I want a baby, partner doesn’t…

[nontipie]

Looking for advice from someone unbiased. I’ve (23F) been with my partner (23M) for four years. In October last year i found out I was pregnant but I lost the baby in February. My partner wasn’t happy about the pregnancy whatsoever and would not be there to support us. After the loss we came back together and improved tenfold but ever since I just feel like I’m missing something, I have never got over the loss of my baby, and every online site says TTC is the best way of dealing with pregnancy loss.

The dilemma I’m facing is that as much as I want to have another, my partner doesn’t. He says he’s scared (we’re not moved out yet, we both work full time and I’ll soon be going to a post-grad job and he’s opening a business). I have told him that I want to try again now and if he can’t meet that requirement that I’m going to leave and try with someone else instead of wasting my time here. I don’t want to leave him, we’ve been together for years, my first baby I lost he was the father of them. I would have loved him to have another. But he can’t get over this concern he has. What should I do? I know we’re still young but we’re not in a place of struggling and my prior loss has made me realise how quickly I want to be a mum again.

You may need to get therapy to help you process the loss. You certainly shouldn't be trying for another baby.

You partner doesn't want children so I'm sorry but you have no right to be trying to force him into it.

I get that you are hurting but right now but it's causing you to make bad decisions. And no, new babies do not heal prior loss.

Seek out your gp as you may need some medication to help you get over the main hump of things.

You're too young for kids. He's too young too. And, doesn't want them. You're not even married yet (not that that's a prerequisite but surely it should at least be a discussion before kids are).

Being a grown up means learning to heal your pain properly. Not trying to block it out with other things. Face your pain and overcome it. Do the therapy, take the time. Don't create a whole other person in order to placate it. No child deserves to be a plaster for their parents issues.

OP you have had the most horrific experience, and without a supportive partner. I'm so sorry.

I think you should break up with your boyfriend. You want different things and his character is questionable. I'd also suggest you talk to your therapist about the abuse. Your therapist can help you get to a place where you can find a man who not only wants the same things as you but also has the character that you should want for your future precious baby.

Do not try to manipulate or give ultimatums to your current BF (or any future BF). Just leave him. I wish you all the luck in the world.

You want to think very clearly about the sort of man you want as the father of your children. Frankly he should be prepared to marry you for a start. Legal protections aside, being married has been shown to markedly increase the chances he'll be around when the child is 18. Together, ideally, you should have a secure place to live, have completed your formal education, and have got your feet on at least the first rungs of the career ladder.

Many men will tell you anything you want to hear, including that they want a baby with you because they simply want sex. They're less keen on sticking round to look after the baby. Imagine it's 3 am and the baby has been crying for an hour and a half, you're crazed from lack of sleep and then the baby projectile vomits over the cot, the floor and you.

Babies are hard work. They grow into denanding toddlers and difficult teenagers. They need clothes, toys, food and heating. The cost of chilcare is astronomical if you are working. If you want to be a SAHM, your partner will need to earn enough to support the family. My children learned sports, had music lessons and language lessons. They had braces and private medical care. One had extensive and successful therapy for a co-ordination problem. One only got into medicine as a post graduate and we funded years of him living in different city to do that. I feel so sorry for young single parents scraping along in cold rental accommodation having to watch every penny. My husband worked overseas a lot when they were little and doing everything on your own is exhausting and I was only doing it in stretches of a month or two.

I'm not saying children are for the rich or middle classes either. My parents were working class immigrants who worked hard to give me a good life. Yes they were a bit older when I was born but they had financial security and I had a great education and my mum was a SAHM. What sort of life are you envisioning for your future child when you seem to be living at home and your boyfriend, apart from not wanting a child at 24 is only just setting up a business.

The fact you would even consider having a baby with someone who has been abusive, is horrifying.

If you want to put up with that; fine. Don’t subject an innocent child to it.

Oh OP I totally understand your feelings but you are being unreasonable.

I was pregnant at 21 and when I didn't have that baby I was insistent we TTC, to the point of obsession, I was angry and hurt and felt like I was missing a huge part of me. DH (dp at the time) wasn't ready, he didn't want to be a dad yet and it nearly broke us. You can't force him to be ready, and sounds like financially it's not the right time either.

You need to either accept it and focus on what you can sort out ready to start trying work/housing etc or walk away. Blackmail isn't the answer and will just breed resentment- trust me I know..

All the best and I hope you're okay x

@nontipie - what would you like your life to look like at 30?

Will you be working or a SAHM? Will you have 2 or 3 dcs or more, or just one? Will you be in a secure relationship? Bought a house or in rented or with parents?

