Should I cancel my wedding that’s in 3 months?

[Unhappyinlove]

This is my first post. I just really need some help from people who don’t know me or my fiance.

We are due to get married in February 2025 and I just don’t know if what we are going through is pre-wedding stress or the relationship is unsalvageable. We have been on the brink of break up a few times in the last month. His behaviour never changes. Golf and drinking take priority over me. His job is the most important thing in his life and it causes so much stress. He is a police officer and I worry that he sees his work colleagues as his family. He is out with them very often.

most recently, we got very close to breaking up. I said I needed more time with him, that I was feeling neglected, and he said things would change. He gets four rest days and on those days he went drinking and played golf. No time spent with me. He said tonight we could go for dinner then was annoyed that I wasn’t ready at the time I finish work, then was in a bad mood and said we couldn’t watch tv together because he needed to sleep. He was in a foul mood but kept saying nothing was wrong. He then said me asking him to talk to me and tell me what was wrong was what was putting him in a bad mood. So it’s my fault, again.

I am terrified by what people will say. My family will support me, as will my friends, but I know people will judge me. I also fear for my mental health post break up. I don’t think I will cope well at all.

I also can’t quite explain how terrifying I find the idea of starting again at almost 30. We have been together 8 years. The thought of him moving on also makes me feel physically sick.

I still love him a lot. He’s not a bad person. He just has changed so much and I don’t really like who he is right now. Is this a phase or has he changed beyond repair?

we own a house together but have no children.

i really need some help, any advice gratefully received

Better to enter your 30's as a free and single woman than as a 50 yr old with dependent kids and limited financial options. Better to break up now & move on than to enter into a potentially toxic & abusive future marriage.

This bit before your wedding should be exciting, happy & full of joy.
If it isn't then that is telling you this is not the right relationship to take forward into marriage, particularly if you are considering children.

As others have said, 30 is still young & you will be able to move on with someone else, as scary as that sounds.

Please don't marry this man as it stands. If it's like this now and you have doubts trust me and many others on here when we tell you it will only get worse.

Confide in a close friend or family member so that you can properly talk this through.
Good luck xx

DH has a nephew who joined the police in his 30s, from being a special constable. Though in some ways it's been the making of him, I recognise some of what we see, even as more distant relations, in your post. The need to be always right, for you to do what he demands, sneering. I would call it off. It will cost you far more to get divorced, both financially and emotionally.

Yes. Break up and claim on wedding insurance if you have it. If not just cut your losses. Wish I had been brave enough to do this instead of getting divorced 5 months later!

I had to make a decision like this at 35. It was so scary but I knew I needed to do it and eventually I found the courage to go through with it 6 months in and 6 months remaining in terms of planning a wedding. 7 years later yes I'm over 40 but am happily married with a 2 year old to someone else.

The only thing is you have to believe it's the right thing and accept this to be able to go through with it. Otherwise he'll talk you round or you'll get upset and cave in. Yes it's scary to think about leaving a partner and starting again on your own but doesn't mean it isn't the right thing to do.

30 is a great time to split up with someone. You can find what you really want in life. Don't marry this man and get trapped by having children with him. It will only get worse.

@Unhappyinlove Have more faith and conviction in your own gut feelings.
You sound like a strong and intelligent woman.
You will thank your 30 Yr old self when you look back on this in the future.
Trust me.

Personally I’d go with a postpone and hope it’s a jolt for him to realise what he’s likely to lose and give him a the chance to get his act together. If he then refuses to change then having not got married at least removes an expense from the split

Agree with previous posters advice to say it out loud to your family/friends. All mine were desperate for me to leave him. My DF was begging me to leave him when I was struggling with the decision and that did help sway me to be brave and gave me more strength.

