I want a baby, partner doesn’t…

[nontipie]

Looking for advice from someone unbiased. I’ve (23F) been with my partner (23M) for four years. In October last year i found out I was pregnant but I lost the baby in February. My partner wasn’t happy about the pregnancy whatsoever and would not be there to support us. After the loss we came back together and improved tenfold but ever since I just feel like I’m missing something, I have never got over the loss of my baby, and every online site says TTC is the best way of dealing with pregnancy loss.

The dilemma I’m facing is that as much as I want to have another, my partner doesn’t. He says he’s scared (we’re not moved out yet, we both work full time and I’ll soon be going to a post-grad job and he’s opening a business). I have told him that I want to try again now and if he can’t meet that requirement that I’m going to leave and try with someone else instead of wasting my time here. I don’t want to leave him, we’ve been together for years, my first baby I lost he was the father of them. I would have loved him to have another. But he can’t get over this concern he has. What should I do? I know we’re still young but we’re not in a place of struggling and my prior loss has made me realise how quickly I want to be a mum again.

If he's abusive don't have a baby with him. Find a nice partner.

I saw several woman I know getting pregnant and keeping the baby. In one case the boyfriend moved away and wanted nothing to do with pregnancy and has made no effort with the child since. I know several men who said they wanted a child but before the end of the pregnancy or within the 1st year him and her had split up. It made life very difficult for the mother and child.

I know that you want another baby after you lost your last baby. Your only 23 and your boyfriend was no support to you when this happened. You just about to start a post graduate job and your still living at home. Your boyfriend is about to start his own business and he has told you he does not want to get married or have a child now.

In your situation I would end things with him as I don't think he treated you well when you lost the baby. I would then work hard in your new job and plan a holiday with a few friends. For your own sake you need enjoy a few years of being single, save some money and travel before having a child. Build up your career, save money, do some travel and put yourself in a position that you can meet a man who wants marriage and children.

I had several friends who wanted marriage and children. They worked hard in school and university in order to get a good job and did further study when working to climb the career ladder. They made new friends, traveled and enjoyed life. They met men who wanted marriage and children and they owned a home before they had a child.
One of my friends had use IVF to have her kids. She told me the first few months after having her 1st child was hard going for both herself and her husband despite having a child that was very much wanted. Once you have a baby life changes and you need to be with a man who wants a child also and who is willing to step up to raise them with you.

If your boyfriend was abusive when you got pregnant before then please leave him now. He's shown you who he is and that isn't going to change. And if you want a baby and he doesn't there really is no future in your relationship. I would just urge you not to rush into marriage and babies with a new partner. If you let yourself be blindsided by a desperate desire for a baby you are going to make some bad decisions that you will regret in the long term. Another baby with a new partner should be at least a few years away.

@StopStartStop I echo this advice. Your current partner isn't good husband/dad material but you can meet someone else and have the family you want. Ignore the patronising posts about your age and "living your life". I'm a bit older than you (millennial) and at your age I was living with a boyfriend. He was also 23 and willing to get married in the next few years, plenty of people I know also settled down around this age.
It so happened that we broke up and I ended up getting married to someone else at 29 and having my DD at 30. Even to do it at that age I had to start laying the foundations young - met DH at 25 and then it took a few years to get to know each other, move in together, decide to get married, plan a wedding, buy a house etc.
I'd love to have had my DD in my mid 20s, if I had only met my DH earlier.

So realistically, if you want to have a child (and especially if you want to have more than one), 23 is an ideal age to start thinking about meeting someone to settle down with, unless you're ok with taking the risks of being an older mother.
You always get people who say they had their child at 40 and it all worked out, but for many women it doesn't. My best friend is 38 and has been told she has an extremely low ovarian reserve, this wasn't the case just 2 years ago when she had her first child. She wants a second child but the odds are now not in her favour.

Also, life doesn't stop when you have a family. DH and I travelled together, went out a lot and pursued hobbies, now that DD is growing up we're starting to travel and go out again and do hobbies. It's not a life sentence.

I'm sorry OP but he is not the man for you.
You want to get married and have a baby. He doesn't want to marry you or have a baby.
I would leave him and crack on with life - getting your career on track and, hopefully, meeting someone who wants the same things as you do. Good luck.

