Should I cancel my wedding that’s in 3 months?

[Unhappyinlove]

This is my first post. I just really need some help from people who don’t know me or my fiance.

We are due to get married in February 2025 and I just don’t know if what we are going through is pre-wedding stress or the relationship is unsalvageable. We have been on the brink of break up a few times in the last month. His behaviour never changes. Golf and drinking take priority over me. His job is the most important thing in his life and it causes so much stress. He is a police officer and I worry that he sees his work colleagues as his family. He is out with them very often.

most recently, we got very close to breaking up. I said I needed more time with him, that I was feeling neglected, and he said things would change. He gets four rest days and on those days he went drinking and played golf. No time spent with me. He said tonight we could go for dinner then was annoyed that I wasn’t ready at the time I finish work, then was in a bad mood and said we couldn’t watch tv together because he needed to sleep. He was in a foul mood but kept saying nothing was wrong. He then said me asking him to talk to me and tell me what was wrong was what was putting him in a bad mood. So it’s my fault, again.

I am terrified by what people will say. My family will support me, as will my friends, but I know people will judge me. I also fear for my mental health post break up. I don’t think I will cope well at all.

I also can’t quite explain how terrifying I find the idea of starting again at almost 30. We have been together 8 years. The thought of him moving on also makes me feel physically sick.

I still love him a lot. He’s not a bad person. He just has changed so much and I don’t really like who he is right now. Is this a phase or has he changed beyond repair?

we own a house together but have no children.

i really need some help, any advice gratefully received

Never mind imagine marrying him, try imagining divorcing him. It would be an absolute nightmare, a battle which he would be determined to win.

One of my colleagues had a broken engagement at your age. People just thought it was sad that it hadn't worked out. She got married to somebody else a couple of years later and seems very happy. She said there was a bit of local gossip at the time - she lived in a rural area - but it soon blew over. She has no regrets as far as I can see and her first fiancé sounded immeasurably better than your current one.

My husband adores golf. Before he retired he played during the week. (He was self employed.) He thought it was unfair to me to spend all weekend playing golf. Don't be a golf widow to this dreadful drunk.

Op your gut is screaming at you to not go ahead with this wedding please listen to it. It is easier to cancel a wedding than go through a divorce.
What is a positive is that there are no children involved. You say your partner has change since joining the police but maybe this was how he already was and this has just brought his true self out ?
You have spent the majority of your 20s with this man don't waste your 30s 40s 50s you get the idea. My advice make your decision and tell him don't get drawn into a big conversation as often there is emotional blackmail when all that truly needs to be done is the practicalities eg houses, you say your family and friend would support, great :) use that support ,also a counselor may be useful with your mental health we have no idea how strong we can be until we need to be. Let people have their gossip they are leaving some other poor sod alone. If they are not paying your bills or putting a roof over your head then their opinions don't count. And finally be kind to yourself there is a reason you feel this way you deserve more ,explore that take some time out to learn about yourself all over again and what you DONT want in a relationship. I sincerely wish you luck and future happiness away from this man xxx

Do not marry him…

You said - "My family and friends will support me". Brilliant - that tells me you're not in the wrong.

For him ,(for now) just say you're Not Ready for the wedding THIS YEAR - give him no more specifics, but cancel everything so you can think about it.
"I don't want to marry you" will hurt his ego (and anyones) and he'll kick back.
"I'm not ready" sounds like it's your 'fault' ( read - your decision) and he will be able to explain that to other people more easily.

Whatever you do - you've written to an internet forum.to say how do.i not marry this year. Don't marry this year. You're not ready. It doesn't have to be about him (for the rest of the world) - it's okay if you're not ready.

You're 29. Look ahead. You met and settled for this guy in ten years - you can still start a family in next 5-10 years, and while you're clogged down with this guy who's not looking like the best option for a caring, sharing, equal parent - take another look around!
Most women don't have their first child for another 10 years.
You're all good. When you have a daughter, you'll share this advice and your wise experience with her.
You've got this, OP. You have your family behind you.

Do not merry him, this is as good as it gets. He will be much worse after marriage.

100% don't marry him, leave the relationship, you deserve better.
Maybe he also has a problem with alcohol.
You don't need all this shite in your life, you are not happy don't marry as it will feel even harder to leave.

Better people judge you then you having the same arguments for the next thirty plus years op x if you have the doubts you have you need to seriously think about this

Yes you should cancel the wedding. You really can do better than this arsehole. And 'almost 30' isn't old. You don't know how young you are.

I have a friend who did not break off the wedding. It was over six weeks later. She knew, he knew, they went ahead and it was awful. I think your gut knows the answer.

From someone who married a man she had doubts about. DO NOT DO IT! He is showing you who he is. Listen.

You are worth more than this.

Save yourself the heartache, the expense, and the wasted years of a divorce.
You are exactly the right age now to know what sort of man you want and what sort you don’t want. He isn’t what you want, you have a miserable life right now with him.

You will be in a much better place in six months OP, if you call it off now.
You sound sensible -but scared which is entirely normal after eight years.

Gather your courage and tell your parents and closest friend that although you feel you still love him, you know it’s not right and it’s becoming worse - and so it’s best to call the wedding off because this isn’t the way to start out on married life. They will support you in telling him. And then help you cancel everything.

You will be so relieved not to have to worry about it any more. And then you will be able to think more clearly about your future. You have time to start again OP, plenty of time. Don’t waste that time any more on a man who doesn’t want to spend his time with you.
Good luck whatever you decide to do.

