Eight years single… no interest

[Glittercloud17]

I’ve been single for 8 years. I enjoy being single. Do what I want, when I want, no stress, no drama. But I would like someone…

I do meet tons of fabulous men; some are Doctors, scientists, lawyers, successful businessmen, etc but I have zero desire back. Literally everyone gives me the ick very quickly or we have a great few dates and then I’m done, and lose interest. Partly I don’t find most men attractive anymore (yes, I'm straight heterosexual female), I’m 45, look great for my age, take care of myself, run a business, single parent, rocking life, and I find no one matches me.

Before my child was born (pre pandemic, pre perimenopause) I had relationships, mainly crap ones with imbalances and toxicity. My daughter is desperate for me to settle down (her father is not in our lives), and I am trying to get out there and meet ‘the one’ but I just can’t connect with anyone emotionally. I had a happy upbringing with positive dad influence and I want that for her. I’ve done a lot of work on myself, with therapy to get to a good place, but I worry that I’m in such a good place that I don’t have space for a man to take up my time.

I really feel like giving up this time. No more speedating, apps, blind dates for example. I wouldn’t mind if it were just me. But one day when my daughter is grown, and even during that journey, I would like to share with someone ‘special’.

has this happened to you? Did you give up or keep going? Is my soulmate really out there?

Sounds to me like you need to meet people in a more general way and maybe not concentrate on dating as such. Expanding your social circle and pursuing real interests is a more likely way to make proper meaningful connections and it will take away the pressure or expectations that can come with going straight to dating, particularly as you sound unsure about it all. It might be that that pressure that is blocking you from really getting to know anyone in a deeper way. I understand this as I haven't done online dating and I think i'd find it very difficult to have that expectation from the start. But the world seems to have increasingly moved that way.

It sounds like you have your life quite sorted and are a little ambivalent about someone potentially disrupting that, but are open to someone perfect sweeping you off your feet. The trouble with that is it sounds a bit like a film or a story. Any real person, soul mate or not, is likely at this age to have their own back-story or circumstances and perhaps other people in their lives that need a lot of consideration too, maybe children or ex-partners or family, that will add complexity and potential compromise. The people with no relationship or family or others to consider at all will surely be quite a small number at this age.

You describe the people you date in quite generic terms, by their job titles or "intelligent conversation". But nothing very personal or meaningful really. You find out more about people by doing things with them or getting to know them in different situations. It might also be good to see people in group settings which gives a better idea of what people are like or in settings where you actually do things together, not just date. You don't describe many interests in your post. Do you have things in your life you are passionate about? Or just interested in? This would be a start in meeting some like-minded people and it would give more subject-matter for intelligent conversation too. By meeting like-minded people you get to potentially meet their friends and friends of friends. This is also a good way of getting to know people more in the round.

Thanks. I’ve stepped away from the apps. Trying to be less focused on it and doing other things.