I want a baby, partner doesn’t…

[nontipie]

Looking for advice from someone unbiased. I’ve (23F) been with my partner (23M) for four years. In October last year i found out I was pregnant but I lost the baby in February. My partner wasn’t happy about the pregnancy whatsoever and would not be there to support us. After the loss we came back together and improved tenfold but ever since I just feel like I’m missing something, I have never got over the loss of my baby, and every online site says TTC is the best way of dealing with pregnancy loss.

The dilemma I’m facing is that as much as I want to have another, my partner doesn’t. He says he’s scared (we’re not moved out yet, we both work full time and I’ll soon be going to a post-grad job and he’s opening a business). I have told him that I want to try again now and if he can’t meet that requirement that I’m going to leave and try with someone else instead of wasting my time here. I don’t want to leave him, we’ve been together for years, my first baby I lost he was the father of them. I would have loved him to have another. But he can’t get over this concern he has. What should I do? I know we’re still young but we’re not in a place of struggling and my prior loss has made me realise how quickly I want to be a mum again.

Gently this is not the time or relationship to be trying to get pregnant.
He was ready to walk away from you and your baby he's told you and shown you that he's not father material yet (maybe ever).
Also with regard to trying again asap as a way of getting over your loss it's really not a healthy way of dealing with your grief. You need to give yourself time and talk to a grief counsellor and recover before thinking about trying again.
I'm sorry for your loss, it's never easy but it does get better with time

You’re both young. Is it never for him, or not now?

Also, you have a lot going on in the next few months, with the business and new job.

Well, he’s been honest with you.

If I was his DM, I’d be telling him to make sure he always uses contraception.

When you say "we've not moved out yet" do you mean you are both living at home with your respective parents? By postgrad do you mean a paid PhD or a job post graduation?

This really does NOT sound like the time to have a baby. You have so much in front of you for the next few years, getting started on your career, getting your first home, having the kind of brilliant trips you can only have when you have a salary and no babies at home. The next 3 - 5 years are for fun and saving. He is right and he is also being unambiguous about it.

Apart from anything else, it's very shortsighted as you are hardly likely to find another 23 year old who is just dying to become a father asap!

I'd like to think he can sort out his own contraception at the age of 23 without his mum's input...

I'm really sorry for your loss OP. I have 2 DC and had a miscarriage in between. Focusing on TTC again did help so I completely understand why you want to at least talk about it.

It does sound like you both have a lot of changes happening at the minute so would it be worth having a serious chat and asking him if he wants children in the future and, if he does, setting a timeline? Saying you'll try again if x, y and z are in place? And being prepared to leave if he doesn't stick to it.

His lack of support last time wouldn't impress me at all and gently, I wouldn't TTC with someone who wasn't fully on board.

You are not stable enough for a baby. Part of being mature enough to be a mother is having the understanding of placing someone's needs and wellness above your own.

You aren't there yet. You want a baby, you don't need one.

What are your thoughts on marriage?

You still live with your parents. You're not ready to be one yourself.

Leave your boyfriend and then start taking steps in the right direction to put yourself in a place where you can be the best mother you can be: a good job, a home of your own, a partner who actually wants to be a father. The likelihood of you and your boyfriend being together long term is tiny: few people stay in their teenage relationships forever, and yours has already begun to show some serious cracks. The last thing either of you need is a baby.

You’re 23, you have your whole life ahead of you, don’t crash it by either getting pregnant with this man or immediately trying to find a new one who will.

Bloody hell, you're 23! Travel, progress your career, widen your horizons, there is so much time for motherhood in your 30's and beyond. Don't tie yourself down for life with a partner who doesn't even want the baby, you wouldn't have the protection marriage brings, the relationship almost certainly wouldn't last and he will resent you. At least wait until your frontal lobe is developed before bringing life into the world!

Oh my, if I had a son (I have two DDs) I be telling him to run from you and use protection.

You are only 23 years old, you don't realise how young you are.

I had my oldest DD at age 22, looking back I was so young and I did really struggle.

