You never know what goes on behind closed doors…

[Butterscotchcloudstangerine]

Namechanged.

My marriage isn’t in the best place, and this has been the case for some time. One thing I sometimes think about is how we look from the outside and how most people think DH is such a lovely man - generous, kind, funny, outgoing. He can be all of those things to me, sometimes, and it’s largely how he comes across to the outside world.

But behind doors it’s often different. He’s snappy, mean, and critical. He just lost his temper (again) over a very minor thing tonight, and I am sitting here thinking about what friends and colleagues would say if they saw him behaving like such a dick. I’m not just talking about how we ‘let our guard down’ at home btw, it’s worse. He’s not abusive as such, but just behaving like an asshole.

It’s probably getting worse as he ages, and right now I’m questioning our future. I’m not here for advice on whether or not to leave him as such, but I’m more curious as to if anyone has experienced similar, this ‘outside/inside’ behaviour? My closest know I’m not very happy, and once or twice they’ve seen him get snappy or critical - however, they don’t know the full extent. I can’t even bring myself to tell them some of the comments/behaviour, I am not sure why when they are all loving and supportive.

anyone know what I’m talking about?

I'm reading the replies but just wanted to tell you that I totally understand, it can be so confusing!

Nobody knows what goes on behind closed doors. Who he is at home and how he treats you are all that matter. The other guy isn’t real.

What a great idea!

I relate to so many stories here. My ex used to be a lovely man. Very happy for the first 5 years of our marriage. But then he started to lose his temper and shout and swear at me. I was constantly feeling like I was treading on eggshells. During divorce, I had to apply for a non-mol after he harassed me. Oh my God, the lies he told people about me! He did everything he could to wreck my life and my mental health. People who I thought were mutual friends wrote supporting statements for him about what a nice guy he is. He is a nice guy - to those he likes and are 'on his side'. But if he thinks you are 'not on his side' he is vicious and cruel. I lost all my mutual friends because they cannot accept this side of him to be true and believe his lives. I'm now rebuilding my life and doing well. But I'll never trust another man again.

Solidarity to everyone who has been through this and much love to those unable to leave. I hope you're able to find support to escape xx

I know of at least two cases

One are my parents
She's a narcissistic bitch,who has to have her own way at all times
He's a weak bastard,who goes along with it for a quiet life
The term 'happy wife is a happy life' was meant for them-his needs don't matter
She's charming,friendly,always helping others and is the life and soul in public
Behind closed doors is the exact opposite-she's spiteful,nasty,controlling and violent
He's given up everything and everyone who could help him-she made sure of it-she's had well over 50 years to make him lose everything (she knew he was a good man,so married him as soon as she could and then had us kids so we'd be the perfect family and he couldn't leave her-we where nothing more than chips in her game)
I've seen her mask slip so many times in public,she knows this so hates me,but nobody else seems to see it

The other is a married couple at work
(He's left now thankfully)
I've heard him say utterly foul things about her behind her back,his kids look at him with pure hate and he puts her down at every opportunity in front of others ('it's only a laugh,innit?' Complete with death stare at her)
He's never had to worry about anything in his life-from his shirts being ironed to childcare-its never entered his head that these things need doing as she's always done it, leaving him free to climb the greasy pole
Her job (at a slightly lower rank,due to maternity leaves) I'd seen by him as not a real job and pin money
I've seen his mask slip so many times as I know what I'm looking for-and,again,he knows it so tried to push me out of my job so many times
Thankfully,it was him that was pushed when a load of the younger girls (aged 16-20) grouped together and spoke up of his sexual assaults on them
I know for a fact,he took it out on her and the kids-they have to put up,shut up and tip-toe round him or suffer

Both these people will swear blind they are happy in their marriages and there is no abuse going on

Apparently- said to my only friend left in the world at the time - I was in a mental institution for 5 years.. this was an attempt to break our friendship but I called him out on it and he said “me or her” I chose her and started putting his stuff into bin bags