Now think how well an abusive relationship fits in that, doesn’t seem to be a good idea. He was abusive when you were pregnant- most normal men go into caring and protecting mode when their partner is pregnant, he didn’t. He’s not someone you want to be pregnant with.

if you get pregnant by this man at this time, will the rest of the age 30 plan be scuppered?

work out what you want from life and how the best way to get there. Nothing you have written suggests this man will be a good fit for the life you want.

He’s only not being abusive at the moment because life suits him better this way. He’s still an abusive man and he will still abuse you in the future, should you stay with him. If you’ve any self respect at all op, you really ought to leave him. Happiness will not lie with this man for you.
You’re not ‘stuck’ with him. You’re very young and relatively unattached to him, you’re in the ideal situation to make a clean break. Trust me, it’ll be the best decision you could make, the kind you look back on in the future and can’t believe you didn’t do earlier.

You can’t blackmail your partner into having a child. Kindly - get some counselling and live your life. Travel, meet new people - there’s plenty of time to be drowning in dirty nappies. A baby needs stability not a chaotic situation where the potential father isn’t ready. What are you thinking?!!!

Sweetheart, if he's been abusive before (abuse often starts during pregnancy) then he will be abusive again. I recognise the desire to get pregnant again after a loss but you absolutely cannot have a baby with a man who has abused you. It's time to let this relationship go, do some work on yourself and seek a non abusive partner in due course that you can have happy children with. Not this one.

Absolutely agree with this comment. 23 and just starting out in life is not the best time to have a baby. You need to be financially stable.

@nontipie he abused you during pregnancy. That should be enough for you to leave him.
In a way you're lucky you've seen this side of him already.
You only have to read MN to see what happens when women have children with the wrong men.
Also you days he's Muslim ? Are you as well because if you're not his family may not be happy.

You can't hold someone to a plan they made as a teenager. Most people don't stay with the boyfriend/girlfriend they were with at 19, it doesn't tend to work out. Leave him because he's not what you want but don't make moving on all about trying to have another baby. You've not had time alone as an adult and you've got a lot of issues already to deal with that a new man and a baby won't fix. Separate and take one step at a time.

You had a miscarriage. Your bf was abusive. You want a baby. He doesn't. You want to leave him. What exactly do you need help with? Just leave?

This is insane, and seriously bad advice @theprincessthepea

The OP's partner was abusive when she was pregnant. He only stopped being abusive because she stopped being pregnant. Stats show that this is a really common pattern - for domestic violence to start in pregnancy.

Why on earth would you advise a young woman (who has all the time and options in the world!) to stay with an abusive man with the aim of getting pregnant by him in a few years time?

The OP is only 23. She has time to leave this man, work out what she wants out of life, start a career, find a new relationship and marry/have kids before the age of 30 if that is what she wants.

But no sensible woman should be advising her to stay in this relationship.

OP, you appear to be willingly blinding yourself to the stats on domestic violence starting in pregnancy.

If a man is abusive when you're pregnant, and does nothing to address his issues, he will do it again. If you bring a baby into that situation, you are giving them an abuser for a father.

You are young enough to have all the time in the world, and you have so many options open to you. Read up on domestc abuse, and choose wisely.

Hey @TarantinoIsAMisogynist

I only read the main message - I didn’t see the notes about the abuse. Sorry about that. I also didn’t want to come across as mean as everyone was having a go at OP.

I shared my story to show that you will love a child as OP was getting lots of hate and being told that she won’t be a good mum - no one can predict that,

I would definitely say run from an abusive person - regardless of how much they promise to change. See it as a lucky escape. And focus on you - at 23 there is so much to achieve. Abuse always gets worse.

My advice is to take it a day at a time and to focus on herself and her career. I know how fixated one can get over the loss of a pregnancy and I believe that most of the comments were attacking OP. So I advise to take a day at a time - that is what I needed to hear when I was in that space as I couldn’t think months in advance or pick up the motivation to think in years. I was about 25. Don’t get pregnant with anyone until you get yourself a job - what happened to me was that I fell in love with work and focused on it. Don’t get pregnant until you have x - make an agreement with yourself that works for you. And defo add some councelling for support so that there is someone else that can give you an outsiders view.

Apologise I only read page 1 when I responded.

You are 23. That's so young.

Just dump him. He's not for you. The happiest families come from a man and woman who together decide they want a child together - they both want a family.
This is the wrong way to start.

Find someone else who loves you and wants a child with you. Don't torture yourself or your future child.