You never know what goes on behind closed doors…

[Butterscotchcloudstangerine]

Namechanged.

My marriage isn’t in the best place, and this has been the case for some time. One thing I sometimes think about is how we look from the outside and how most people think DH is such a lovely man - generous, kind, funny, outgoing. He can be all of those things to me, sometimes, and it’s largely how he comes across to the outside world.

But behind doors it’s often different. He’s snappy, mean, and critical. He just lost his temper (again) over a very minor thing tonight, and I am sitting here thinking about what friends and colleagues would say if they saw him behaving like such a dick. I’m not just talking about how we ‘let our guard down’ at home btw, it’s worse. He’s not abusive as such, but just behaving like an asshole.

It’s probably getting worse as he ages, and right now I’m questioning our future. I’m not here for advice on whether or not to leave him as such, but I’m more curious as to if anyone has experienced similar, this ‘outside/inside’ behaviour? My closest know I’m not very happy, and once or twice they’ve seen him get snappy or critical - however, they don’t know the full extent. I can’t even bring myself to tell them some of the comments/behaviour, I am not sure why when they are all loving and supportive.

anyone know what I’m talking about?

My ex was charm itself when out and about. He was sooo nice to everyone. He always let everyone else board the bus first or let lots of people go in front of him in a queue. He did lots of voluntary work in the village always with a big smile on his face and everyone thought he was wonderful.
But at home he was awful. He would come in at all hours drunk (after getting pissed with friends from the voluntary work). Then he'd start having a go at me about all sorts of things. He did fuck all at home - I was expected to do everything so he could go out and play Mr. Generosity in the village. When I tried to get him to pull his weight he just went out moaning and talking shit about me to all of these friends and acquaintances which turned a lot of people against me.
After he'd moved out he moved on to another woman and started the same shit about her, about how awful she was and she was "banning" him from doing all this voluntary stuff but slowly the tide began to turn against him. I think people realized that he was the problem once the second woman was being accused of exactly the same sort of things as he'd accused me of.
The last time I saw him he'd moved on to a third woman. He started trying to apologize for his awful behaviour and then he said that people in the village were "awful" to him now because they couldn't accept his new girlfriend. But frankly I think they got wise to how awful he actually is.

My in Laws...everyone thinks they're this lovely, sociable couple who are the heart of the family. When my husband was growing up they were just as you describe (bad tempered and unpleasant behind closed doors). Now they aren't working and have significant inheritance they don't have the tempers but they're still covertly very controlling and honestly do not have a nice word to say about anyone, even close family. The moment the door is shut they begin insulting whoever has visited. What makes it worse is we know they do it about us as well. It's difficult as people just cannot see how they would ever be like it because they're so friendly on the outside. It makes you question yourself after a while (is it all in my head, am I the problem etc).

OP, all you can do while you make decisions is quietly build up support, telling the truth to family and friends, moving into a spare bedroom and quietly detaching emotionally.
Spend the least amount of time with him.
Just do your own thing.

It will make any decision easier and the the time in between calmer for you.

When he is grumpy, actively avoid him.
Go quiet, do not engage, busy yourself.
If asked about it, just calmly say that you seem to need space and that is what I am giving you.
On a loop.

Then make your plans.
Men like this get a lot worse in retirement I believe.

Someone very close to me has just escaped this after her confiding in me and I told her that it's actually abuse. We've since realised the guy is an absolute narcissist (this word does get thrown around a lot but this guy could have wrote the book for it). Since leaving he's done every single thing we knew he would, he's so predictable I should have put bets on. He's literally following a narcissists handbook, trying to get her back with all the promises and when she doesn't back down hurls abuse at her. When she told other family members she was leaving him they all said how it was such a shame. They have no idea what the man is really like. Just as other posters have said it's honestly like a mask. Nice to everyone, helps everyone, neighbours go to guy for DIY, class clown, life and soul of the party etc but then has nothing but complete disrespect and abuse behind closed doors, constantly pushing boundaries and how far he can push her. He's still trying to control things offering to do / pay for stuff for her wellbeing as he calls it, he acts like she won't survive without him. Again she says no and the abuse begins again including lying that her own family said this / hate her etc. I've just sent him a book on how not to be a narcissist after I was also a target for his foul mouth 🤣

@ThisGreyPanda reminds me of 'nan' on Catherine Tate!

Not to this extent, no, definitely not.

I think if state pensions were higher , housing was cheaper in so many areas and older women were not seen as 'redundant' workwise , there would actually be far more divorces in 40s and 50s than there are. So many men ( not all) turn into curmudgeonly controlling funsuckers as they get older . Some women too by the way.

Another one who knows exactly what mean, op. Currently mid divorce. I would recommend reading It’s not you by Dr Ramani, and listening to her videos on YouTube. Also, Debbie Mirza. Eye opening.

Nobody should have to put up with this behaviour. These types of partners need to get help for their own inadequacies 😞

Men like that rely on our silence in the assumption that we will not be believed. And they're right. Women are often dismissed and gaslighted into doubting our own validity.

The boiling frog analogy well describes how this behaviour can become a version of 'normal'.

