Eight years single… no interest

[Glittercloud17]

I’ve been single for 8 years. I enjoy being single. Do what I want, when I want, no stress, no drama. But I would like someone…

I do meet tons of fabulous men; some are Doctors, scientists, lawyers, successful businessmen, etc but I have zero desire back. Literally everyone gives me the ick very quickly or we have a great few dates and then I’m done, and lose interest. Partly I don’t find most men attractive anymore (yes, I'm straight heterosexual female), I’m 45, look great for my age, take care of myself, run a business, single parent, rocking life, and I find no one matches me.

Before my child was born (pre pandemic, pre perimenopause) I had relationships, mainly crap ones with imbalances and toxicity. My daughter is desperate for me to settle down (her father is not in our lives), and I am trying to get out there and meet ‘the one’ but I just can’t connect with anyone emotionally. I had a happy upbringing with positive dad influence and I want that for her. I’ve done a lot of work on myself, with therapy to get to a good place, but I worry that I’m in such a good place that I don’t have space for a man to take up my time.

I really feel like giving up this time. No more speedating, apps, blind dates for example. I wouldn’t mind if it were just me. But one day when my daughter is grown, and even during that journey, I would like to share with someone ‘special’.

has this happened to you? Did you give up or keep going? Is my soulmate really out there?

I don’t like anyone either, but unlike you I don’t do dating, so haven’t even tried, but I prefer to get to know someone naturally, dates would feel forced. if I meet someone I have that spark with, then it’s going to be a needle in a haystack kind of guy, and meant to be. If I don’t, I’m happier alone than with someone in not 100% into. I was single ten years, then met someone I was crazy about, together a couple of years, didn’t work out because he had major issues with lying and all sorts. Been single now for 3 years

Sometimes there is no rhymes or reason to who you end up liking. Someone can tick all the boxes but there just isn't that connect.

I gave up. Met my now DH randomly when out for a walk when I moved to a new area..turned out he lived opposite.

If your not bothered don't bother. I found dating and trying was more of a hinderence.

My someone special is me. Sounds crass but my love for who I am is paramount.
It has to be someone really on the same level emotionally open and sincere to turn my head.

I’m nearly 60 and been single 5 years. I tried OLD but I didn’t like it. It just felt fake and contrived trying to engage with strangers. It was impossible to build an attraction from a photo and a few messages.

Im very comfortable single and enjoy my life and my own peace. If I meet someone organically I’d consider dating but I’m not someone who gets an instant spark of attraction without building a connection room first so it’s increasingly unlikely I’ll meet someone but I’m really ok with that. I’d rather be single than force something

I haven't found anyone I like or find attractive enough to date for about 3 years. The last guy I was seeing was my ideal man (sadly he didn't feel the same).

It seems to be since hitting peri-menopause that I've had that problem. 2 years ago I still found guys I liked. I can't even bloody flirt these days 🤦‍♀️😂.

Where are you meeting these fabulous men? And are they just fabulous on paper and not looks or personality wise? Maybe you are just not attracted to them because they aren’t so fabulous?

I am long term single, your age, and barely meet anyone I remotely find attractive and the few attractive men I have met have turned out to be narcissists who love multi dating and lying about it. Anyone I find attractive and is fabulous in real life is sadly married and has been since aged 25-30.

Hi - so I invest time in dating. I go to networking events, for business and for singles, I ask friends to set me up, I try to be approachable when I’m out, or approach guys, so this is where I mainly meet people.

God, not *all men have been fabulous. But there have been some good matches (and I may not be everyone’s cup of tea either, and that’s ok). It’s just every man I meet, I feel completely flat with them, no excitement or attraction. In short, I don’t ’admire them’ anymore.

I have a very extensive social network, go to lots of industry events and work in a male environment and I just don’t think there are fabulous single men in their 40s. That’s why I don’t feel attracted/excited!
if you don’t feel attracted then clearly you are not alone!

So it sounds like you definitely get lots of interest but you get the ick easily, do you think you actually do want someone? I realised my constant ick was because I didn't actually want a man.

I'm not surprised, it's sounds like work, and that you are recruiting for a job - tedious!

I would like someone. But it feels the time and investment I put in never creates eligible matches.

friends of mine move on quickly, I just can’t move past the dating phase, into a ‘relationship’

I think once you've been around the block a couple of times, you realise that a lot of men are a bit disappointing TBH.

