Moved in with partner and I might have made a huge mistake…

[haveimadeamistake]

Moved in with my partner a month ago and I feel sick to my stomach that I’ve made a huge, huge mistake. I have a 3 and a half year old, he’s always been amazing with her but since we moved in it’s like a switch has been flipped. Some days he just won’t even acknowledge her, but others he’ll sit down and play puzzles with her or teach her things. I can’t deal with not knowing what version we’re going to get, I feel like I’m on eggshells and I hate that my daughter is getting this hot/cold treatment. He says he’s struggling to adjust to having his routine etc upended, and when I ask him if he can make more effort with her, he says that she doesn’t speak to him so why should he - she’s 3 and he’s a grown adult! To clarify, I don’t expect him to step into any sort of parenting role - I just want him to try and make an effort to make her feel welcome in her own home…

Weve had so many conversations about it, and it seems like he takes it on board but after a day or two, it’s back to how it was. I hate it. I feel like he sees her as a nuisance. I just feel like this situation isn’t what I signed up for, it’s not how he was before we moved in. Even things like his hobbies, he said he did xyz on Wednesday evenings and went to the gym after work - he’s done none of this.

I know 100% I need to put my daughter first, but I’m torn between whether that means sticking this out and giving her a beautiful home in a beautiful place (she’s just moved nursery and absolutely loves it here!) or cutting my losses and going back to it just being the 2 of us. To complicate matters further, we bought this place and I would be in no position to buy another property if we split - he paid 100% of the deposit so I have no equity in the house…

I just feel sick. I want things to get better. Also to clarify, he isn’t and never has been violent to either of us and that isn’t a concern I have. I just don’t know if he’s ever going to be able to get used to this being his new way of life!

That poster really cannot see the wood for the trees, can she? Family conflict, for most people, does not involve an adult man calling an eight year old names and the mother allowing it. She reckons she didn’t allow it because she packed her bags but ultimately went back. The mind literally fucking boggles at how low her standards are for her own child.

If your own mother doesn’t even have your back at 8, who does? What a sad life.

If my husband treated our daughters like that I'd divorce his arse. Don't allow this nomark to treat your daughter like an inconvenience or nonexistent. She deserves more. You need to move out.

A month. Read the first line of the OP.

3 year olds are hard work… I imagine especially so when you’re not their biological parent, but have to make sacrifices as if you are. Having said that, if she has been away with her dad all weekend & he can’t even muster up a hello. Well it’s just doomed isn’t it? You know what op, the housing stuff and the embarrassment will all sort itself out but living like this with your daughter could have a long lasting impact. What about when she’s an older child and he feels she’s old enough to be told to fuck off? Or when she’s a teen and his saying you should kick her out? It’ll only get worse. I wouldn’t feel anything but pride for realising it wasn’t working and putting my child first tbh.

You’re wrong. You don’t know us. Please stop analysing families you don’t know.
I wouldn’t have served my daughter’s interests better if I’d immediately packed it all in and destroyed our family. Perhaps that’s what you’d have done, and if so, it doesn’t speak for you frankly.

This is just text book OP. Honestly you need to both get out of there. He wants her gone. He wants a relationship with you and you alone. Red flags are flying and you must take notice of them and make step to protect your child’s emotional and potentially physical wellbeing.

This 100%
It is very difficult for some people without children to fully appreciate the reality of living with children FT.
OP, it isn't going to help with you focussing on regret and wishing u could go back to just u and your daughter living together. You clearly love each other if you bought a home together and he paid deposit and legal fees which are very expensive.
Please have a conversation with him before making any rash decisions.
It is also important to remember that although your daughter is the centre of your world, she isn't his. I apologise if that sounds harsh but it is true and one of the challenges associated with blended families

Because any decent parent would not stay with a partner who
called their child names, in or out of that child’ s hearing. What you’ve described is not most people’s idea of normal. Or acceptable.

It seems like he is trying so I wouldn’t jump to moving out without a plan in place but I would certainly be considering my options strongly.

Sadly this is why I wouldn’t give up my stable home to move in with a man. It’s shit but the risk of ending up with nowhere to live is too high as getting a council house is near impossible to get. I keep seeing so many mums struggling in temporary accommodation on social media.

OP, won’t say how long she has known him or how long it was before moving in together. Her child is just 3 so am guessing not long.

Dont Make any rash decisions. It’s a big adjustment moving in with someone new - even without the complication of a child. Let him adjust too - it’s going to be a big change for him.

For god sake OP, please get a grip. Put your daughter first and get out of there. I would have been out the door ages ago if this was me. Fuck the fancy house. It’s meaningless.

you are so defensive so I think you do realise that you were wrong. What is more likely, everyone on mumsnet is a twat, or you behaved appallingly?

A shame you didn’t channel any of that righteous anger to protect your daughter from your abusive partner.

OP, so sorry this is happening to you and DD. She is just a trusting baby and he is a total fucking cunt. There is no fixing this. He knows what he is doing playng hot and cold with a small child, just as he knew what he was doing when he drew you in. Absolute scum.

You made a mistake love, so just unmake it. Ring your old landlord and ask if you can have your old place back when the replacement tenancy finishes, find somewhere to stay in the meanwhile, and sort out with your DP /the bank how you’re going to re-sell the house/how he’s going to take on all of the mortgage. It’s all doable, get onto it and get your happy life back just you and DD.

Probably best to stop berating @Dexter77 since it's not her thread. I think OP will pick up from the responses to that poster that it's not considered ok by most people.

'my partner takes my eight year old daughter swimming'.
My late mother police detective was on the domestic abuse unit and vice. I'm sorry but I don't usually swear but you're fucking deluded Dexter.
My DD is a trainee forensic psychologist. You are not a success story. You're playing Russian roulette. I go cold when I read your back story.
The OP has a chance to get out and should run for the hills. I feel sick to my teeth.

I’m sorry to say, you are unlikely to be able to get a council house. As the council house waiting lists are massive, and as you own a house you won’t be a priority for them. Once you sell they may accept you onto the list.

I don’t say this lightly LTB

He is and will fuck her up.

He’s a horrible man and you need to get away.

These are his true colours.