With regards to being kind telling him, he hasn’t been particularly kind to you so I wouldn’t be too concerned about that. But I suppose out of respect to what you had and who he used to be - tell him you just aren’t compatible any longer. You’ve already raised his prioritisation of socialising, drinking and golf over you and he’s chosen to continue in that behaviour. He doesn’t seem to want to have the relationship anyway as he isn’t spending time with you and you won’t be left on a shelf and ignored until he decides he’s ready to pay you attention between going out constantly. You’re not prepared to be so neglected in your relationship and spend no quality time together and so you need to find someone who wants the same things in a relationship. And if he argues ‘I’ve just been stressed, I’ll be better etc’ please don’t fall for it and waste any more time on him. You know you’re worth better treatment. You should never have to beg for your partner to pay you attention, spend time with you and make you feel loved. People get stressed and have grumpy days and need space soemtimes yes, but in my experience - partners that don’t really respect, value or love you use it as an excuse to go off for days/weeks on end/the majority of their time. Decent men speak to you about it and then snuggle up with you to unwind watching a film etc. They want to spend time with you. Even when they’re stressed. You are their safe space and their de-stress. Because they love you and spending time with you is their favourite thing.

Call it off a.s.a.p. and get as much refund as possible.
It was good while it was good but has turned rotten.
Sell the house and put a deposit on a smaller abode - just in your name.
Think about yourself, your well being and your career.

My mum went ahead and married a policeman with a temper, it ruined everyone’s lives, including his. They ended up having kids and a really nasty divorce which traumatised everyone basically. Don’t do it, he might be struggling etc because it is a tough job, but that’s not your responsibility to fix. Also, if you’re not even 30 yet that’s no age! I’m 36 and have just gone to uni for the first time, I’m in a class with a 61 year old! Don’t let society make you believe there’s a time limit on anything, you can have the life you’ve always dreamed of, you just have to be brave! Good luck x

Marriage is not going to change him.

Your family and friends will support you. Anyone who judges you is not worthy of being in your life (what are they judging?!)

Just because something is sad and hard, doesn't mean it's wrong.

One way to handle it is to call off the wedding first, and split up with him as a separate event. Even if the split comes a matter or days of weeks later, separate the two things.

That way you do not have to explain the breakup to the wedding guests. Just tell them the wedding is off, and stonewall to the guests (“we need to work on a few things”). That way you do not have to go into detail of the breakup with the entire wedding guest list.

It takes enormous courage to call off the wedding but I do know of people who have done it, including one where the groom called it off on the day. I didn’t call of our wedding but our marriage broke down a couple of years after our wedding and that is an expensive hassle I would not wish on anyone.

My closest school friend called off her first wedding a month before the big day. I think she’s the bravest person I know. It was the right decision for her.

If you are worried about judgement you need to accept the possibility that some people will judge your actions favourably, like I did. You may also find family and friends know the relationship is in trouble and are worried about you, but are doing their utmost to support you by not raising concerns this close to the wedding. If you call it off you may be surprised to find the people who love you the most are relieved, not angry or upset.

On a pragmatic front, the more notice you give of cancellation the more chance you have of recouping some of your expenses.

Finally, based on your OP I don’t hear any joy or excitement for the future. That’s not how you should be at the start of a marriage. As others have said, it won’t get better after the wedding. Save yourself from further heartache and do what you already know you need to do.

If he truly loved you he would spend time with you during his days off, he wouldn't criticise you for not being quite ready to go out to dinner, he wouldn't spend all his spare time playing golf and drinking with his mates. Actually, I would go so far to say "He is already married........to his job"!
You are only 30 and have plenty of time to find someone who will love you, respect you, cherish you, want to be with you, make you feel special......please don't settle for second best, you deserve more!

Take it from an old bird who didn't listen to her instincts and had to tolerate decades of being second best, walk way and don't look back. Your username says it all and you do deserve to be happy.

Do not marry him

People will admire you, they won't judge you

30 is the perfect age to meet someone new. Also the perfect age to get some counselling for your low self esteem

Of course he'll meet someone new. It won't last and I'm sure the poor woman will realise how awful he is (much quicker than you have)

Please end the relationship and spend 6 months concentrating on how amazing YOU are and how smart you are to dump the wanker

Joining the chorus of cancel the wedding and move on from this man.

I'd recommend doing it now. That way you will get the first Christmas 'without' him over and done with very quickly.

It will hurt. But better pain now than years of neglect followed by pain in the future. It's a bereavement, a loss of plans for your future. But if you marry him you will also lose your plans for the future because this man will not be the husband you expected when you got engaged.