Spend a couple of years getting your own place and getting settled, 23 is still young. I had my first at 21 whilst still living with parents and I'd never recommend it. If I could go back, I'd have made sure me and oh were living together for a while first. There's no rush! X

It's not so much your age it's the fact you have no stability to offer a child. It's would be better to be well established in your career, have your own home and be with someone who wants a child. You have a choices, make sure they are the right ones.

You are so young.
Wait.
It will be worth it.

I'm sorry for your loss.

Unfortunately it's your pain that makes you broody, not it being a good time or the right situation to TTC.

Hold on a bit longer. You might find the intensity of the need fades. Give it 6 months to a year.

If you still want a child so badly then, make sure you have a place of your own and a secure, committed relationship with someone. (Maybe it will not be your present partner, but by the time you find someone else and ensure they're the right person to father your child, it might be that he would have been ready.) You're both very young to become parents.

I think your partner is being sensible here. Maybe he wants to make sure he's set up in life first before taking up more responsibilities. Obviously you need to know if he wants children eventually and make a plan. But to leave him because he doesnt want a kid at 23 actually sounds very immature on your part.

This. You may want a baby, but that is irrelevant. You're not in a situation to have one -- you're a student, and the person you're in a relationship with doesn't want a child. He shouldn't be 'getting over his fear'. He's perfectly right to not want a baby at 23. End the relationship and for God's sake go and live a bit.

You're 23 years old, you're a student, you still live at home and your (very young) partner doesn't want a baby. I don't fucking blame him. The whole thing's ridiculous.

I'm so sorry for your loss OP.

But I do think your partner is being sensible, it isn't the time for starting a family, you're both still very young. I'd been with my now husband for 7 years by your age and we'd moved out that year, but we still would not have started a family then and he absolutely would have pushed back if I said I did. We did 5 years later.

Book a nice holiday for next year, something to look forward to and enjoy your life together before you add a baby into the mix.

When I was 23 I'd just moved from my quiet Yorkshire town to London and was having a great time, living in a house share, out every night, exploring London every weekend. No way would I be tied down to a man and a screaming being that poops itself all day. Give it a few years, wait until you have a DP that wants to have DC with you. Sounds like you have a good job so focus on that.

When you say, "we’re still young but we’re not in a place of struggling", what on earth do you mean?

You still live with your parents. Right now, you are completely unable to provide a stable home for a baby - you're not even providing a home for yourself! You have no idea whether you would be "struggling" if you left your parents' home and had to pay rent/bills etc.

He is right - this is not a time to have a baby. Your judgement is obviously very clouded on this, but you need to engage your brain.

Your post is all about you and what you want. Not how you will provide for a child, they don't stay babies for long! You have nowhere of your own to live, only starting out on a career. Ask your partner if he wants a child ever, or if it is just a no for now, to see what your future would look like together. Then save, move out, build your career and enjoy life for a bit before giving a child a stable life.

Neither of you are in a position to bring a baby into the world and provide for it adequately. Your partner does not feel ready and that's a legitimate reason for him to say no.

I'm sorry for your loss and understand how you feel 😔 but you are not thinking of the child. You need to concentrate on working, saving and moving out and establishing a stable home before you think of getting pregnant again. It may be that your partner doesn't want children at all, in which case you will have to decide whether to stay in the relationship or leave and find someone with the same life goals as you. To get pregnant by someone who's made it clear he doesn't want children would be very unfair to the child.

He’s right though. This isn’t the optimal time in your lives to have a baby. The desire you have for a baby is coming from a grief that your DP doesn’t have, so he’s thinking with sense and logic.

Don’t try and change his mind, it is completely unfair on him when he’s already told you how he feels and it would be unfair on your child too. No child deserves to be born because of coercion. If you can’t find another way to cope with your grief, or even just hold it for a few more years, then you need to split up.

I have told him that I want to try again now and if he can’t meet that requirement
that I’m going to leave and try with someone else instead of wasting my time here.

Then leave. You can't blackmail someone into being a father like this. It's all about what you 'want'. All of this demostrates that you aren't mature enough to be a mother. You are 23 and have plenty of time. Neither of you are - at the moment - in the right financial or emotional place to become parents.