I want a baby, partner doesn’t…

[nontipie]

Looking for advice from someone unbiased. I’ve (23F) been with my partner (23M) for four years. In October last year i found out I was pregnant but I lost the baby in February. My partner wasn’t happy about the pregnancy whatsoever and would not be there to support us. After the loss we came back together and improved tenfold but ever since I just feel like I’m missing something, I have never got over the loss of my baby, and every online site says TTC is the best way of dealing with pregnancy loss.

The dilemma I’m facing is that as much as I want to have another, my partner doesn’t. He says he’s scared (we’re not moved out yet, we both work full time and I’ll soon be going to a post-grad job and he’s opening a business). I have told him that I want to try again now and if he can’t meet that requirement that I’m going to leave and try with someone else instead of wasting my time here. I don’t want to leave him, we’ve been together for years, my first baby I lost he was the father of them. I would have loved him to have another. But he can’t get over this concern he has. What should I do? I know we’re still young but we’re not in a place of struggling and my prior loss has made me realise how quickly I want to be a mum again.

I'm so sorry.

I do think you need to find a better relationship and better man to be the father to another child though.

I’m really sorry for your loss op, that must have been, and continue to be, completely devastating.
Unfortunately op, I have little to offer in the way of positivity when it comes to your situation. Your partner sounds absolutely fucking awful and he isn’t the man you should be wasting your time with. Wanting a baby isn’t unreasonable but trying to forge forward with a poor relationship to try and create this family you want simply isn’t the way. The best thing you could do is break up with your boyfriend, take some time to heal and be yourself, then make steps to find another relationship, if that’s what you feel you want to do.

I think you need to find a man who wants the same things as you, this doesn't sound like a relationship that's healthy and he doesn't spend like he has supported you through your heartbreaking lost.

You need to find yourself a new boyfriend , one who is also interested in settling down and having a family . This man abused you when you were pregnant with the baby that he helped to create - you cannot attribute do much better , set your sights higher and throw this one back .

You need to leave him immediately and find a grown up who wants to start a family. You are the ideal age right now, so don't waste precious years hanging around waiting for him to catch up.
I'm sorry for your loss. x

You are trying to fit a square peg in a round hole. He doesn’t want to have a child with you, and if you do get pregnant again it sounds unlikely he’ll step up and be a decent dad. So instead of trying to make him fit in your box, ditch him and find someone who does want the same things as you.

Oh op, I'm so so sorry for your loss. That's just so heartbreaking what you have been through. I think you need to take some time for yourself before you decide on anything else first. Nothing will ever replace the baby you lost, not even another one. I think this is your response to trauma at the moment. Take care of yourself first before anything else.

My advice is you're so so young. Live your life for another five years. Marry first. Build your career.

She is 23 and has plenty of time. It's more important now to work on herself as a person, earner, worker and potential partner for a higher quality man.

I’m so sorry for your loss.

But it does sound as though your partner is not the right man to have a baby with. Split from this relationship, find a healthy relationship who will be good to you and your future children.

Your bf isn’t ready for a baby ( unsurprising at 23 years old). So if you want someone who is ready to start a family, it makes sense to end your current relationship. You’ll probably need to look at an older age group though, 30’s +. Not many men in their 20’s are looking to settle down.

Now this is the absolute rubbish that women are spun nowadays. 23 is the right time. 30 is pushing it and 35 is too old for your first. I'm not saying people don't do it.

OP knows what she wants. She needs to stop throwing her life away on a loser.

Nonsense. I know at least five women who had their first kid at 42-43; one was nearly 46. Totally natural with no intervention.

Yeah I have to say I agree with other posters, one of the biggest decisions you ever make in your life is who to have children with. That person is half of your child, they raise your child, you need to choose that person very wisely. You seem to be so set on having a baby that you’re overlooking the fact not only does your partner not want one but he actively left you when you did fall pregnant, he is not dad material at least not now and probably not for a long time. Don’t bring a child into that situation.

Walk away from the relationship, work on yourself, you will find somebody who does want the same things as you and is capable of being the partner and father you need.

Exactly. I had my first at 45. All natural, ds arrived pink & healthy 8lb. He's doing his physics homework at the moment 🙂

OP certainly has no rush at 23.

Hello my dear,

My advice is, why wait? You have family around you, who will give you their financial and emotional backing if he doesn’t support you.

I can understand why some people would think it would be beneficial for you to move out first but having family in the same home would be so beneficial.

