Moved in with partner and I might have made a huge mistake…

[haveimadeamistake]

Moved in with my partner a month ago and I feel sick to my stomach that I’ve made a huge, huge mistake. I have a 3 and a half year old, he’s always been amazing with her but since we moved in it’s like a switch has been flipped. Some days he just won’t even acknowledge her, but others he’ll sit down and play puzzles with her or teach her things. I can’t deal with not knowing what version we’re going to get, I feel like I’m on eggshells and I hate that my daughter is getting this hot/cold treatment. He says he’s struggling to adjust to having his routine etc upended, and when I ask him if he can make more effort with her, he says that she doesn’t speak to him so why should he - she’s 3 and he’s a grown adult! To clarify, I don’t expect him to step into any sort of parenting role - I just want him to try and make an effort to make her feel welcome in her own home…

Weve had so many conversations about it, and it seems like he takes it on board but after a day or two, it’s back to how it was. I hate it. I feel like he sees her as a nuisance. I just feel like this situation isn’t what I signed up for, it’s not how he was before we moved in. Even things like his hobbies, he said he did xyz on Wednesday evenings and went to the gym after work - he’s done none of this.

I know 100% I need to put my daughter first, but I’m torn between whether that means sticking this out and giving her a beautiful home in a beautiful place (she’s just moved nursery and absolutely loves it here!) or cutting my losses and going back to it just being the 2 of us. To complicate matters further, we bought this place and I would be in no position to buy another property if we split - he paid 100% of the deposit so I have no equity in the house…

I just feel sick. I want things to get better. Also to clarify, he isn’t and never has been violent to either of us and that isn’t a concern I have. I just don’t know if he’s ever going to be able to get used to this being his new way of life!

I assume everything in your family has always been perfect then, has it? Nobody ever hurt anyone’s feelings I’m sure, nobody ever called anyone anything, all butterflies and rainbows…

You don’t need to doubt me when I say everything has worked out great after a bumpy start. What happened in our family was probably quite normal, if unpleasant.
So yes, it is a success story, even if that provokes you for some reason.

My daughter doesn’t appease him at all, they now understand each other and we’ve settled in as a family. To expect something like this to happen without any conflict overnight would be ludicrous.

My parents were and remain married and we had periods of conflict, should I have run away from home in your view? Really bizarre, these takes.

I'd pull the plug now. You've fallen in love with a nice house and a fantasy of what your family would be like.

Unless the mortgage provider will allow you to remove yourself from the mortgage and the title deeds, you will have to sell the house. If he won't sell the sale can be forced. It just takes a bit of time.

Better to be 'embarrassed' now than accept him emotionally abusing your daughter. She needs to feel safe.

Oh what a nightmare. Inconsistency is no way to be with a child. I think I’d tell hom
very clearly what is needed and then set a time frame in your head. 2 weeks, 3 weeks?

So how long have you known him since you seem to be dodging that question? And how much time did he actually spend with your child before you moved in with him? Three year olds are hard work - and honestly after a long day at work sometimes I want peace from my own kids. Seems like hon are expecting some fairytale here where he swoops in like a replacement daddy and you live happy every after ...except the reality is she isn't his child and he is isn't her father and actually living with a child who you aren't related to is bloody hard at the best of times (it's hard when you are related to them!)

@YourWildAmberSloth thank you for your reflection on the PP comments.

@Dexter77 dear God, you don't know any police do you? I'm horrified.

I have been married a very long time and no way would any man come before a child of mine.
The bar is set very low on these threads.

You don’t need to feel sorry for her, she has a very happy little existence now, as I’ve made clear. See various posts above. I’m astonished how many of you just… seem to be totally naive and not capable of understanding that family conflict is normal and doesn’t have to be the end of the world.

It doesn't sound like you were with him very long if you child is 3 1/2.
Don't stay and prolng the agony.
Your child should be your first priority.Its not going to get better,in fact it'll get worse as your DC grow.

At least you've no kids for him.

I really really don’t think my failures (none of them involve kids) are as huge as yours. Not a single other poster is telling you made a good parenting decision here. In fact, most people are appalled. Surely that tells you something.

No one is naive here @Dexter77 except you.

Takes me back 20yrs. My ex could be amazing with my son, then he wouldn’t speak to him for days on end. It ended badly, everyone got hurt, but especially my son. I still think about what happened most days. It thankfully hasn’t affected the wonderful relationship I have with my adult son, but it could have. Get rid of him, he won’t change. It will get worse.

OP they say you never really know someone until you live with them. Now the mask is slipping he's showing he has a temper. I would be doing a Claire's law on him.

How long have you been together?

Unfortunately, he sees your child as a necessary nuisance which comes with your body.
(Not mine, some wise person once said this).

You and your daughter deserve better.

On the other hand, I think it was always going to be difficult.
Most men are not cut to be stepparents
(and I wouldn't be either).

Seems like you had the ideal setup before him. 🙁

Your DP sounds very much like how my own biological father behaved towards me. He blew hot and cold in the way he interacted with me, it has left me with lifelong insecurities in all relationships.
I have fond memories of the good times with him, but they were always on his own terms, and I learned to behave towards him in the ways he would then reward me with his attention. It’s no way to bring up an emotionally secure child, they need unconditional love and consistent attention in order to form healthy relationships as an adult

I would be interested to hear your daughter’s version of events. She’s learned to play the game by the sound of things. You certainly did not protect her on your own admission.

Plenty of people stay in terrible relationships, that’s not a badge of success you know .

I wouldn't consider a grown man bullying and alienating an 8yr old girl family conflict @Dexter77, that is just abuse, she's likely learnt to appease him, that attachment is probably not secure nor healthy.

🚩

I’m lashing out? I’m just rejecting the accusations and wrong, superficial judgments of strangers. It’s not child abuse to have an initially frosty relationship with your step father. It wasn’t nice, I’ve made that clear.
She doesn’t even know he called her names on one occasion, it was in conversation with me. We worked it out, everyone’s found their place in the family and is happy now, why is that so hard to accept?

It was madness to buy a place with someone you'd never lived with before especially when there's a child in the mix. I agree with a pp that you were probably just what he needed to be able to get a mortgage and now he's got that he doesn't need to make the effort with your dd any more.

He's played you for a fool OP and you've been swept along by the idea of owning your own lovely home. I really sorry it's all fallen apart but you do need to put your child first now and leave this immature, emotionally abusive man.

If you can talk about it and agree its not working maybe he can be the one to move out while you’re selling up and looking for somewhere else? I know he paid the deposit but you are both paying the mortgage. It would be a decent thing to do as there’s a young child involved?

Assume not very long due to how this question is being avoided.