We have a baby…this is what I worry about for the future 😢 what I find difficult is he can be really nice for a while and then I feel like I’m being unreasonable or creating things in my head to be worse than they are. He will sometimes do nice things, for example recently paid for my car to go in the garage while I’m on mat leave. However I think I’m also being financially abused in some ways, but again sometimes I wonder if I’m expecting too much. I now know this is the cycle of abuse but it’s really difficult to tell myself that sometimes. I remember the first time he ever shouted and got angry because something I said triggered him. I reacted by crying and he then switched to being nice and told me it was ok and that couples argue. I’ve almost believed it was normal behaviour for years. I don’t know why, because in my previous long term relationship, I was never shouted at. I worry if I stand up for myself more, things will escalate.
I have told a family member a few things recently. I also have a few friends who I’ve known for a very long time, who I know would always believe and support me. They are quite shocked at the things I’ve told them.
Though I have chosen to have a child with this man, and I now feel immensely guilty for my choices. I’ve wanted to write a post on here for support for a while, but worried I’d be piled on because I’ve put myself in this position. So I’ve found this thread quite comforting to read through in a way (not that I find comfort in anyone else’s pain, but just that I’m not alone).

@MochaLove I realised, all of a sudden, that I needed to end my marriage when my youngest started to treat me like his father did, and when he noticed, my abusive XH said that he hated seeing DS behave like that. I saw in an instant that DS had unwittingly thought his father's behaviour was completely normal - why wouldn't he - and was copying it. And then XH was using that as a way to get between me and DS...so, so insidious.

This is how the cycle continues, and that's why I left...I still struggle with DS behaving in certain ways, because I can only explain so much about why I don't want him to do it (because of his age and because I am deliberately not badmouthing his father), but he is doing it less and less, and when one day I can explain properly, I hope he will "get it" and not do it ever again, not to me or anyone else.

If you have concerns now, then plan to get out whilst your baby is still small. It's not easy, but it's infinitely easier than staying - you are not imagining what's going on (that's just part of the headfuck that makes you stay), and you don't have to wait for the next bad thing to give yourself permission to leave. There are lots of us out here who used to be where you are, and I can promise you life is a lot, lot happier than it used to be.

I find it immensely tragic that so many of us have or have had experience of such men in our lives, be that fathers, partners etc . It's really quite frightening 😔

Being nice for a while is how they keep you.

You doubt yourself. You think it'll be ok.

If they were vile all the time, you would leave sooner.

But boundaries have been crossed and the unpleasantness is pretty established now.

He paid for your car to go to the garage? Do you have separate finances then? Are you managing on your maternity pay?

Both those stories are so sad.

Thank you so much. 🙏

There were a few things I wanted to add to this, especially for the posters with young children.

I grew up with this b/c my father did it. The marriage didn't end until I was a young adult. Letting me grow up with this did two things: it destroyed my health (I'm chronically ill, and so is my sibling, we'd both had multiple surgeries by the age of 40), and it left me in a place where I have no relationship with my mother and don't want one. It didn't just destroy my relationship with him.

You can make a choice that it ends with you.

The other thing I wanted to say is that I've been married now for over 20 years. I think we've had maybe 4 arguments in that time. My husband has never called me names. He doesn't shout. He's never given me the silent treatment. He's never belittled me. I don't feel anxious in my own home now. I always felt anxious growing up, like a constant, gnawing pain of anxiety.

And he's never made me cry. Not once.

A man who does is not a good man and it's not normal.

"Don't take it out on me" and "I'm not the people you work with, i haven't done anything wrong" were on constant repeat in my house.

It was SO easy to take out his annoyance and frustration on me because i did something that 'reminded' him of what the people at work were doing.

My dad was in this club!

Hopefully it infuriates the life out of him 🤣 then he will want to start a tirade of abuse but we've all blocked him and the person who left him has changed her number. He can sit and fizz in his flat alone with his drink 🤣

I was with my ex for 10 years, I know this term is banded about a lot, but he was/still is a narcissist. He was financially, emotionally, sexually and on occasion physically abusive. When I finally left people were shocked, they said things like 'you were like two peas in a pod', when I told my Mum she was horrified that she'd never picked up on it, she thought we were blissfully happy. Our relationship was the definition of 'you never know what goes on behind closed doors'.

But of course that's what abusers bank on.

Exactly in the same situation. Except now I left and my children still suffer. I was such a fool to think I should preserve their relationship with him. The true cost is only now beginning to be apparent. Don’t make my mistake anyone reading that. If he abused you, he is NOT and never will be a good dad.

