Eight years single… no interest

[Glittercloud17]

I’ve been single for 8 years. I enjoy being single. Do what I want, when I want, no stress, no drama. But I would like someone…

I do meet tons of fabulous men; some are Doctors, scientists, lawyers, successful businessmen, etc but I have zero desire back. Literally everyone gives me the ick very quickly or we have a great few dates and then I’m done, and lose interest. Partly I don’t find most men attractive anymore (yes, I'm straight heterosexual female), I’m 45, look great for my age, take care of myself, run a business, single parent, rocking life, and I find no one matches me.

Before my child was born (pre pandemic, pre perimenopause) I had relationships, mainly crap ones with imbalances and toxicity. My daughter is desperate for me to settle down (her father is not in our lives), and I am trying to get out there and meet ‘the one’ but I just can’t connect with anyone emotionally. I had a happy upbringing with positive dad influence and I want that for her. I’ve done a lot of work on myself, with therapy to get to a good place, but I worry that I’m in such a good place that I don’t have space for a man to take up my time.

I really feel like giving up this time. No more speedating, apps, blind dates for example. I wouldn’t mind if it were just me. But one day when my daughter is grown, and even during that journey, I would like to share with someone ‘special’.

has this happened to you? Did you give up or keep going? Is my soulmate really out there?

This is encouraging.

what felt ‘different’ when you met your DH? If you been disinterested so many times before, what was it about DH that was different? How did ‘you know’ he was boyfriend, then husband material? 🙂

I think with your dd it's a case of of 'be careful what you wish for' - of course a good stepdad would be nice, but it's difficult to negotiate that relationship and it can easily go wrong. Doesn't she have male role models in her life through family or friends?

Nothing wrong in just being single if that works for you and you're content. There's a lot to be said for it.

Yes. I do like myself now than ever before. So surely this should be a magnet for attracting the right person? My friends talk about manifesting, which I try also. Positive energy, but also this seems to not be working in attracting the right one

It’s a tough scene. In a single’s event, there could be 40-50 guys, and of that, 1 or 2 I’ll exchange numbers with, then when we have our date, it predictably ends with zero excitement by the end of the date. Go home, feeling depleted

Remember also that for some people they can feel the spark with lots of people and can get into something with surface level attraction, for others an emotional connection has to be built for any attraction to happen. The kids nowadays who have a name for everything call it being “demi sexual”, for me, it’s just normal. I have only fancied three men, and I loved all of them, and they are the only sexual partners I’ve had. I can appreciate if someone is aesthetically blessed, same as I can appreciate a sunset being beautiful, I no more fancy the person than I would fancy the sunset. This is not a bad thing, many who fancy people due to aesthetics, and then jump in, realise too late that that person is not a good match. As for personality, some people click with more people, for others they know exactly what they are looking for in a partner, and it’s a narrow field. For me for example, there are certain beliefs and values that I would need to have in a partner to feel attraction, and these values and beliefs are quite specific. If I meet someone who fulfils that criteria, It doesn’t mean that the sexual attraction will follow, and it’s hard enough for me to meet anyone that fits me personality wise.

I'm 47 and divorced. I'm peri. I'm more interested in seeking peace and quiet than going into a new relationship. I've had two boyfriends. The first turned out to be a thief. The second, whom I married, didn't treat me well. I'm very much of the mindset of, well, I tried it, I didn't like it, I'm not bothered about doing it again. Which is why I only had one child!

Maybe your person is out there, maybe not. I'm not without hope that my person IS out there, but he'd have to be pretty spectacular to catch my full attention. You might meet your person in the most random way. Who knows?

I big reason I don’t jump into relationships is her. I need to be 1000% sure he’s a good guy. And if that I haven’t been convinced yet. I’m so scared of letting her down.

we have some good male role models, but we don’t see them very often. Once every 5-10 days. My dad is fabulous, but he’s 83 so I worry about losing him.

I want ‘the right’ someone. I live in hope but it never happens. 8 years without a hint of potential. And I am meeting people, just no one special

I have to say, you're better off with no role models than substandard ones, so in that respect you could say you're fine as you are.

Haha. That made me laugh. Gotta love a head of hair!

