Moved in with partner and I might have made a huge mistake…

[haveimadeamistake]

Moved in with my partner a month ago and I feel sick to my stomach that I’ve made a huge, huge mistake. I have a 3 and a half year old, he’s always been amazing with her but since we moved in it’s like a switch has been flipped. Some days he just won’t even acknowledge her, but others he’ll sit down and play puzzles with her or teach her things. I can’t deal with not knowing what version we’re going to get, I feel like I’m on eggshells and I hate that my daughter is getting this hot/cold treatment. He says he’s struggling to adjust to having his routine etc upended, and when I ask him if he can make more effort with her, he says that she doesn’t speak to him so why should he - she’s 3 and he’s a grown adult! To clarify, I don’t expect him to step into any sort of parenting role - I just want him to try and make an effort to make her feel welcome in her own home…

Weve had so many conversations about it, and it seems like he takes it on board but after a day or two, it’s back to how it was. I hate it. I feel like he sees her as a nuisance. I just feel like this situation isn’t what I signed up for, it’s not how he was before we moved in. Even things like his hobbies, he said he did xyz on Wednesday evenings and went to the gym after work - he’s done none of this.

I know 100% I need to put my daughter first, but I’m torn between whether that means sticking this out and giving her a beautiful home in a beautiful place (she’s just moved nursery and absolutely loves it here!) or cutting my losses and going back to it just being the 2 of us. To complicate matters further, we bought this place and I would be in no position to buy another property if we split - he paid 100% of the deposit so I have no equity in the house…

I just feel sick. I want things to get better. Also to clarify, he isn’t and never has been violent to either of us and that isn’t a concern I have. I just don’t know if he’s ever going to be able to get used to this being his new way of life!

He's inconsistent with his emotions towards your daughter. That's going to have a big impact in her as she grows up.

I wouldn't leave her alone with him. Not saying he would hurt her but he's shown you how emotionally cold he can be towards her.

You need to get you and your daughter out of this mess.

He hates your daughter and is emotionally harming her. You can't leave him alone with your daughter he's shown you his true colours time to leave.

The existence of women like @Dexter77 genuinely terrifies me. They will tolerate anything from a man, it seems. Including the abuse of their children. How does a person get to be like that?

And she thinks it’s a success story. Terrifying.

OP this is not going to work and as you have DD, it's your responsibility to rectify it, quickly.

Do you have family that you could temporarily move in with while you sort the logistics? I assume that you have a job and your own income if you were able to get on the mortgage?

18 months isn’t bad. Don’t beat yourself up. I didn’t realise i’d made a big mistake until we moved in together. Sadly by then i was pregnant. He was never always horrible to my son, in fact he was very good to him at times, took him away to Europe 3 times just the two of them. He did make a lot of effort at times, but that doesn’t excuse poor treatment later down the line. My ex wasn’t all bad, and I know he bitterly regrets what happened, and if the 15yrs since it happened they have met up as adults and we once spent a week away together with my son’s younger siblings. If i’d have walked away when I knew what was happening it could have solved some of the worst of it. Your DD is much younger than my son was, she is hardly aware of this. Get her out now before she does get hurt

Maybe her mother taught her to tolerate abuse because it was shameful to "break up a family". The same lesson she's trying to teach her own daughter.

Hopefully as soon as her daughter is old enough to leave 'home' she will vow never to live with an abuser again.

Honestly, my stomach dropped reading your opening post.

This man is not a man you want round your daughter.

I would rather start from scratch, with nothing, than put my daughter through this.

I am in a similar boat as in I knew I’d made a mistake buying a house with my partner as soon as we got the keys as it was like a switch flipped. We had already lived together in my rented flat for 2 years before this. He is the father of my 3 year old.

I’ve been trying to get him to leave, sell or one of us buy the other out for over a year. I’m at the stage now where I’m ready to walk away with nothing that put up with his shite anymore. I’ve instructed a lawyer to intervene now as he’s not engaging at all.