I am terrified by what people will say. My family will support me, as will my friends, but I know people will judge me
Their judgement may well be favourable, as in, 'good for you for calling it off before it was too late, wish I had'
Even if not: are you going to put up with years of increasing misery just because of what people who are not close to you may think? They will move on from thinking about you pretty quickly, if they think about you at all.
One of the best bits of advice I have seen on Mumsnet is Most people don't care about you which is not as harsh as it sounds: what it's saying is that sometimes we worry about what others think. And most of the time they aren't actually thinking anything about us at all.
I also fear for my mental health post break up. I don’t think I will cope well at all
It may be a tough time but you will come through it, much better than years of being ground down and treated as second/third/fourth best

I would absolutely applaud you for having the courage to do the right thing!! To hell with anyone who will judge you - they don't have your best interests at heart!

My DPs were very traditional, wouldn't have wanted to be embarrassed, that kind of thing. However my DSis was about to marry a man that we all knew was wrong for her- none of us could stand him, for good reason, and he treated her like shit, so the day before the wedding my mum said to her that it was ok if she wanted to cancel, they would support her and she didn't have to go ahead with it. I was so impressed with my parents that day because it would have been a local 'scandal' and talked/gossiped about back then!

He ate the arse off her when they were taking their stuff to the hotel inc the cake the night before the wedding, and he bitched at her about something to do with the flowergirl's outfit (his niece) and my mum was so upset for her!!

However, she married him, and on her 1st wedding anniversary he told her it was all over and that he was in love with someone else. God knows how long he had been seeing her prior to or during their marriage!

I could understand it in one way but he was the ugliest bastard ever and he earned fuck all, plus he had all the personality of a dead hen, so unless he was mega in bed, I still struggle to see what was attractive about him lol!

Please don't let embarrassment or gossip put you off what is right for you xx

I could have written a very similar post aged 28 with 2 weeks to go to the wedding. Unfortunately the only friend I confided in was aghast that I would consider cancelling so close to the event.

Fast forward 6 years and I was a single mum (he was too busy to be involved in their lives) to two wonderful, but challenging (aren’t they all 😅), under 5s. Really felt that would be my lot and it would just be me and the kids against the world.

If it feels wrong, it probably is. You will be happier single than you will ever be in a lonely relationship. Take care OP 💐

Run, fast, the other way.

He chose the job over you. He will continue to do so until he leaves the police and likely he will find something else to invest all his time and energy in.

He is not capable of managing the job and a home life, many are not.

He is showing you who he is, this will only get worse, because he has zero interest in changing.

So get out now because as hard as that is, it will be a billion times harder once you've married him.

The golf you can work with.

The drinking is so so so hard to fix. And probably will never be fixed. Save yourself a lifetime of agony and find someone else.

signed a woman married to a man with a drinking problem

Do not get married. Courting and early living together should be the glory days.

Walk away.

Speaking as the DD of a police officer (he’s now retired), and as a golf widow, this relationship is not for you. If you’re feeling the way you do now, it will only get worse.

Quite often for police officers, their colleagues are like family. Their lives quite literally depend on each other. It’s quite normal to go for a drink after shift, to destress. It sounds like he takes it to extremes, and clearly doesn’t value you enough to want to get home to you. If you marry, you will have years of cancelled leave, last- minute shifts etc to look forward to, and if you’re struggling now with this, it will only get worse.

Re the golf, I can only empathise, as my DH is obsessed. He works long hours, and golf helps him destress and also is his relaxation and exercise. The difference is that I’m ok with it. It gives me time for myself, or my DS and I to do stuff. We work around it and that’s fine. If you’re resentful now, again it will only get worse.

So, for these reasons, you’re best off leaving him.

OP, relationship problems become magnified after marriage, they don't tend to improve. Lots of people on here with better advice, but I would bow out of this relationship, and do it soon. No one is going to judge you for ending this OP. Ending a relationship that's not working is a sign of strength not weakness. Only YOU are living your life so put yourself first.

I know somebody who knew in her heart of hearts that she shouldn't marry the man that went on to become her husband. She's now dealing with the fallout 16 months later which started about 2 months in. She will say it started on their honeymoon. If it's not right you'll have to deal with it at some point. Probably better before.

30 feels 'old' but it really isn't I promise.

It's not easy, good luck ❤️

There’s a reason why the divorce rate amongst the police and military is so high. They establish bonds with colleagues that are forged in extremity, they work when other people are off and are off when other people are working. Consequently they socialise with others on their shift/unit this reinforces the bond.

Not all police/military relationships are like this but I think it takes a fair amount of conscious effort on the part of the individual to prioritise the bond with a partner over the bond with their shift/unit and it looks like your fiancé isn’t even trying.

It doesn’t make him a bad person and I certainly don’t mean to insult the people in these jobs but stereotypes are often stereotypes for a very good reason.

As soon as I read your post the first thing I thought was “I wonder if he’s joined the job”. You sadly arent the first to experience the personality transplant that often (not always) happens when someone, typically male, becomes an officer. Authoritative in a way that means they are always right and there is no room for negotiation, cynical, and with an increasingly high threshold for being sympathetic and empathetic. It sounds like he now sees himself as part of the police family, the only people who can truly understand the person he is now (in his view).

He has shown you that his identity as “police officer” is now stronger than his identity as your partner and future husband. You have given him a chance to adjust his priorities and he hasn’t. Depending on which route he wants to follow at work will depend on what your future looks like, because he’s shown you that the job influences who he is and how he behaves at home. You will always feel second best to this part of his life which I’m sure he tells you that you’ll never understand. If you stay together, I would almost bet money on you posting here in a year or two to say you’re concerned he’s having an affair with someone from work.

He is a different person now, you need to decide if this is who you want to marry, because unless he leaves the job you aren’t getting your old partner back.

(caveat here that yes of course I know that not every man who becomes a police officer is like this, but there’s also a reason people have spend decades researching police culture and the influence it has specifically on the behaviour of male officers)

The drinking/playing golf is his way of decompression after working an incredibly stressful job...