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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

DH - not sure what is normal anymore

104 replies

Namechange2272 · 30/11/2024 14:52

Named changed but regular poster. Back story is myself and DH have been married for 20 years. Two kids - early teens.

I actually don't know what is a normal interaction anymore so I'm unsure if I am in the wrong or he is. He was going to meet a mutual friend this afternoon to do an activity. The friend is actually closer to me but I have no interest in the activity and it is something they both enjoy so I encouraged him to go to it.

On the way to dropping him to the train station I handed him a gift bag and asked him would he give to our friend. It is a belated birthday gift and I won't see her for a few weeks as we live about an hour away from each other. He went mad and said he wasn't carrying a bag into town and that I always 'have an agenda'. I stayed calm and said it is just a gift and you literally have to carry it on the train and hand it over when you see her.

This led to a massive row and after huffing and puffing he agreed to take the gift bag and give it to her. He has gone off on the train without a second thought and I'm left feeling exhausted and angry. I have asked him to see someone for his angry outbursts (road rage and general negative attitude) and he refuses.

But I actually don't know what is normal anymore and if I'm out of order. Would love some outside perspective on this.

OP posts:

Specso · 06/12/2024 17:19

Not normal behaviour at all and can’t be blamed on ADHD. My partner has it and wouldn’t act like that.

I have observed that some men do have a weird aversion to carrying bags, particularly gift bags and this also extends to umbrellas for some reason!?

However it was a total over reaction, suggesting you have an agenda is ridiculous and this kind of nonsense is so tedious in relationships. It’s not just this one incident, it builds up with these silly little things every day and ends up killing your attraction to them.

ImNotShpanishImEgyptshun · 06/12/2024 17:24

Dolphinnoises · 06/12/2024 12:42

It sounds like pathological demand avoidance, which can present with ADHD.

I was thinking this as well. I have a son with it and we have to do a similar amount of managing to stop what are basically anxiety driven meltdowns. He's a lot better now he's on ADHD medication in terms of anger and pure overreaction.

unclemtty · 06/12/2024 21:42

InNeedofAdvice1234 · 30/11/2024 15:22

Some time ago I met a lovely intelligent woman who I had a lot of shared interests with. So we became very friendly. I then I realised that this new friend of mine always had little requests and wouldn't take no for an answer. She just literally woudln't take no for an answer. When she told me she had many experiences when people shouted at her I initially sympathised. Fast forward 2 years and I ended up at the end of my tether at her complete lack of ability to take no for an answer. "No, it's not convenient for me to pick up vegan icecream and keep it in my freezer as my freezer is full already". Silly little thing but it broke the camel's back. To my big surpirse, I ended up shouting at her and we broke up. I judge people less harshly now

Edited

But if you were married and she wanted to put some vegan icecream in the full freezer...you'd shout at her????
Do you realise how horrible that is, abusive in fact?

Yes some friendships are one sided and should be avoided.
Op is describing her marriage, one in which she's walking on eggshells because her DH is an aggressive arsehole.

unclemtty · 06/12/2024 21:45

Op. If he's ADHD then he could be ASD. If he could be ASD he could be PDA.

I couldn't like like that and I wouldn't want to be a child raised in a dysfunctional environment (well I was and I wish my parents had just divorced rather than fight and bicker and be endlessly unkind, my mum was a 'strong' woman, but I wished she'd been 'weaker' and walked away and taken us too).

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