I urge any woman who is living with a man like this to end their relationship. It only ever gets worse.

my sisters ex was one-well i saw throug it but everyone else thougt he was so lovely

controlle everyting to te point my sister coulnt see it either

were shoccke when they split didnt help that he still lies about it

I understand how this feels - to the extent that I never told my family why I really left my previous partner, because I was worried they wouldn't believe me, as they absolutely loved him. The show he put on when he was in public is just astonishing. Even the few friends I told were in shock, and I'm not 100% sure they fully believed that he could act like that.

Yup, my experience too. Wasn’t always the latter - it got worse and worse over time as he turned into a bitter, angry man. I divorced him.

Im currently in my second looks-perfect-from-the-outside marriage and know exactly what you mean.

Im currently considering separation and our friends and family will be floored. I already know some of my family will say “but you haven’t even tried” or “why don’t you work on things” not knowing we’re months into couples therapy, blood sweat and tears of hard work has gone into things. But we’re keeping it private to us. No one knows a thing.

So I always wonder what is going on in other couples’ private space.

In the situation like this I'm aware of, I think this behaviour is also intereting on break up because so often, even as the behaviour escalates and spirals, it can happen that the people outside of the relationship excuse it, even when they see it. So endless vile text messages and accusations... "Oh, he's just upset. He shouldn't have said those things but you're breaking his heart and he lashed out."

He does these controlling behaviours - like trying to pay for things or whatever and she KNOWS its controlling but everyone else says, "he's just trying to be nice."

It's really hard.

Quietly record the outbursts on your phone. You don't have to share it. But for your own sanity it proves to yourself that it's really happening

@Butterscotchcloudstangerine just want to highlight this post from @MochaLove

i'd say to you both, that i have been there, done this and come out the other side.

First we lie to ourselves, it's not that bad etc etc, find excuses for it, blame ourselves,stress etc etc.then we lie to our friends to protect this man. we don't want our friends to think badly of him, or have feelings hurt because of his behaviour

BUT HE'S NOT BOTHERED ABOUT OUR FEELINGS...

he fundamentally knows what he is doing because he's masking it in front of others

If you have kids, he's training THEM to disrespect you by showing them how Daddy treats Mummy, or worse - how a man treats his partner. If you have boys, beware. If you have girls, beware, you will recreate the dynamic you live in their day to day relationships.

THAT WILL KILL YOU

The first step in this process is to admit to yourself that this isn't how you want to live, that it's not making you happy, is not healthy or sustainable

the next thing is to take a deep breath and confide in your friends - and family if appropriate. I say this because my family are a shit show and made things a million time worse - but gently you will see that fewer people than you think are fooled by his mask.

Steps after that are for you to stand up for yourself/kids and look at what you want to do next

oh and yes, these guys are boringly predictable - the Why does He Do that book by Lundy Bancroft is an absolute saviour here.

I am so sorry he is like this! and totally appalled by your midwifes attitude- she absolutely should be asking the questions and dealing with the responses in a confidential and professional way.

My XH was a mean, violent bully. Abusive in all manner of ways, yet helpful and charming to others. Friends thought he was a benign, lovely guy.

When I eventually threw him out and dared to speak about what went on behind closed doors, I was met with "MrViolette would never hurt a fly!". It makes you feel like you're living in an alternate universe and be quite lonely as you don'tget the support you need . Our children were the only ones that had witnessed the truth.

My advice is to always make your close friends and family aware, don't be complicit in any masquerade.

@DHCommNarcName

Sorry for the delay.

It isn’t one big thing, but many little things. A look here, or a comment there. Stories that are positive but have a negative underlying within. Children that aren’t as connected as they should be.

Specific examples: a baby has been sick, he carries on eating and telling jovial stories whilst she deals with it all. A very subtle look (that my DH didn’t notice) to silence her when she touches on a topic he doesn’t like. A shift in his body language (again unperceptible to my DH) A story from her in private that’s meant to be a joke but actually is about his rash temper. He very subtly puts her down, in a way that others might not notice at first. Hints that she has less choice or is unable to make decision about household things (this for me is an obvious one that is common across a few friends). She’s scraping together pennies for kids clothes but he’s buying fancy wine gadgets (again a common one). Hesitating to have people round to the house. She’s on edge about mess etc, but the house is immaculate. She’s always trying to be better, but she’s already wonderful. She does most of the actually childcare / feeding / bedtimes, he plays with them in public eg physical loud play that rags them up and hands them back to her.

Please do talk to your friend. I would always, absolutely always, believe my friend.

A man who is sexually and financially controlling is not a good man

Well done. I loved reading this, you are an inspiration to me. Well done x x

@LivelyMintViper i did this, recorded the outbursts then sent to a mutual male friend. I was too embarrassed to send it to anyone else. But also too frightened to listen again. That night was when i decided it was over and nothing was going to change this.

If a man is fun loving, charming, good natured when outside of the home and a mean prick inside the home, it’s a choice.

Very well said.

Outsiders will likely know something is off - bit they may well think it’s you (because he’s probably making quiet comments to influence others without it being overtly obvious)

This is definitely my experience.

It is abusive OP.