Eight years single… no interest

[Glittercloud17]

I’ve been single for 8 years. I enjoy being single. Do what I want, when I want, no stress, no drama. But I would like someone…

I do meet tons of fabulous men; some are Doctors, scientists, lawyers, successful businessmen, etc but I have zero desire back. Literally everyone gives me the ick very quickly or we have a great few dates and then I’m done, and lose interest. Partly I don’t find most men attractive anymore (yes, I'm straight heterosexual female), I’m 45, look great for my age, take care of myself, run a business, single parent, rocking life, and I find no one matches me.

Before my child was born (pre pandemic, pre perimenopause) I had relationships, mainly crap ones with imbalances and toxicity. My daughter is desperate for me to settle down (her father is not in our lives), and I am trying to get out there and meet ‘the one’ but I just can’t connect with anyone emotionally. I had a happy upbringing with positive dad influence and I want that for her. I’ve done a lot of work on myself, with therapy to get to a good place, but I worry that I’m in such a good place that I don’t have space for a man to take up my time.

I really feel like giving up this time. No more speedating, apps, blind dates for example. I wouldn’t mind if it were just me. But one day when my daughter is grown, and even during that journey, I would like to share with someone ‘special’.

has this happened to you? Did you give up or keep going? Is my soulmate really out there?

Oh my god - how and where? Why did you think you’d ‘shut yourself off’ and when did you feel like you were open again? I want this

This. It seems all about job status to the OP. 🤷‍♀️

What I mean is that I am meeting intelligent guys, as well as guys with manual labour types of roles. Because if I had said the opposite, people would say ‘raise your standards’, because I said professional jobs, people say ‘lower your standards’ 😊. Difficult to articulate in a way to avoid the negative Nellie judgement! 😝

And I have said, I am attracted to intelligent men. And intelligence tends to pool around those areas. Especially where I live.

I am open to all types of jobs (or retired 😂), but it’s about a man who is intelligent and whom I can admire. I generally haven’t found this with other job (whatever ‘lower ranking’ role you might insert here).

Next time I’ll describe them by their hair colour or dick size 😂

Did you not read my post? It developed slowly, we didn’t see each other due to travel, eventually I lost interest, the guy was gagging.

Anyway, I feel like you’re the kind of person who will nit pick anything I say. So 👋🏽

3 months getting to know someone before sex is NOT a long time!! We just live in a really promiscuous society. Hence I couldn’t do dating, the expectation from someone I barely know would give me major ick.

I very rarely 'spark' with someone. I've been on countless dates with perfectly nice men (and some not so nice men) but I have desired less than 1% of them. And of that tiny proportion, only some have wanted me back...

Dating for love is just so hard, you have my sympathy.

Another problem I have is when I do spark with someone but for whatever reason it goes nowhere, I struggle to get over them quickly - I become obsessed with them for months after. This makes it harder to meet someone new as I'm still hung up on the last 'spark' guy. Basically my dating life is a shit show all round. 🙃

Could it be their age?

Women take care of themselves far better than men do, such that the average 45 year-old woman looks significantly better than the average 45 year-old man.

Try a younger pool and see if you fancy the men there more?

@Crushed23 I wish more men understood that.. women definitely look better. Yet these potato men think they are gods gift to not just women their own age but younger ones! So deluded..

Oh it is. I’m not sure how old you are but 3 months is an awfully long time with no sex / physical intimacy. It’s so easy to either fall into the friend zone or for one to get bored and move onto someone else.

Sounds like you’re asexual. Nothing wrong with finding someone similar as a partner.

I wouldn't worry about it. I understand what you were getting at. I'm hardly going to come across a man that isn't a professional as that isn't the circle I move in.

Don’t say it’s a shit show. This is my normal.

I had an excellent boyfriend years ago. He was a lovely gentleman. Even though I ended it (long story) I think about him a lot. He definitely set the benchmark for me and it’s hard to accept anything less and to find anything close to that. Ho hum

Also been single 8 years, OP. Will be 9 years in February. I don’t want a relationship until my DD is an adult (currently 9) BUT…. I miss sex. Almost 9 years without sex is soul destroying

We’re almost living the same life - only I have had sex - and continue to here and there. I may not have found Mr Right, but I do find a few Mr Right Now’s every now and then 😂

still isn’t anything to write home about these days.

I can’t even do that as I have my DD 24/7 (her Dad isn’t in her life) and I have no friends due to my lack of free time). So it’s not going to happen again for a long time, sadly. I don’t have any family who can look after her besides my elderly mum who is too old now for more than a couple of hours here & there.

One day! 🤞🏻

You sound well put together and strong. Keep doing what you’re doing. 💪🏾

OP, are you sure you're straight? Or could you be asexual?

I ask because you sound a bit disinterested in the whole thing. I don't think you should be forcing yourself to get a partner if you don't really want one.

I fancy men all the bloody time (and women sometimes too!)

Straight. I like dick. At least I did before I lost all my oestrogen

You sound fab but please don't blame this on the menopause!
No amount of oestrogen will fix the ick factor.

I’ve been on my own for 17 years. It’s a long time but you kind of get used to it. People come into your life, stay whilst they have what they need and then they are off and you dont see them. I think for the last seven of those years I couldn’t count myself as “actively looking” for as partner either.

Today i just think that i am not what woman want. There are lots of options for women who are all of the things im not. I see men competing and I just can’t behave like that. Im not promiscuous, I’m autistic, quiet and i dont particularly like loud places, but I am excellent with other peoples children.

The question i would ask is does it matter ?

@Glittercloud17 I really hear what you are saying on your post, in fact I could have written it, except my kids are bit older and they seem to like me single..and I think the reason for that is I am a better person single. The pool is really sparse post 40 and, in my experience, most men who are single at the 40s/50s age are quite difficult to connect with, have been stung in a break up/divorce, are in the theroes of a midlife crisis and generally cannot cope with a successful, independent woman.
The elusive "one" may be out there but you sound like you have good standards/boundaries, don't compromise them for the sake of being with "someone ". It sounds harsh but I feel women are so much more capable and able to function alone than many of the men I've met. .its not your responsibility to "fix" anyone or accept anything that gives you the ick.. my ick list is huge btw, but I think I should listen to it.
Enjoy yourself, I root for you like I root for my friends in the same position. X

I sound quite similar to you OP. And I do get it. I'm a single mum, have been from the start. My DD's father when I fell pregnant. I've been single for almost 10 years now. My focus was my DD, I love being a mum and I didn't want the distraction of a relationship when she was young.

Like you I got the ICK quickly when I met new guys. I find it easy attracting men but the majority of the time I walk away quickly.

I realised the issue without a doubt was ME. It took some soul searching to realise it, but the past trauma and pain was a block on my new relationships. Yes there were men I simply wasn't attracted too, but some men I did like yet didn't feel any chemistry.

I've needed to completely step away from dating altogether to get to this place.

I'm happier than ever now, I don't need a relationship and have a lovely life. But I'm ready to meet someone now. I'm not going to use apps because I like to meet people naturally. That for me is how I know I can 'feel' that connection straight away. Not from a picture. I've thought about the attributes I'm looking for rather than just the way they look, this is now more important to me.

I would suggest you stop dating for a while. It possibly sounds like you're trying to convince yourself you're happy/ready for a relationship but having been in your position it sounds more like you might not be ready just yet. You will know when you are ready because you will be at peace and you won't be writing posts like this on MN. Please don't see this as me having go...I honestly have been in your place and know exactly how you feel ❤️