Can I just say, as someone who had a baby with a man who didn't want kids, please don't waste your time on this man if you want children. I was with mine for 8 years before falling pregnant (unplanned), he always said he didn't want kids and it's made my life so difficult. If I could turn time back I would have left him, focused on my own life and building a life for myself first. I also lost a baby a few years back and he was so cold and emotionally unavailable, which made me want a baby more for some reason. He's 36 and says he doesn't feel ready to be a dad, despite already being one. Your partner is still young, he may or may not change his mind. It's such a difficult situation to be in, and I'm so very sorry for your loss

You're really young. Go have fun. Babies are hard and life changing

I have no issue with people giving stern advice, I’ve been to therapy and heard “what I don’t want to hear”. Since my latest reply, most have been good advice from good intentions, previously a few weren’t. The comments i’m quoting are just unnecessarily cruel and commented in spite. For example,

“If I was his DM, I’d be telling him to make sure he always uses contraception.”

• I made it clear that I would not intentionally get pregnant by him again knowing how he abused me during the first when he didn’t want it, so why are you treating me as the issue?

“You are not stable enough for a baby. Part of being mature enough to be a mother is having the understanding of placing someone's needs and wellness above your own. You aren't there yet.”

• I’ve gave general context but of course you don’t know me as a person. This one isn’t as bad.

“Oh my, if I had a son (I have two DDs) I be telling him to run from you and use protection.”

• Again, why would he be told to run from me? He abused me. I didn’t do anything to him. I wouldn’t get pregnant again out of his will? So why am I getting treated like a villain by this poster?

“But to leave him because he doesnt want a kid at 23 actually sounds very immature on your part.”

• We’ve been together since we were 19, I made it clear that my plan was to have children around 23/24 after university, he agreed to it. If he can’t meet my relationship requirements that I set four years ago, I have the right to leave and find someone who can…

“You're 23 years old, you're a student, you still live at home and your (very young) partner doesn't want a baby. I don't fucking blame him. The whole thing's ridiculous.”

• A 23 year old suffering a loss of a 20 week baby, who would like to conceive again but is stuck with an abusive partner is ridiculous to you? Again, why am I being villainised?

“Then leave. You can't blackmail someone into being a father like this. It's all about what you 'want'. All of this demostrates that you aren't mature enough to be a mother.”

• I’m not blackmailing him. We had the talk at 19 that our future plans was a first child at 23/24, he didn’t fulfil this and I am more than ready to be a mother. It’s not blackmailing to put your needs first in a relationship?

“Nothing smug about not wanting another traumatised human being dragged up by useless parents.
The OP can't even complete the most basic responsibilities as a mother.”

• This one’s insane, do you know me? There’s people out there who can’t feed their children, house them, clothe them, love them, give them adequete schooling, or have a stable family (my family would help me 10x over if I was left alone by him, which I wouldn’t intend) so how am I useless when I could do those things and more? Not every 23 year old is a uni student with debt…

I know enough.
You're planning on having a baby with an abusive man.

You failed at the first hurdle

Establishing a secure career that will allow you to feed, clothe and shelter your child isn’t just an option to consider, it’s the only way for a sensible reliable person who understands they’ll have a financial obligation on which they cannot default. Nobody said ‘high flying’ was necessary.

This doesn’t sound like the right time or the right relationship.

You've mentioned a few times that he abused you, why do you feel this would be a healthy relationship to bring a child into?

I'm very sorry for your loss OP.

You and your DP are at dfferent lifestages, he isn't going to match your life stage anytime soon.

Whatever anyone promises, they can change their minds, as can you. TBH if he is treating you like this then it is right he is not a father now or any time in the near future. Your life stages are now incompatible, if you want a family life, there is nothing wrong with that but he has at least been honest in telling you he doesn't so it is time to leave the relationship and move on.

Mumsnet is a strange old place where people bash the idea of becoming a parent (despite being a platform that’s meant to be parent friendly) and everyone encourages us to have our babies at 40+.

We are not all the same.

I personally wanted my children before the age of 35. Like you I’m a homey type of person. I had my daughter who is now a teen at 19 - it wasn’t planned - but I have built a beautiful life with her, climbed the career ladder, and doing OK. Despite my daughter being unplanned she comes first - so everyone judging your capacity to love your child or be a good parent is talking BS.

I can see that you will be loving etc BUT - it does feel like you don’t need to hurry this process. Maybe give yourself a year to build the life you need to have this baby - marriage, get that job and at least you have mat leave covered and let your partner give the business a go - it could be a project for your both to work on where you need to be.

As a mum, I would not change my kids at all - but if I could be more prepared for their arrival, I would take the chance.