Hi - so I invest time in dating. I go to networking events, for business and for singles, I ask friends to set me up, I try to be approachable when I’m out, or approach guys, so this is where I mainly meet people.
God, not *all men have been fabulous. But there have been some good matches (and I may not be everyone’s cup of tea either, and that’s ok). It’s just every man I meet, I feel completely flat with them, no excitement or attraction. In short, I don’t ’admire them’ anymore.

a big reason I don’t jump into relationships is her. I need to be 1000% sure he’s a good guy. And if that I haven’t been convinced yet. I’m so scared of letting her down.
we have some good male role models, but we don’t see them very often. Once every 5-10 days. My dad is fabulous, but he’s 83 so I worry about losing him.

I do think that in perimenopause we just lose any ability to tolerate bullshit and we can see through most men. That doesn't mean there isn't someone out there for you - just that to interest you he will have to be far more fascinating than the average person you meet. I'd just see it as an excellent inbuilt filter.

Love this. Bit of a challenge to my thinking! It’s fine.
i wouldn’t say I’m ’full Of myself’. Have spend the first 3 decades very much not confident, being pushed around by society in gerenal. It’s only now in my 40s, I’m thinking for the first time “fuck yeah!”. Some call this confidence, others could say arrogance. I don’t really mind what it’s called. I just know I feel good about myself, and damn it, I’ve earned it after the hell I’ve been through.
Yes. 100% straight, I have experimented. I know 😎
you’re spot on about those white collar jobs being stressful. I like intelligent conversationalists. Haven’t had too many of those with Personal Trainers though 🤷🏽‍♀️
Not saying they don’t exist, just saying that me personally, haven’t had that yet.

How is she full of herself just because she hasn’t felt attraction to someone? Attraction isn’t forced, and neither should it be. If someone is absolutely desperate for a partner I’m sure they will settle, but someone with a healthy dose of self respect would never do that, and would be utter repelled by the idea of doing so

This is encouraging.
what felt ‘different’ when you met your DH? If you been disinterested so many times before, what was it about DH that was different? How did ‘you know’ he was boyfriend, then husband material? 🙂

It not perimenopause either for those saying so. Why is it so weird to rarely be attracted to someone? For me that’s completely normal!

At these singles events, there could be 30-50 single men, of that I’ll probably go on a date with 1-2 of them. But by end of the date, I feel my enthusiasm dwindle. Go home feeling depleted! 😟

I decided to go on quite a few first dates in a year. I was new to dating. Some made it past first date. But I was on the fence about all of them.Until guy no 11 he was great from the off still dating now we met earlier this year. I think leaving to chance maybe preferable. It’s meant to be etc. Could you spend time making time for you and see what happens?

That’s great! How was he different than the others? Are you considering marriage? If so, what is it about him? ☺️

I’ve been on many dates, probably around 6-8 dates a year, so a date every 2-3 months) and all very forgettable first dates, and predictable.

He just ticked my boxes I think. Date wise -Attraction, funny, not to loud, ambition, thoughtful conversation showed an interest. We are quite similar and the connection was there from the day I met him. I wouldn’t hurry into marriage but we will see!

Ouch! When I read the OP I thought she sounded refreshingly confident and secure in her own attractiveness and worth.

Ignore that poster calling you full of yourself. They wouldn't say that to a man.

I'm 38 been single 9 years. I've took myself on a whole journey in that time. Got a degree, a good career, brought up 3 great kids and I have grown.

I am not settling. I would rather be single forever.

I find that men are just very intimidated by a woman who has her life together, especially if he has to fit in around it and isn't my be all. And no man ever will be again. My life comes first, I have a fabulous life, nobody is taking that away.

Further, I am absolutely sick of trying to have a conversation that are all one sided. People have lost the art of conversation and do not know how to ask questions! And I get bored within a message or two!

@Flapearedknave Ignore that poster calling you full of yourself. They wouldn't say that to a man.

I'm not that poster, but if I came across a man who said he dated many women but none lived up to his expectations, I would certainly think he's a complete twat.

Further, I am absolutely sick of trying to have a conversation that are all one sided. People have lost the art of conversation and do not know how to ask questions!

Isn't this complaint generally the other way round, that too many men on dates just take over the conversation and talk too much? I thought the consensus was that women can't get words in because of men talking all the time.

What are you doing other than working and dating? You'll find someone that shares a passion and then you'll admire them regardless of what they look like