Should I cancel my wedding that’s in 3 months?

[Unhappyinlove]

This is my first post. I just really need some help from people who don’t know me or my fiance.

We are due to get married in February 2025 and I just don’t know if what we are going through is pre-wedding stress or the relationship is unsalvageable. We have been on the brink of break up a few times in the last month. His behaviour never changes. Golf and drinking take priority over me. His job is the most important thing in his life and it causes so much stress. He is a police officer and I worry that he sees his work colleagues as his family. He is out with them very often.

most recently, we got very close to breaking up. I said I needed more time with him, that I was feeling neglected, and he said things would change. He gets four rest days and on those days he went drinking and played golf. No time spent with me. He said tonight we could go for dinner then was annoyed that I wasn’t ready at the time I finish work, then was in a bad mood and said we couldn’t watch tv together because he needed to sleep. He was in a foul mood but kept saying nothing was wrong. He then said me asking him to talk to me and tell me what was wrong was what was putting him in a bad mood. So it’s my fault, again.

I am terrified by what people will say. My family will support me, as will my friends, but I know people will judge me. I also fear for my mental health post break up. I don’t think I will cope well at all.

I also can’t quite explain how terrifying I find the idea of starting again at almost 30. We have been together 8 years. The thought of him moving on also makes me feel physically sick.

I still love him a lot. He’s not a bad person. He just has changed so much and I don’t really like who he is right now. Is this a phase or has he changed beyond repair?

we own a house together but have no children.

i really need some help, any advice gratefully received

You have not mentioned any of his good points which suggests he does not have any/many... he does not have a lot to offer for the rest of your (married) life , the answer is obvious..

I'm with everyone else who has said cancel your wedding. I know it's hard but you will not be happy. Now your guy is a police officer, he'll be wedded to the job, you will come second.

Thank goodness you are still young, not tied down with children, you can,hopefully progress in your career and eventually meet someone nice with whom you can settle down. Have some fun first, don't be in too much of a rush.

Good luck!

About a month ago I had a new client at work. Just chit chatting. He told me he was taking his niece out for lunch as she'd had a bit of a shit time. Turns out a few months ago she'd called of her wedding a week before it was due to happen. Sounds like similar circumstances to you.

My first reaction was 'wow - well done her for having yhe bravery and foresight'. He said to me he'd never had been as proud as her, as he had in the past month - the way she conducted herself and held her head up. It was totally the right thing to do.

My message to you is follow your hearts. He isn't going yo change. Honestly don't get locked into a miserable marriage. It's do much more difficult to unpick.

Better to be cancelling a wedding than arranging a divorce.

What you've described is pretty bad.

You are so young

Leave him

This is not your forever person

it sounds like it was good before he joined police and that’s led to a personality change, stress and drinking. Maybe breaking up with him will give him a jolt and he might turn his life around and win you back. But please don’t stay with this, you deserve much more. I very much doubt he’ll improve if you get marrried and the thought of you home alone with a baby whilst he goes out isn’t great. Did you know that if all careers police have highest divorce rates (the anti social hours and stress probably a factor

Oh Op, your post resonates so deeply, it’s almost like looking in a mirror.

I was with my boyfriend for years, happily, and he decided, at 30, to join the force. I was incredibly proud of him, but it changed him almost beyond recognition.

He lost his sensitivity - things became much more black and white. He lost his empathy and could rarely see anything from another perspective, including mine. He was always right, about everything from how you pronounced a word to directions to what we ate for dinner.

He drank. A lot. Because of shifts, he would drink at odd times. I remember one Sunday lunch with friends where he was so drunk he fell over and couldn’t get up, because it was his Friday night as he’d just come off shift.

We married, because I loved who he’d been, rather than who he now was. I didn’t have a moment of doubt, but the warning signs were there.

We had a child, and things became harder. He still prioritised his work, his colleagues and his drinking. They would have regular nights out which I was never invited to, and if we socialised with anyone, it was close friends from the force and the conversation all night was about the job. I couldn’t have been more supportive, more caring, more invested, but it wasn’t ever reciprocated.

I had some difficult experiences and he didn’t show care or concern, as at work, he dealt with much worse, so by comparison, he couldn’t see why it was upsetting. His job, his shifts, his experiences and his friends topped the priority list every time.

We had a situation where he was told to stop drinking in order to help us have our second baby. He couldn’t. He maintained that he didn’t have a problem, but he couldn’t go more than a couple of days. I went through some invasive health issues completely alone, he chose not to be there.

Over the years, I recognise that I became invisible to him. He adored our child, his drinking and his friends and I was much lower on the list. And one day, I woke up and said no more.

I left aged 31, and my God it was the making of me. I left, rented a house for my child and I, carried on paying the mortgage, and I could barely afford to eat, but it was so empowering. Since then, I have remarried, to an incredible man who loves everything about me, had more children and forged the most incredible career, with someone cheering me on every step of the way.

