Moved in with partner and I might have made a huge mistake…

[haveimadeamistake]

Moved in with my partner a month ago and I feel sick to my stomach that I’ve made a huge, huge mistake. I have a 3 and a half year old, he’s always been amazing with her but since we moved in it’s like a switch has been flipped. Some days he just won’t even acknowledge her, but others he’ll sit down and play puzzles with her or teach her things. I can’t deal with not knowing what version we’re going to get, I feel like I’m on eggshells and I hate that my daughter is getting this hot/cold treatment. He says he’s struggling to adjust to having his routine etc upended, and when I ask him if he can make more effort with her, he says that she doesn’t speak to him so why should he - she’s 3 and he’s a grown adult! To clarify, I don’t expect him to step into any sort of parenting role - I just want him to try and make an effort to make her feel welcome in her own home…

Weve had so many conversations about it, and it seems like he takes it on board but after a day or two, it’s back to how it was. I hate it. I feel like he sees her as a nuisance. I just feel like this situation isn’t what I signed up for, it’s not how he was before we moved in. Even things like his hobbies, he said he did xyz on Wednesday evenings and went to the gym after work - he’s done none of this.

I know 100% I need to put my daughter first, but I’m torn between whether that means sticking this out and giving her a beautiful home in a beautiful place (she’s just moved nursery and absolutely loves it here!) or cutting my losses and going back to it just being the 2 of us. To complicate matters further, we bought this place and I would be in no position to buy another property if we split - he paid 100% of the deposit so I have no equity in the house…

I just feel sick. I want things to get better. Also to clarify, he isn’t and never has been violent to either of us and that isn’t a concern I have. I just don’t know if he’s ever going to be able to get used to this being his new way of life!

I think he's a variety of 'future faker' - the idea of living with your daughter was a nice one to him, hence the whole talk about getting her room ready beforehand - but the reality hasn't lived up to the idea, hence the whinging about having to put her furniture together.

He probably thought living with your daughter would be like living with a cat - it goes off and does it's own thing most of the time, but is there for cuddles and interaction once in a while. When it's off doing it's own thing you can basically ignore it and get on with your life.

At least you have the sense to realise when you've made a mistake and do something about it - my narc mother made a similar bad move when I was 9, involving moving to what was then called a Third World country with myself and my two brothers (my younger brother was only 6) for my father's work. Like you, she realised almost immediately that it wasn't going to work...but she couldn't cope with the idea of having to go back and tell family, friends etc that she'd made a mistake. So she fucked up another decade of our childhood instead. It's a long story. I will never forgive her for the poor, selfish choices she made then.

You're absolutely not a failure. You are prioritising your DD and dealing with a problem in a mature way. Give yourself a pat on the back.

In a few years' time you'll look back on this and be grateful, I am sure.

I hope you have a lovely Christmas with your DD and parents.

I'm aware of that, but would he have benefited from her being a first timer is the question? Via a better rate etc..

@Raineys op said he paid extra for it being a second property, so no.
Looks like it was just a sad situation for everyone, maybe his bereavement has affected him, maybe his expectations were too far from reality.

Seems to be a case of a mistake rather than a cynical taking of advantage.

Op, so glad you at least don't have doubts about this being the right choice, as hard as it is, it would be harder if you weren't sure.

But I'm so sorry you're having to deal with the evaporation of the foundation you thought you had / were building.

That's really hard.
It's a big change in circumstances and of course that's a gut punch, I would feel the same.

Easy to say it's the right thing you are doing, and though that's true, it's different to be the person living it.
I hope this chapter progresses and closes with your outlook and living situation being one you can be happy with.

Wishing you all the best for a bright future op. You're a fab mum and you and your dd deserve some security and comfort.

Agree, that's an abysmal way to behave.

Based on op's posts only (of course), it seems a case of inadequacy rather than malice, which of course makes no difference to the child who will be affected as the same.
But motive matters for op as she is the one who will be left trying to unpick what happened and work out how she can spot these things in any future partners.

