Eight years single… no interest

[Glittercloud17]

I’ve been single for 8 years. I enjoy being single. Do what I want, when I want, no stress, no drama. But I would like someone…

I do meet tons of fabulous men; some are Doctors, scientists, lawyers, successful businessmen, etc but I have zero desire back. Literally everyone gives me the ick very quickly or we have a great few dates and then I’m done, and lose interest. Partly I don’t find most men attractive anymore (yes, I'm straight heterosexual female), I’m 45, look great for my age, take care of myself, run a business, single parent, rocking life, and I find no one matches me.

Before my child was born (pre pandemic, pre perimenopause) I had relationships, mainly crap ones with imbalances and toxicity. My daughter is desperate for me to settle down (her father is not in our lives), and I am trying to get out there and meet ‘the one’ but I just can’t connect with anyone emotionally. I had a happy upbringing with positive dad influence and I want that for her. I’ve done a lot of work on myself, with therapy to get to a good place, but I worry that I’m in such a good place that I don’t have space for a man to take up my time.

I really feel like giving up this time. No more speedating, apps, blind dates for example. I wouldn’t mind if it were just me. But one day when my daughter is grown, and even during that journey, I would like to share with someone ‘special’.

has this happened to you? Did you give up or keep going? Is my soulmate really out there?

OP, I feel the the same. Not attracted to men Im meeting.. Im heterosexual but often think- maybe I should switch the sides..

Conversation felt very easy and didn't require effort. His behaviour was very gentlemanly. That made him stand out. We just went for walks initially and it grew from there.

Our time together felt very present. There was no clock watching or wondering about the next conversation. No tension or stress. It was very simple and carefree. I found I was lacking that in life. To be able to just..be.

So outside of the time I dedicate to dating (which sounds like a lot but isn’t really) I work, and have some established hobbies. I do a lot of sports, and while I do keep my eyes open here, I find it hard to meet guys during sports. They seem to be very young, or married/unavailable.

I also spend a lot of time at home, I’m a single parent and run a business from home so probably 2-3 days a week I am at home working.

Oh it’s 100% me, I know! I want a partner, but it’s me who keeps batting them out of the field.

And I am proud to be ‘full of nyself’ if that’s what you want to call it. I’ve been through a lot of hurt, pain, injustice and trauma in my life; and to come out the other side feeling like I do, an Amazonian warrior, then I feel I’ve earned my position to feel super confident. You and I wouldn’t be friends in the real world ☺️

This^^

You sound dramatic and like you read into things. She already said that on paper these are guys that appear to have a lot going for them, she just hasn’t felt a spark. It’s not normal to feel a spark with loads of men, it is normal to meet that one person eventually, where there is something there. People have a low bar these days for how easily they give themselves to someone, and a lot of people seem to feel something for half the men they meet. I don’t think she’s the one with the issues.

Why shouldn't she set her standards and expectations high?

I do that too. I'm not going to settle and the next man has to be something special to be part of my life.

As for the rest of your post. A lot of sweeping assumptions.

That is my experience also @LostittoBostik. I sometimes wonder if now that my biological clock has struck midnight I am somehow much less tolerant of inadequate men and much more content as a single person than I was previously.

Post divorce I'm not looking for a relationship. Previously I've felt something was missing when I didn't have a partner. These days I feel very settled with no desire to look for a relationship. I'm looking forward to my future and don't see that involving a man.

You are a bit full of how wonderful you are. Mr Perfect often turns out to be Mr Dissapointing.

It sounds like your attraction towards people is pretty skin-deep and fairly superficial.

At the age you are, you're unlikely to find many male George Clooneys etc. But equally, you should be open to giving more people a chance - looks fade, but if finding someone is truly important to you, you might find someone you initially overlooked turns out to be a great partner once you get to know them for longer. Depends what you're really after - do you want a proper connection, or are you just being driven by lust/excitement? Is it a relationship you want, or something more casual?

Or maybe you're demisexual and only feel a strong attraction to people once you've formed an emotional connection?