I would be phoning some lawyers tomorrow if I was you and finding out your position with the house. If there’s nothing ringfenced and he’s been too lazy to sign anything, I would get in quick with legal advice and start the ball rolling to leave. Don’t let him know until you know where you stand.

Where did you move from. Your own house?

And this is why a joint mortgage can be a prison for women.

Sorry OP but it's an awful position to be in. UC reckons your share of the house as 'capital' even when you aren't living in it. He would need to buy you out of your share if you leave. If you have little equity in the property it won't be such a problem but it may cause problems for you in the future if you do leave, ever need benefits or housing benefit, and don't sort it now. Get some legal advice and good luck. It sounds as if he's used you and your income to lever his way onto the housing ladder, like a complete bastard in other words.

Leave. If his behaviour towards your daughter makes you feel so bad, imagine what it will end up doing to her. She might only be 3 but kids are incredibly perceptive especially when it comes to how people treat them and make them feel. Also, I worry that if this is how he is acting after a month, things could escalate. Doesn’t give good vibes. Better for you and your daughter to be in a safe and happy council home than a dream home of your own. Please don’t feel embarrassed at all about the situation but you must put your daughter first. The only thing you would have to be ashamed of is if you didn’t do that

It's not HIS home . It's their home . What sort of 1940's suburban claptrap book have you swallowed? Oh the man must be left in peace because heaven forbid he should make any sort of effort to make a situation work ( that the manchild clearly agreed too ) . You can't be inconsistent with kids . Also , where did the OP sound like she wasn't a present parent ? If you enter a partnership with a child surely that's a package deal - not just - I want you and I will talk to the kid when I want bullshit The OP is referencing the fact he ignores her and walks off an other times doesn't and she doesn't know what it's going to be like from one moment to the next . I couldn't stand that for myself but I would have zero tolerance to this tool acting like a total brat . I would rent a nice cosy little place again for the two of you so you can breathe and feel safe without this adult baby sucking the joy out of it all because little lord fontleroy wants everything to be in line with whatever mood he's in at that given time . It's not his child which is a good thing then it's easier to leave . There's plenty of posters on here saying that fathers can be the same so at least it would be a clean deal where that is concerned

I totally get the embarrassment OP, my first marriage went pear shaped really quickly and I was mortified. I felt like a failure

It’s a red flag that you don’t want him to be a step parent. I grew up in a household where my mums partner wasn’t pressured to become a step parent and let me tell you, it fucking sucks and as the child in this situation you start to feel really resented by the other adult in the house.

If everyone you meet is an arsehole, chances are that you’re the arsehole.

You’ve made a mistake but it’s fixable. It sounds like he doesn’t really want to parent another man’s child. If you have children together he will treat them differently and your daughter will feel it. Protect her now !

In my opinion, your daughter will admire you all the more as she gets older, for the tough decisions you made to protect her when she was little.
He sounds very childish and his behaviour is concerning.
Is he reasonable? Could you have a chat about this all and say you think you've made a mistake and that it might be best to live separately. If he isn't, then that is a red flag in itself.
Please don't give yourself a hard time about any of this. Just move swiftly and you will look back on it as a smart move that you made, getting out.

Don't blame yourself, OP. You thought he'd be good with her as he was on previous occasions.
Yes, take the advice of others, but don't be too harsh on yourself. xxx

I actually missed this. He called your child names TO YOU, and you stayed? Jesus Christ.

Or an abused child. Abused children often attract abusers.

Pack your stuff, take your daughter and get out of there.

I think if you have a 3 and a half year old to have a serious live in relationship they have to step into a parenting role? I can't see how it would work any other way personally

Will you answer Op or too much of a reality?

Why is there so much criticism for @Dexter77??

It just sounds like she worked things out and, as a PP said, men are never very good with children who aren't their own.

You don't need to be so fucking nasty,