Listen to your gut, it’s telling you everything you need to know. For guests, a wedding is a day out, who cares what they think. For family and close friends, they will understand, and you will find support in the most unlikely places. Don’t sell yourself short - you deserve so much more.

its hard to break it off when you still love that person. But its so obvious this will only get worse, and once children are on the scene you’re linked forever. Imagine how bad it will become if you have children? If he’s selfish now, he will get a whole lot more selfish then. Don’t go ahead with a marriage when you have severe doubts. I know someone who called off her wedding, right decision, now 5yrs later is married to a great guy and they have a baby. The other friend went ahead with her wedding. The tears her mother shed on the wedding day weren’t tears of happiness, but she knew her daughter was making a mistake. The marriage lasted 5wks when she met someone on a work trip and ended her marriage. So calling off the wedding is the least painful way for everyone.

Please listen to your gut. He will not improve, he will deteriorate in terms of attitude and behaviour towards you.
From your description, he is arrogant and selfish. He lives his life as a single man. You worry that you can't cope being single if you beak up. Sadly, you already are; you are two people sharing a space, one of whom is emotionalky invested, one of whom is no longer invested.
You will be surprised at how well you'll manage without this 'protector of public safety'.

I know a couple of people married happily to (now ex) coppers. I know fair more who've been unhappily married to them.

People will forget in time that you cancelled the wedding. Spend a bit of time alone and then find the person you feel safe with and listened to by.

Just to give a practical suggestion, do it soon before any final payments for things are due. You’ll lose deposits, but save some money.

OP, sorry I didn't see this update.

I think you need to prepare yourself to end it but blurt it out but be prepared for any begging or pleading. Maybe tell him you need some time out and you're going to stay with family/ friends. Confide in a few people that it's permanent and ask them to keep you strong.

Then tell him it's permanently over when you're already out of the house.

I'm sure there are others who could help who haven't seen this update.

As someone who started again at 30, leave him. The single best thing I ever did.

You're me 23 years ago. I didn't cancel, but you need to.

Yep.🎯

Being the spouse of a police officer isn't easy.

The police have changed him, but it’s not only that. You got together when you were 22. You change a lot in that decade and it’s a very lucky couple that grow together at the same rate. Many people find that the person they got together with at 22 is very different to the 30 year old they end up with. You will have changed too, and your wants and needs will be different.

Be brave. He may be the person your heart wants, but he’s not now the person you need.

Please don't waste any more time on him and compromise your fertility window if you want children. You will end up divorced but will be harder further down the line.

Guests won't think much the wedding being cancelled and people who care about you will understand and support you. Good luck.

Get back out there and keep an open mind to find your person.

Please don’t go through with this wedding. It has disaster written all over it.

not (yet) read the full thread, but in terms of what others think, I would think that it takes guts to make this decision and admire you for that. It would be easier to ignore and go ahead, so I would truly respect your decision and say good on you for not taking the easy in the short term choice.

And 30 is young. You sound like you have good instincts that are worth listening to. This man sounds like he will get worse not better. Good luck.

Friends daughter married to a policeman. They used to live in London, moved house to be near her parents for child cover because her career means some traveling. Well the blinkers are off now they see a lot of him. He's an arrogant, unpleasant selfish man who treats his in laws as staff. When he's off duty that's his time. He backs out of social and family events because they don't suit his plans.

@Unhappyinlove do you really want this?

Nevermind young and forever person, I'm not that young and simply - this is not good enough!

I also fear for my mental health post break up. I don’t think I will cope well at all
It may be a tough time but you will come through it, much better than years of being ground down and treated as second/third/fourth best

This is a great point - what about your MH, emotional health and self esteem eroding if you stay with him?

This isnt a reciprocal, nourishing, loving, supportive or compatible relationship right now - you will only become more depleted and depressed as his behaviour erodes your heart and soul.

OP your post is like a carbon copy of something I would have written 25 years ago .
Exactly on the last day of November I knew deep down that my February wedding ( also to a police officer ) was a mistake .
Very similar behaviour, arguing about the things you describe , I gave the ring back but we had already bought a lovely house etc …
anyway I went ahead and married him .
huge mistake and apart from my lovely DC , I wish I had not gone ahead and would have saved so much pain later down the line .

I advise you to think very carefully about this .
Also you will get through it and you are very young , whole life ahead of you .

Another thought .. don’t worry about people judging you . I worried when I eventually left .
I was genuinely astonished at how many people were “ waiting “ for me to leave .
Those behaviours were visible to all .
I received nothing but kindness and support .

Good luck

You already know the answer op. Your family will support you.
My cousin and niece went through with marriages they should not have. My niece to a policeman who cheated on his 2 previous wives and is estranged from all his children. Their choice.
He was sacked for grooming and thought resigning would get him off the hook. It didnt.
I attended the wedding and no close family were present.
He was also accused of assaulting her teenage dd. And she stilll went ahead.
Please dont be her.

Oh goodness, I can under why you're not happy.

I wouldn't call this pre wedding jitters at all, he's not being fair to you and clearly isn't interested in ensuring your needs within the relationship are being met by him. He won't change once you're married, you'll simply be a very unhappy wife and you deserve oh so much more than that.

If I were in your shoes I would end the relationship, cancel the wedding and plan my life around me.

People might judge you then again they might not - either way this isn't about them it's about doing what's right for you.