Your father is a very wise man ❤️ x

I've had this twice - first from my mother. I'm 57 and still have people telling me how great my childhood must have been with such a lovely mum but at home she was nasty and moody. She wore me down and my first husband saw me coming and carried it on. I thought it was normal behaviour. I'm now married to the nicest, kindest man but I'm still affected by the abuse I suffered from my mum and first husband.

Sad but not surprising to read about so many outwardly nice guys. One of the loveliest guys I knew was a work colleague who was kind and thoughtful. He mentored me when I started my new job, posted on SM about the ways men should be an ally to women and epitomised a ‘good guy’.

One Christmas he brought his wife to a work party. They were the picture perfect couple. Later that evening I went into the underground employee car park to drive home and overheard him calling her the vilest names (fat cunt) while she stood weeping until he grabbed her and shoved her almost head first into the car. I was completely shocked to the point where I wondered the next morning if I’d imagined the whole thing. I could not reconcile the man in the carpark with the man I knew. This was over 10 years ago and I still think about his wife. They are still together and he is still seen as a good guy.

And what if other people saw him for the twat he is, what would that change?
When you keep schtum about an arsehole partner it isn’t to protect them it’s to protect yourself. You don’t want your choice to stay to be challenged or worse, being criticised for leaving.

No one is going to stop him being an arsehole or rescue you from him from being an arsehole. Only you can decide if you wish to continue to be in close proximity of being with an arsehole.

We had an absolutely lovely community police officer who was a gentle, kind man and nice to everyone. He even won the town newspaper’s local hero award. One day he was on the front page because he’d strangled his wife and almost killed her. It was the culmination of years of abuse and her sister told me the attention he got from people who said how wonderful it was, made her situation so much worse to cope with, knowing how evil he actually was to her and the kids.

My exh was the same. When we finally split my parents and siblings were devastated, because they loved him so much. My friends couldn't belive it either, they would always say they wished they had a man like mine. Took me months before I had the courage to tell then all what he was really like. They can't look at him now. They all felt guilty that they couldn't see it, but he was just so good at pretending, no one could see it.

This is very much my life.
I know that I put up with things at home that I shouldn't. I am too tired to fight it as I am also the main earner and the only one who maintains the household admin / kids schedules etc the usual mental load.

My husband threw a party we couldn't afford at our house, and I saw first hand how everyone thinks he's amazing. Nobody had any idea that I manage the money and I had told him we couldn't afford it. He chose to ignore that information because he was obsessed with projecting an image to the world of something we are not.

l didn't really know his wider group of friends over the last 6 or 7 years because our youngest was very clingy and getting a babysitter was difficult. As our youngest matured a little it became slightly easier for me to go out. One night we were at a pub where there were many people from a larger friendship group of his playing live music. His is from a different country so the friendship group is always growing as more people from their part of the world join them. I am English but I speak their language fluently. In a noisy pub you may not hear the anglo-tinge to my accent.

I overheard a conversation between 2 people who didn't know who I was..... they said something along the lines of... "Isn't [insert my husband's name] an amazing singer. He's such good fun... I've heard his wife is a bit sour-faced. Apparently she is very serious and never wants to come out. She even tried to stop him having a birthday party earlier this year. I feel really sorry for him having to live with a woman like that when he's got such a bright personality. I don't know why so many [people from their country] go for boring English girls....."

I was gobsmacked and I realised how people might view our marriage.

My husband has severe ADHD and a very traumatic childhood. His mother was the same: she carefully kept a positive profile to the outside world but at home she was a tyrant. She still lives in this fantasy world where she's a great person. She even convinces her own children of her amazing parenting by making stuff up or using generic phrasing on social media. My recent favourite to my husband's younger sister was some silly post about how she shields her from all the bullets people shoot at her in life, how she will always put her body between the bullies and her daughter. Complete fantasy. There are no bullies, there are no figurative "bullets". I see now that most of my husband's childhood was like this - she didn't parent with actions, she parented by telling stories about stuff that didn't happen.

My husband often re-creates his awful childhood and often speaks to me how his mother spoke to him inside the house. His ADHD and childhood trauma bonds play a huge part in my marriage.