Moved in with partner and I might have made a huge mistake…

[haveimadeamistake]

Moved in with my partner a month ago and I feel sick to my stomach that I’ve made a huge, huge mistake. I have a 3 and a half year old, he’s always been amazing with her but since we moved in it’s like a switch has been flipped. Some days he just won’t even acknowledge her, but others he’ll sit down and play puzzles with her or teach her things. I can’t deal with not knowing what version we’re going to get, I feel like I’m on eggshells and I hate that my daughter is getting this hot/cold treatment. He says he’s struggling to adjust to having his routine etc upended, and when I ask him if he can make more effort with her, he says that she doesn’t speak to him so why should he - she’s 3 and he’s a grown adult! To clarify, I don’t expect him to step into any sort of parenting role - I just want him to try and make an effort to make her feel welcome in her own home…

Weve had so many conversations about it, and it seems like he takes it on board but after a day or two, it’s back to how it was. I hate it. I feel like he sees her as a nuisance. I just feel like this situation isn’t what I signed up for, it’s not how he was before we moved in. Even things like his hobbies, he said he did xyz on Wednesday evenings and went to the gym after work - he’s done none of this.

I know 100% I need to put my daughter first, but I’m torn between whether that means sticking this out and giving her a beautiful home in a beautiful place (she’s just moved nursery and absolutely loves it here!) or cutting my losses and going back to it just being the 2 of us. To complicate matters further, we bought this place and I would be in no position to buy another property if we split - he paid 100% of the deposit so I have no equity in the house…

I just feel sick. I want things to get better. Also to clarify, he isn’t and never has been violent to either of us and that isn’t a concern I have. I just don’t know if he’s ever going to be able to get used to this being his new way of life!

He isn't trying imo, he's not had her around for a week and not managed to welcome her home ( it is her home as well ) and even when she's in the other room having a cry because she's hurt herself and 3 he is slamming kitchen cupboards, presumably because the 3yr old is making a noise.

He isn't being decent enough to fake it, he is actively being nasty...... to a 3yr old.

What he IS doing is behaving in a way that puts op on the backfoot, puts the onus of the atmosphere on her and a toddler. It is designed to control unwanted behaviour from people he has willingly signed up to live with.

The man is a POS and op needs to leave.

Nope, it wasn't perfect in my home at all. My dad sounds like your husband, and my mum stayed with him (50 years until he died) despite the impact that it had on us. I stand by what I said - those formative years of your daughters life when your husband was treating her like crap - must have been horrendous for her. Even if things really have worked out wonderfully now, are you really going to pretend that your daughter who was being ignored, mistreated and was acting out at school, had the happy childhood that she deserved? Or that as her mother, you should have done more to protect her? Unfortunately, as a counsellor, I hear your daughter's story a lot.

I want to say don't be rash and make any decisions too soon, but my heart breaks for your little girl really trying with him when her daddy dropped her home and him blanking her. That's so cold. Then slamming the door? She must be so confused her daddy bringing her home then this new man in her life being so mean towards her. And yes it will make her seek out his approval, poor thing.

Very insightful post, thank you

@haveimadeamistake why are you not answering HOW LONG WERE YOU WITH HIM BEFORE YOU MOVED IN?!

You know you need to move out.
Him slamming the door bc your little girl is crying is a sign of what he’s like.
If it’s any help, I had this hot/cold treatment from my parents all my childhood. It’s taken me decades to see the damage they did.
Please find somewhere to live asap. Your dd deserves a happy, consistent childhood.

Maybe because she last posted at 1903 and is now doing bedtime for a 3 year old?

Why does it matter? What’s done is done. Op feels they’ve made a mistake and is trying to work out how to fix it. That’s all we need to know.

From what you say, it sounds as though you and he are on the same page tbh, and are both feeling that this has been a mistake. As the parent of the small child involved I think the onus is probably on you to grasp the nettle and open the discussion about how you each make your tactical withdrawal. Perhaps in exchange for taking your name off the deeds of the house he couldn't have bought alone, he could provide you with a cash sum for starting over with a new rental property. You should get the ball rolling sooner rather than later really.

How is he with you? On his bad days, is he the same with you or just your DD?

Good grief your delusion is off the scale. I can only imagine the harm all of your 'working through things' has done to your dd. Total harmony you say. I am sure she will tell a very different story in a few years from now.

@haveimadeamistake , yes you have made a mistake, one that only you can rectify though, and rectify you must by getting your little one away from this abusive bastard. It takes a special kind of low life to ignore a 3 year old, slam doors because she cries, blow hot on cold on her at his whim. My god get her away from him!

Ignore those saying he may need time to adjust. Any decent adult knows to behave with kindness towards the little ones of those close. He has stepped into a position of responsibility and privilege yet treats her as if she is not even there - when the mood takes him. Do you understand how awful this is? How confusing and bewildering this is to the little girl.

Honestly, if I were your exh I would be challenging custody should you choose to stay in this relationship. I can only imagine how your dd would be treated were you to have a baby with him.

Count your losses and move on. You owe it to your innocent dc who needs you to spare her the trauma of what will most certainly follow should you stay with this man.

@haveimadeamistake a few people have asked but you haven’t answered - how long have you been together?

Did you live with him before you bought a house together?

He's displaying abusive behaviour it will only get worse You will have bigger regrets than embarrassment if you allow this to go on

Sorry, I haven’t answered the questions about how long we’ve been together - it’s been 18 months. It’s another reason why I feel embarrassed and I know I’m going to be slated for this, but I thought I was making the right decisions at the time. I know now that I wasn’t, but it doesn’t change the situation. I just need to rectify it. I don’t think I’ll move in with a man ever again after this, we were fine before on our own.

How long have you been together?

Do you work?

I would absolutely hate this but it has only been 1 month.

It is a huge adjustment for him and hopefully he’s just feeling a bit overwhelmed.

I’m not going to lie, I met a lovely man and him having a young child put me off instantly because I’ve been there and done.

I absolutely love kids but living with one is very different than just staying with one.

I would talk to him about giving him space and him not needing to parent her etc but that he has to acknowledge her when she comes home.

Be really honest and open about both seeing how it goes for the next say 3 months and then after that making a decision about whether this is going to work.

It's really not the rest of us being naive.

Men just aren’t wired to enjoy raising another man’s child.

She doesn't have any equity in the house though. He paid the deposit and fees. She just pays her share of the mortgage, which will amount to eff all after living there one month!

OP Everyone can see that you have made an honest mistake. I think people are getting wound up because they can see the harm to your daughter that will follow if you don’t get her out of this.

You must have been excited and swept away by the idea of a golden future, but you now have to deal with the reality. It’s not fair and you don’t deserve it. But it’s on you because it’s your daughter who will be hurt if you don’t.

I have a teenage daughter, and it’s such an important relationship and bond. Don’t risk it xx

ODFOD. I’ll ask what I wish.

18 months isn't terrible, it's not moving someone in straight away. I think the only mistake is not renting together first, much easier to get out of financially than a mortgage. I don't think you ever truly know someone until you live with them.
I agree with others he didn't realise how full on children are. I love my DS with all my heart but he is full on, he is inquisitive, confident, imaginative, , sociable, all sounds great but living with him can be exhausting. I can do it because he is mine and I love him in that all encompassing way. I would never date a man with children previously because I don't think I could give so much of myself and my life for someone else's child. That might make me selfish but it is what it is.
Hopefully given he also seemed to realise this was a mistake you won't get any resistance.