@FreeRider I think that's exactly the case- he quite liked the idea in theory but it's not quite what he thought it would be and both got carried away with idea of a nice home- which in these days of struggling to buy anywhere half decent on your own is easily understood

He’s acting like everything is fine. I feel awful. I’ve just managed to secure a lovely little rental property from January, it’s perfect for DD and I. I just don’t know how to even tell him and how I get through another 6 weeks once I do. I need to tell him ASAP so we can sort the mortgage out and see if he can take it over himself or if we’re looking at selling. What a mess.

You’ve done the right thing OP. You’ve also been very brave to do it too for the sake of your DD. Be proud of yourself.

This is great news- the rental, I mean.

how did the conversation go when you last said how unhappy you were? Has his behaviour improved?

@AlertCat he has been a lot better, but we only had the discussion on Saturday so it’s still such early days. He’s been great with DD since, but it’s almost making me feel like it’s forced if that makes sense, and I’m just on edge waiting for him to be fed up of her again.

It’s not even just how he is with DD now though, I feel like I’ve just completely gone off him and the tiniest things he does are making my skin crawl. :(

That’s understandable. And tbh when it does slip again you will have your ready-made reason.

It's shocking really.

As of OP should just sit there waiting for him to 'mature' or put up and shut up because she owes him for getting her on the property ladder or she's caused him such financial issues.

This is the kind of BS and judgement that encourages women to stay in shit situations 😒.

Well done OP.

Can you move out earlier? Maybe to your parents over Christmas and New Year?

💐

To him, you are 'back in your box' so everything is fine.

So happy you've gotten a rental!

As far as telling him, only you know how he'll react. If you feel any sense of 'danger', I'd wait til you walk out the door with your cases in hand. If you feel he'll demand you leave, wait until you've made arrangements/gathered funds for that like being able to go to your parent's or a hotel immediately.

If you feel he won't turn nasty, first research exactly what it will take to get yourself off the mortgage (if you haven't already) and then tell him ASAP exactly what needs to be done and be ready to push push push until he does it.

I'm not sure about the UK, but if you were in the US I'd tell you to refuse to take your name off the property until he does what needs to be done because if you do that, you lose any leverage you may have. In the US if you're on the deeds you can force a sale legally but once you're off the deeds, you can't. I'd assume it's the same in the UK, but you never know. It actually may be worth getting legal advice right away to find out about what's entailed in forcing the sale. Knowledge is power and good legal advice is worth its weight in gold.

Oh well done on getting the rental.Is it still convenient for nursery

Any cousins or siblings that you and DD can visit in the next few weekends?

I'm glad you're leaving. It's disgusting the way he's treated your child. Who does that to a 3yo. And you basically had to threaten and force him into being a decent person to her. Don't be embarrassed. That's life, you live and learn and life goes on. You wouldn't be the first person to make a mistake, so don't let that hold you back. If anything be proud of yourself that you are the type of mother that will fight hard for your child. Leaving a new home because your child is your priority isn't something to be ashamed about. Horrible man. Good luck to you.

That is brilliant news re the new rental !

and you have already decided / agreed re Christmas ' we’re going to do separate Christmases ' which is a huge help ! and i guess you can run Christmas into / onto New Year.

It's only a few weekends until Christmas, maybe you will be seeing a lot of your parents ?

Aww op well done, could you possibly rent an airbub until your rental date maybe, agree with others to tell on your way out or wait till you have gone and leave a note maybe, hold on tho, your doing the right for you and daughter, stay strong 💪

Just came back to the thread and seen how things have moved on for you.

Huge congratulations on securing a rental- that’s great news!

onwards.

I think you're making the right choice. It's the lying that would decide it for me. He presented a false version of himself, which meant you were making major life choices based on inaccurate information. How can you trust his future promises and know where you stand.

I hope the next few weeks go smoothly.