I want a baby, partner doesn’t…

[nontipie]

Looking for advice from someone unbiased. I’ve (23F) been with my partner (23M) for four years. In October last year i found out I was pregnant but I lost the baby in February. My partner wasn’t happy about the pregnancy whatsoever and would not be there to support us. After the loss we came back together and improved tenfold but ever since I just feel like I’m missing something, I have never got over the loss of my baby, and every online site says TTC is the best way of dealing with pregnancy loss.

The dilemma I’m facing is that as much as I want to have another, my partner doesn’t. He says he’s scared (we’re not moved out yet, we both work full time and I’ll soon be going to a post-grad job and he’s opening a business). I have told him that I want to try again now and if he can’t meet that requirement that I’m going to leave and try with someone else instead of wasting my time here. I don’t want to leave him, we’ve been together for years, my first baby I lost he was the father of them. I would have loved him to have another. But he can’t get over this concern he has. What should I do? I know we’re still young but we’re not in a place of struggling and my prior loss has made me realise how quickly I want to be a mum again.

Please don't try and get pregnant again. With this boyfriend or anyone. He is right; you aren't in a good position to raise a child at the moment. But to be honest, I don't know why you've got back together with him anyway. It sounds like he dumped you the minute you were pregnant. I couldn't get back together with someone who did that. And if he told you he wasn't going to support you and a child, he isn't going to step up if you get pregnant again.

I hope your threat to leave and get pregnant with someone else is just a threat and not your actual plan. Because that too would be a monumentally bad idea. Being a single parent is tough any time. But when you are so young and have yet to get your career and home life established, it will be even harder.

You need to be in a stable place financially, emotionally, and in your relationship before you think about ttc. Rushing to have a baby isn’t going to fix your grief.

Nothing wrong with wanting to be a young mum. Not everyone wants to travel and have a high flying career or they are happy to explore that later in life. You are in the wrong relationship though: your bf does not want kids any time soon. Either break up and look for someone else or accept it isn't happening yet.

He has made it quite clear that he does not want a child now. That is his right. You are both very young, at the very beginning of your careers.

You have no experience of living together, no experience of living independently.

And getting pregnant to replace a lost baby is not a good idea. To be an effective mother, your future child needs you to be mentally stable and you don't sound it.

Much better to look after yourself for a few years. Establish your adult life, live independently. Develop your career to the point it can support you and a child. Whether you stay with your boy friend or not is less important.

The OP still lives with her parents, so she is not financially independent yet. At present she is unable to provide a home for herself, let alone a child.

I'd say there is quite a lot wrong with trying to have a baby in that scenario, with or without this bf.

A lot of these replies sound really condecending. First of all, he has no reason to “run from me” I don’t want to have another baby with him if he isn’t happy about it. My first pregnancy I expierenced abuse, I would never force myself into that situation again knowing he would do the same thing.

Secondly, about my age, not everyone wants to go travelling or partying. I don’t. It’s not in my culture, everyone in my family got married young and had children, I’ve also put forward the idea that I want to be married ASAP and he is not for that either. He is also from a muslim family, where it is completely normal to get married young and then subsequently have children.

Thirdly, it seems a lot of people have missed the affect that losing my previous baby had. I have been to therapy, I’ve improved so much BUT something feels like it is missing, I’ve never fully recovered and it made me realise how much I want to be a mum young. I have as much right to try again as much as a thirty year old mother who lost her baby does.

Lastly, about the house part. We both are fully capable of moving out. My family is well off and we both have high savings, the issue is we need to be married before we move out and he is hesitant about marriage too.

I asked for advice from some unbiased mums, I didn’t ask to be put down…

Again you WANT
A child's needs and rights come above your WANTS.

Get your own house or flat and a good job with good maternity pay. You might need to work two years before you get full mat pay.
Factor paying childcare costs. Be realistic.

Sorry, was the abuse you experienced in pregnancy from him?

If so, please split up with him for good. It won't be better the next time around, and it's no kind of relationship to bring a child into.

Start over with someone new.

My partner wasn’t happy about the pregnancy whatsoever and would not be there to support us.

Maybe it is time you parted company with this young man who does not share your vision of the future. Staying will simply brew up more problems for the long term.

It might be best to wait until you have found the right man and the right home before contemplating children. I do not think you are too young to be having your first child, but I do think the circumstances are not right yet. You need to bide your time. It is hard I know as your hormones have been triggered by the lost pregnancy; but it is definitely better to wait till you are in a position to care for a child with a man who cares for you and wants the child.

For god's sake, don't saddle a human being with a reluctant father. That's utterly immoral and reprehensible.

You are very young. Establish yourself with independence, education, career and work experience. Then find a man who wants children.

And get better contraception in the meantime.

He is not the man for you to have a family with, you are young, yes. But not too young to know you want marriage and children and he has made it clear that he isn't interested.
I'm sorry, but on the plus side its better to know now, you are young enough that you have tome to end this relationship and move on and try and find someone who wants the same things.

Are you married or in a civil partnership?