Struck midnight 😅

my sex drive is super low now I’m finding. So navigating relationships without the sexual attraction is new and confusing for me. While a lot of my male friends keep their sex drive but get weirder in what they want.

we really are from Venus and they from Mars

I’m sorry it didn’t work out with him.

how was he different in the beginning though? Enough to make you develop a relationship? Were his red flags there in the beginning?

What part exactly? And is there any reason why shouldn’t like myself?

I knew him for years. He was always clearly aesthetically handsome, very charming, seemed very kind, confident, but none of that would have swept me off my feet. It was getting to know him more one to one out of our group setting. I already thought he was a great guy, but lots of conversations over many months showed we were on the same page about pretty much everything, and I just fell very hard for him, and he for me, so it seemed. The connection was very strong so developed from knowing him as part of a crowd, to intimate friend, to falling in love. Never fancied or loved someone more than I did him. Sadly he had some quite serious issues with porn, poor boundaries with women, none of which had been apparent before. We had different values in areas that were too much for me to overcome at my age, I found that he enjoyed me being a bit insecure, and he also employed gaslighting and manipulative behaviour to make me seek to please him even more. I was understanding, but then he’d push the boundaries even more. In order not to lose my temper, I wrote him a letter saying that my boundaries are clear, and if we are not on the same page, we need to end it. This letter finally made him “agree to what I wanted from a relationship”, but later I discovered he was just telling me what I wanted to hear, so I broke up with him, and never saw him again. He left me suicidal voice messages etc, but it was clear that the future would be him lying, gaslighting and semi cheating, and me riddled with insecurities always having to tel him how I should be treated- that wasn’t the future I wanted, I knew it was a dead end.

Just ignore them. I like you, you seem like a nice person who is just not connecting with anyone romantically which is normal. Don’t settle or sell yourself short, when you know there’s something there, you know

God. That must have been so hard. From
knowing he was a good guy, to him taking you to that place of darkness. Been similar once or twice. Makes me distrust men a lot and have started to wonder if I should give up. It’s for my daughter I live in hope to show her what a good man is, but it’s so hard

@Glittercloud17 l think you sound great and it's good that you are proud of your independence and high boundaries.
Sadly there aren't that many great older guys out there as all the good ones are taken or else get snapped up very quickly.
I expect the ones you describe as fabulous weren't that perfect or you'd have been interested. However If it's lack of sexual attraction due to peri then hrt an help restore your libido and might help.

@Glittercloud17 you always get people coming on to threads about dating telling you to go for people you may not find attractive or a connection with. That you should lower your standards as looks fade etc. That you're up yourself for having standards (part of me thinks it's either women who think anyone single doesn't deserve anyone attractive or men who are bitter).

It may be news to them but some women don't want to settle for someone they don't find attractive or have anything in common with. I did that when I was younger and vowed never again.

Also I believe there are great guys out there, you won't connect with all of them but then you just need the one.

Are you expecting some instant spark? I think with age and/or lower libido, that spark isn't going to happen very often at all.

These guys you meet, the good ones, have you ever thought of just spending more time with some of the people you meet? Even as friends? Maybe that will give the chance for a slow burn..

I have with some of them. But I feel it turn to platonic friendships from my side pretty quickly. One guy I tried dating for about 3 months, then the expectation of sex was cropping up. I just couldn’t go ahead with it and broke up with him.

As many have said, my sex drive is lower now, and navigating relationships without the rampant sex desire is new and confusing for me. I would love to date without sex!

And I don’t usually expect sparks, but I would like it if it meant it was a clear sign I liked them.

Ironically when I shut myself down the absolute love of my life came along in the strangest of ways !

You date for three months without having sex? No wonder it turns platonic, most men would get bored and look elsewhere.

All you can do OP is keep meeting people and hope for the best.

Wanting a perfect guy for a fabulous relationship without sex or very little is a hard ask. If you don't have intimacy it's just friendship really, which is also fine, but it's the intimacy which defines the difference between two people hanging out and two people being together.

Saying that as they age they start getting erectile issues so you might get lucky with one of those.