For some reason being a policeman brings out the worst in a lot of people. Quite apart from the stat someone quoted above about domestic abuse amongst officers (IDK if that true but wouldn't surprise me), the number of affairs they have at work is startling. I know it happens in all industries and professions but in the police (and other uniformed services) colleagues seem to hook up a LOT. If he is already neglectful that could well be in your future.

While it such an important decision for you, for others it is not in that if you cancel, they will get on with their lives. What matters most here is you.
You aren’t even in the honeymoon period yet - literally - and he’s already left you anyway. He chooses to spend his time away from you. And when he’s around you he is mean.
If you marry him and have children, prepare for life as a neglected wife.
I walked away from someone at 29 who I’d been with since I was a teenager, and I was terrified. He was all I knew.
The relief my family and friends felt afterwards told me all I needed to know.
My only regret is that I left it so long. But I am so glad I walked away. He was drinking heavily, taking drugs, and never had time for me in the end. He took all of his bad moods out on me.
I am in my 50’s now and realise 30 is still so young. It will take time, you will be sad, but you need to get your life back.
Let him go to his job, his drinking and his golf. Don’t worry about upsetting him.
He has already gone.

soing It now I will be far easier than in 10 years time when you have 2 kids, only work part time and you find out he’s been having an affair.

I know that sounds harsh but literally every other thread in relationships is women in this situation. And I reckon all would chose to turn back the clock if they could

30 is so young, I know it doesn’t feel it but really it is. You’ve got 10 years to settle down and have kids if that’s what you want:

be brave. You know he’s not for you. Your life won’t get any better.

Please listen to your gut, and cancel the wedding. Having a marriage certificate will not change this man's behaviour in any way, he will only continue to get worse as he feels more comfortable to do so.
Also, I read your comment that he changed when he joined the police.. PLEASE listen to your gut now, there is definitely a large amount of men who cannot handle the ego and power the job gives them. And please bear in mind that if you ever needed support divorcing this man (family courts, or even the police if his behaviour ever became abusive) that it is much harder to be believed or supported.. the police as an institution is held on a pedestal and deemed much more trustworthy than any member of the public. So you may not receive the support you need if his behaviour escalates.

I remember thinking the same.. that my partner of 3 years at the time (who was useless but "no harm") suddenly turned into this arrogant and entitled man after joining the police, and he looked down on anyone who wasn't part of the police, and he completely absorbed the toxic culture and formed offensive views especially of women.. and he went from a man who "wouldn't hurt a fly" to the most violent and abusive man I've ever met who was a bully to anyone not in his police family.

Please run now, and enjoy your 30's.. it taken me years to recover from divorcing and sorting out childcare arrangement orders. Please, your older self will thank you so bloody much. Don't ignore the red flags like I did, you'll kick yourself for it and feel angry at yourself that you didn't listen. Please don't settle for this and hope it'll just somehow get better. It won't get better, and you only have one life and you deserve to be happy and loved. Life has these pivotal moments, and this is one of them for you.. listen to your gut and escape this shit relationship xxx

Just to say

I also can’t quite explain how terrifying I find the idea of starting again at almost 30.

Think how those of us in our 40s and 50s feel. You will be just fine.

Please cancel it. Your gut is screaming at you that this is wrong.

You are still very young and able to start over. From what you have written, you will regret it deeply if you go ahead.

First step is to tell someone in real life how you are feeling. Good luck.

Do not marry him.
Marrying him will not change any of his nasty traits.
Calling off the wedding is cheaper than a divorce.

People will not judge you in the way you think they will. They will also have witnessed his behaviour change and think you are right for breaking it off.

Start by telling people who love you - family/ friends.

If you are worried about how he will react, take someone with you or tell them your plan so they know to check you are ok.

Please call the wedding off.

I think what struck me is that despite talking to him about how you feel, despite him knowing your wedding is in under 3 months, he is still behaving like this. I think he doesn't really want to get married so he is taking the coward's way out. Well, you know he's a coward now so it's hard to respect him ever again.

OP, it will be hard to end this but you can be steering. Think of how much worse it would be very or in a few year's time. This relationship will only get worse and harder. You're still young but at 35/40 it will be even harder to start again. It's great you've had 8 years, you know what to look for and to be careful of.