I also experienced a pregnancy loss - and for me, I used the energy to get myself where I needed to be for my future children. I talked myself into taking a day at a time - and it took over 5 years before I had my second child - but I accomplished so much in that time.

I know the pain must be unbearable. I am also so so sorry that you had to go through it. But talk to your partner and set out a plan and follow through. If after a year or so you arnt where you need to be, you can decide on a. Ultimatum.

edited to fix typos - wrote too quickly!

You are the issue, your latest post repeatedly said he abused you. You already know he's abusive, leave. Why on earth would you bring a baby into an abusive relationship.

You need to come to terms with your loss before you TTC again. Getting pregnant won't fix it. In fact it could make it worse if you haven't dealt with the trauma properly first. The risk of miscarriage again after a second trimester loss is 20% more likely.

It's harsh truth but you need to get yourself out of the relationship not force a child to be raised by a single mother and an abusive father who doesn't want them.

You’ve said he abused you when you were pregnant? So why are you with him? You’re focusing on the wrong things - it shouldn’t be whether he wants a baby or not. It should be about whether this is a healthy relationship or not.

It’s not only him that can leave you know?

I don’t want to bring a baby into a situation where he’s like that, he’s never been abusive since the pregnancy. I understand what he’s like which is why I put forward the idea that I would be leaving if he wasn’t able to have a child with me and do it WILLINGLY/CORRECTLY, and someone said i was immature for saying that and another said I was “black mailing” crazily enough.

FFS.

Have a baby.

Pefect circumstances 😒

I said that he wasn’t willing to have a baby so I intended to leave… I’m not asking how to convince him…

He's not been abusive because you've not been pregnant.

There are hundreds of threads on here and multiple women's support agencies that will tell you abusive men often only become abusive when a women is pregnant. He didn't want your baby. I doubt he's been supportive about your loss either.

The mature thing is to leave and stop wasting your time with a man who doesn't want to have a child with you. Find someone who wants a family and isn't abusive.

Op, you've been given some excellent unbiased wise advice by others, pretty much what you came on here for but may not be fully prepared to hear or understand.

Good luck with finding the peace you're craving, grief is hard.

If your boyfriend has been abusive to you, why are you still with him and why would you consider him a suitable father for your child?

Why would you even stay with him when he was ABUSIVE TO YOU before? Forget about making him a father (he sounds like scum, and not father material, and certainly not husband material), get some self respect! You are telling us he was abusive to you? And you are still with him? Wtf? Drop him back in the gutter where he belongs and choose more wisely when you want a father for your child.

I don’t think your age is the issue, not everyone wants to build a career and have children later.

Your choice of partner is clearly the problem. Please don’t have a child with an abusive man. Once you are pregnant and then once you have a baby, it will become so much harder to leave him if you need to. You’re so vulnerable with a new baby; lots of abuse starts during pregnancy and when baby is born, and your partner has already shown you that he’s capable of this. Focus on having a baby if it’s what you truly want but please don’t have a baby with this man.

What makes you sound immature is...
to consider having a DC with someone that has a history of abusing you. He can promise the world, but the percentage of men who are abusive (there is not one single excuse for this, not trauma, loss, grief, nothing) that go one to never repeat it is miniscule. In over 50 years I've never seen it.
Get your plans in place then, and only then, consider it.
You seem to believe that the heartbreak you went through means you'll be a better mother. You keep using it as an example. It's awful for any woman to go through but if anything it screws up your ability to think (and reply) rationally.
Your faith is clearly important to you and obviously, you became pregnant outside of marriage. Do you think you feel a pull to continue your future with your current partner? If you were my DC I'd not be saying don't marry and have DC when you feel ready. I would be encouraging you to not do it with your current boyfriend.

Sorry, I’m with the majority. I would be so sad if any of my kids had a baby at 23yo (and I have some kids older than that). I’m sorry about the background to it, but I see it as too young. None of mine are into partying etc so it’s not that, it’s the enormous period of growth we go through in our 20’s, where you emerge more formed as a person. It’s good for people to change so much throughout their 20’s due to this ‘growth’. Adding a baby to that phase, can definitely stunt that potential. Just because ‘it’s what our parents did’, doesn’t mean it’s the right thing to do.

To be honest, I can’t imagine any sensible young guy at 23yo wanting to get married and have children so you may struggle there finding one, or maybe not as there are some not so sensible ones out there also.