I split from my kids dad about 5 years ago, and I've been waiting for 'the urge' to look for another bloke to get stronger, but whenever I think about it, and look around me at the men in my orbit at work or in general, I just think 'nahh, not worth the hassle'

If I meet someone, it'll be by chance.

It's the men sadly in this age group.
I've given up at 48 with 2 kids.
I'm lonely, but not lonely enough to settle for any man. I just don't feel attracted to any of them. Major ick
The decent, respectful and attractive men got attached in their 20s and 30s and have stayed that way.

Sounds like you've developed as a person, you're fully independent, and you've found out who you are and what you love. Many men don't develop in this rounded way - socially and emotionally. They're conditioned to focus on success, which means work, money, sport and sex, and so there are big gaps in their overall development. It really shows up by the time they're in their forties and unfortunately it often seems to mean they don't understand true connection. I really noticed it when I dated a man recently. He was successful, extremely clever and fit but there was this huge emotional/social void and he was clearly seeking a woman to do that bit for him rather than working on it inside himself.

Do you have time for a hobby like running or CrossFit (those are mine which is I’ve mentioned those hobbies but obviously there are lots). It’s a way to make good male and female friendships that can develop more naturally as you’re there for the activity. Hobbies like those I mention tend to have a big social side to them and our children have chosen to join the junior classes in both.

I very much found dates worked out like you described. I find it extremely hard to trust though. My DH and I were friends for months and I really trusted him before we got together.

Many women and men just can't stand being alone.. the ones who are always jumping from relationship to relationship are absolutely settling and lowering their standards, ignoring icks and red flags. Like a poster says most men are disappointing.

I’ve been single 13yrs, bar a 3 month brief relationship. He is the only person i’ve actually been attracted to in all that time. I am not that fussed being single, not enough to try online dating. I am 48 soon, and most men my age (ish) I don’t find that attractive. I like men with hair and that’s not that easy to find anymore!

You sound quite full of yourself OP and you e set both your standards and expectations too high.

Your second paragraph confuses me ‘ I do meet tons of fabulous men; some are Doctors, scientists, lawyers, successful businessmen, etc ‘

I don’t get why it’s so important to you to meet ‘fabulous men ‘ with highly paid professions? Do you not meet men with normal professions like insurance, property and retail?

In all fairness, and I’ll try not to be too stereotypical here, but the professions you’ve pointed out, don’t tend to be full of charismatic people, they are stressful and very professional jobs so maybe that’s where you are going wrong?

When you say you don’t find most men attractive anymore, do you mean physically or mentally? That’s quite a broad statement and I wonder if you are as heterosexual as you think?

and what do these fabulous men do to give you the ick quickly?

Hmm. Very insightful. My elderly neighbours set me up with their recently seperate son. I love them - and hoped to like him, but he wasn’t over his ex, of childhood conflict with his mum and wanted me to do that for him. I thought hell no! Would rather stay on good terms with my 79 year old neighbour than their son, so ended it as diplomatically as I could.

Turn it around.
The men who are single are looking for something they can't find also.
All the " best" ones are hooked up and not interested in them .
Why do you think the single men are not attractive?
Is it because of that psychological thing that we see loved up couples as being successful, and the ones that aren't are lacking?.
This is why infidelity is rife, you want what other people have .

Love this. Bit of a challenge to my thinking! It’s fine.

i wouldn’t say I’m ’full Of myself’. Have spend the first 3 decades very much not confident, being pushed around by society in gerenal. It’s only now in my 40s, I’m thinking for the first time “fuck yeah!”. Some call this confidence, others could say arrogance. I don’t really mind what it’s called. I just know I feel good about myself, and damn it, I’ve earned it after the hell I’ve been through.

Yes. 100% straight, I have experimented. I know 😎

you’re spot on about those white collar jobs being stressful. I like intelligent conversationalists. Haven’t had too many of those with Personal Trainers though 🤷🏽‍♀️

Not saying they don’t exist, just saying that me personally, haven’t had that yet.

Just to clarify. I don’t even find other people’s husbands good looking. Have never cheated. Would never consider it.

This is so very true. It’s clear to see with my friends that have done this. Anybody better than nobody.

I just can’t bring myself to settle. They either enhance my life or I can’t do it. I won’t ever go looking but if someone great (Ricky Gervais) comes along, great. If not, I make myself happy anyway & have great friends.

@StarDolphins Exactly 🫶🏼