

I've asked him to go and see someone for his angry outbursts. He blames it on his ADHD but I think it is bullshit because he doesn't have angry outbursts in work or with his friends.

OP, that is absolutely classic behaviour by bullies. The poor souls can’t stop themselves attacking —verbally if not physically — their wives or children or anyone they can intimidate. They just can’t help it. Yet miraculously they have full control over their rage when they know they won’t get away with it.

I hope you get yourself and DC away from this bully, and enjoy a happy home.

Definitely batshit. WTF did he mean by “agenda”?

At a stretch, I could see that if you were asking him to drop the gift off to someone he didn’t know who lived in the area he was going to ie expecting him to do you a favour in return for dropping him at the station. But you were asking him to give his friend a present.

He is a crank

@Namechange2272 After the outburst and tantrum that is exactly what he said about feeling silly and opted to put it in a carrier bag.

Isn't this the problem men have all over the world? I have a similar one who's mostly a good guy but similarly would be angry at this. They're so fragile, so easily intimidated. Carrying a gift in a bag for a train journey caused a grown man to have a meltdown- what woman anywhere would GAF about carrying a gift (or anything!) on a train to give to a friend?!
This is why they're so easily bullied, so easily led to follow nasty bullying dictators be they Andrew Tate, Islamic State, Putin, Trump, Bolsonaro etc etc. Fragile egos that can't stand up for themselves let alone their women or their kids.
Then moan that not enough happens on International Mens Day (like women should've done it for them!).
Sorry for the rant and obvy NAMALT but TMM.

It’s funny how these men can control their anger in other situations. My ex is not the same person to the world as he is behind closed doors. People genuinely wouldn’t believe it. I told him a few times he needed to go to anger management, he actually did go to counselling after we split, because I didn’t want to get with him. Problem is, his version of events was probably far from the truth. He overstepped the line when he started on my oldest son (not his child) and couldn’t believe he couldn’t sweet talk his way out of it.

I don’t have to put up with his moods and childish silent treatment but he’s not happy with his partner (no wonder given he married her on a whim) and i’ve no doubt she’s getting the same treatment as I got. I just hope he doesn’t start on her child. DS2 (his son, not eldest) does visit when he’s home from uni, but DD won’t. His temper has essentially cost him everything. I know he bitterly regrets his behaviour, but it’s sadly a part of him (he is otherwise a nice person and despite our split, we have remained on friendly terms for our DC and I know he has many good traits, and wish he would sort out his anger and how he reacts to situations. He has a very high profile job, which involves a lot of diplomacy and negotiation. He has no issue doing this and has gone far in his career. So he clearly can control it.

This guy won’t change. It’s your call what the future is for you, but I don’t regret leaving. I grew up in an environment which means I cannot and will not live in a home where i’m walking on eggshells. As a child, i had no choice, but as an adult i’ll take living alone with my DC in a calm and no shouting household any day.

I'd be gone.

I wouldn't be discussing separating from him - I would be moving full pelt to divorce. If you start divorce proceedings now then you'll be shot of him by 2026.

His adhd is unmanaged, he sounds doctor avoidant and at the sharp end of the spectrum with the chaos and disorganisation that you have mentioned.
He sounds dreadful.
Can't manage himself.
Has shat on you for years.
He's never going to get better.

You'd be better off on your own.

It’s not normal

not normal to take the gift because he was embarrassed to carry it - but yeah okay I could have some sympathy for that … but the angry outbursts hard no

your life will be a delight when you manage to escape him