I say go for it, don’t let a man prevent you from becoming a mother. Katherine Ryan (uk comic) recently wrote a really interesting article on this, have a Google and give it a read.

big hugs x

OP the way you are feeling is totally understandable, you have had a taste of something so precious, and it has cruelly been taken away. You deserve to have another child but both you and the child deserve a committed and loving partner and father. Move on from your bf, find someone who deserves you, don’t settle, I truly believe you will find your happy ever after but it will be worth waiting for the right person to share your love with.

Because deliberately choosing an immature, disinterested, abusive and resentful piece of shit for its father is anti-social and reprehensible.

I'm going to be really honest OP - the fact that you don't realise the importance of choosing the right man to be the father of your children shows that you are not ready to have them. The fact that you are willing to stay with an abuser if he will give you kids also shows that you are not ready to have them.

Being biologically ready and/or financially ready does not mean you are fully ready to bring up a child. You need a stable base, emotional stability and a stable (non-abusive) relationship with a man who will make a good father. Or be prepared to go it alone, but with a similarly stable base to work from.

Choosing your husband and father of your children is the most important, life altering choice you will ever make (for someone who wants to marry and have kids that is, obviously!). I cannot emphasise that enough.

It's also one of very few life choices that you cannot reverse. Careers can be changed, you can move to the other end of the world, marriages can be ended, but children cannot be unborn.

I'm going to echo the excellent advice you were given upthread:

"The best thing you could do is break up with your boyfriend, take some time to heal and be yourself, then make steps to find another relationship, if that’s what you feel you want to do."

Are you seriously giving this advice to a young woman with an abusive partner, who is unlikely to have been working long enough to be eligible for decent maternity pay, and who still lives at home with her parents? 🤯

What planet are you on?

The comparison to Katherine Ryan makes no sense. KR is a mature woman in her 30s with an established and successful career, who can provide a stable home, and who (most importantly!) is not in a relationship with or married to an abusive man.

You have plenty of time. Why not see if he'll agree to a baby in say 3-4 years.

Because he's abusive.

OP, just because women in your culture get married and have babies young doesn’t mean that’s what you have to do.

You are your own person, not an offshoot of any culture.

It’s understandable that having lost a baby, especially so far into a pregnancy, that you would feel the urge to be pregnant again. It’s natural even.

But the reality is that you shouldn’t be having another baby just because you lost one, however normal that seems to feel to you now.

This man is 23. It’s possible that he isn’t up for being a part of the cultural norms of getting married as he’s actively said he doesn’t want to get married. that in itself isn’t wrong. but his abusing you during your last pregnancy and then only coming back after you’d lost the baby says everything about the kind of person he is - and isn’t - all in one breath.

On the face of it, having a baby at 23 isn’t the end of the world. My parents had me and my sibling at 20 and 23 respectively, in fact it was the done thing back then.

But equally you still have your whole life ahead of you. To find a career, to live your life, without the trappings of children.

Because as much as you want a baby now, you shouldn’t want being a mum to be your sole focus in life. Because those children aren’t always going to be children, and then you will need other things to occupy your time and focus.

Live your life for now. Get rid of the boyfriend, he’s bad news, even if you decided not to have a baby yet.

You have plenty of time to meet someone, to settle down, to have children ultimately, but for now concentrate on discovering yourself, because it sounds as if you’ve been trapped in the expectations of your culture, marry, have children, live at home, forget all that, and think about what yu could be, and then, and only then, start thinking about future baby plans.

Being blunt: you don't have your own place, you're very young (lots of relationships started as teens don't last), and he doesn't want to be a dad. Why would you even think about having a baby with him right now? Why would you want to deliberately have a child knowing its father doesn't want that to happen and who had already once said he would refuse to support you with a child? I understand that after a loss, the urge to try again can be all-encompassing, but this man has told you very clearly he doesn't want to have a baby - you can't (and shouldn't) try and convince him otherwise.

One thing that hasn’t been covered much on this thread - having experienced a miscarriage, and then having another baby myself, the stuff you’ve read online that having a baby will fix your grief is bollocks.

my “rainbow baby” is sat on the sofa full of a cold right now and I adore her, however the fact I got pregnant with her a few months after losing a baby didn’t stop me grieving the one I’d lost. The baby’s due date was horrific, even though I was pregnant already by then. Unfortunately I lost the baby on a significant date so I have a yearly reminder of the date. It does get easier with time, but another baby quickly won’t fix anything.

im sorry, grieving is so hard.