Do you have a job that pays enough to pay for rent/mortgage and nursery fees?

if the answer is no to those questions then this is not the time to have a baby.

Oh OP - you seem to not get that many posters on here have experienced pregnancy loss. I have, it’s properly shit and does completely mess with your head /hormones. I do get the feel that something is missing and you need to get pregnant again.

but gently- you need to park that desire and focus on building a situation that you could be a great mother, not just have a baby.

firstly advice from 20 + years ahead - once you’ve decided you want to have children, who you have children with is the most important decision you can make for you and your child’s future. Do not have a baby with a reluctant man. Do not have a baby with a man who is “starting a business” (not got a successful business already or a stable job).

Maternity leave and a secure job is important - particularly if there’s a good chance you will be a single mother, and if you get pregnant to this man, you must accept there’s a good chance you’ll be single before your child is 18 (and go read some threads about trying to get maintenance out of self employed men).

You are about to start a new job- how long do you need to be there to get full maternity pay? Will there be intense training to do? Morning sickness took me out for 2 months, I couldn’t think straight before 10am. I had years with that employer and lots of good will, if you don’t, you might find your career doesn’t take off.

you live with your parents - you need to be able to put a roof over your own head. Is it likely you could move out in the next couple of years?

But most of all - remember you are grieving. It’s never a good idea to make massive life changes when you are grieving and creating a new life, tying yourself to a man you can’t rely on, these are massive decision. Give yourself some time to heal.

It's clear he's not managed it so far.....

I understand not wanting a child at 23, not enough time to have any serious life experience; and by the sounds of it they're not in a position to have a child emotionally or financially..

OP, please don't get pregnant again, you're likely to find yourself being a single parent

He’s made his position clear and it sounds as if he doesn’t want a baby with you right now. Experiencing a loss is traumatic (I’ve been there) but now is the time to focus on getting some stability in your life, moving out of home and becoming independent before you think about becoming a parent.

From what you're saying, it sounds like he's abusive and neglectful - correct me if wrong.

There's someone better out there for you.

This person will make your life a misery and your child will grow up in an unhappy home.

OP, your second post has made it clear that your current boyfriend is not the person to settle down with. He doesn't want children at this stage in his life, you do, and he doesn't want marriage and you do. The fact he was willing to walk out on you when you were pregnant shows he doesn't care enough about you to support you even without living together. I'd suggest that also shows how little support you could expect in any future marriage should he decide to marry you.
Find someone else who shares your outlook and will truly care for you. It sounds as though as you have grown up you have developed different outlook and paths. Good luck.

That is such a smug post to the OP.

Nobody - but nobody - puts the needs of someone else first when they decide they want a baby. It's selfishness/personal need/biology. It's certainly not for the potential child, is it?

OP... I do agree with other posters though that you will make your own life and any child's life, unnecessarily harder if you decide to have a baby without full engagement of your partner. If you have time, I would take that time and think about whether I wanted to stay or not. Having children/not having children is a deal-breaker (or should be).

Best wishes to you, I'm sorry for your miscarriage.

You say he was abusive to you. So why on earth would you want to marry and have children with him?

The baby question is a red herring here - you are with an abusive man!

Before you think about marriage or babies you need to find the right man for you, one who will be a good husband to you and a good father to your children. Only then should you even begin to consider marriage.

Don't make the mistake of marrying the first man who comes along just because you want to have a child. That way lies misery and unhappiness.

Thank you, I don’t understand why people are being rude. I’m only 23 and have went through all this. No one “needs” a baby, all babies are wants. It’s not a human right, it’s a privilege. That said, to say I wouldn’t place my babies needs above my own is absurd. I was in hospital for two days when I had a miscarriage at 20 weeks. I held my baby for hours when he passed away, I would do ANYTHING for him and to have him back. And he isn’t even earth side with us, so I think it’s beyond rude to say I wouldn’t put my own child’s needs above my own.

You owe it to any new human you might create to select the best possible father for it: stable, well-employed, reasonably well educated, respectable, competent, non-abusive, solvent, loving and enthusiastic about becoming a parent. That all goes for the mother, too.

Don't snatch at any randomer because you feel broody. It's not about your wants. It's about creating a life that is going to be positive and healthy to welcome a new person into.

What is your current position vis a cis education, career, employment, savings, goals?

Nothing smug about not wanting another traumatised human being dragged up by useless parents.

The OP can't even complete the most basic responsibilities as a mother.
She can choose a father whose hood and stable.
And can't provide a stable base.

And yet you won't choose a good father for the baby.

@nontipie I have read the whole thread, and can't see any one being rude. Some of the comments are perhaps blunter than others, but that's just one of the joys of Mumsnet!
And what you perceive as condescending comments are just coming from women trying to help and advise, who have many life experiences, and are probably closer in age to your own mother than to you (myself included).
All of the advice which you have been given is good and sound. It's just not what you want to hear right now.
Please can I ask what your parents thought about your pregnancy and your current plans? Do they support you?
I wish you well, but please don't disregard the advice you have been given here.