Moved in with partner and I might have made a huge mistake…

[haveimadeamistake]

Moved in with my partner a month ago and I feel sick to my stomach that I’ve made a huge, huge mistake. I have a 3 and a half year old, he’s always been amazing with her but since we moved in it’s like a switch has been flipped. Some days he just won’t even acknowledge her, but others he’ll sit down and play puzzles with her or teach her things. I can’t deal with not knowing what version we’re going to get, I feel like I’m on eggshells and I hate that my daughter is getting this hot/cold treatment. He says he’s struggling to adjust to having his routine etc upended, and when I ask him if he can make more effort with her, he says that she doesn’t speak to him so why should he - she’s 3 and he’s a grown adult! To clarify, I don’t expect him to step into any sort of parenting role - I just want him to try and make an effort to make her feel welcome in her own home…

Weve had so many conversations about it, and it seems like he takes it on board but after a day or two, it’s back to how it was. I hate it. I feel like he sees her as a nuisance. I just feel like this situation isn’t what I signed up for, it’s not how he was before we moved in. Even things like his hobbies, he said he did xyz on Wednesday evenings and went to the gym after work - he’s done none of this.

I know 100% I need to put my daughter first, but I’m torn between whether that means sticking this out and giving her a beautiful home in a beautiful place (she’s just moved nursery and absolutely loves it here!) or cutting my losses and going back to it just being the 2 of us. To complicate matters further, we bought this place and I would be in no position to buy another property if we split - he paid 100% of the deposit so I have no equity in the house…

I just feel sick. I want things to get better. Also to clarify, he isn’t and never has been violent to either of us and that isn’t a concern I have. I just don’t know if he’s ever going to be able to get used to this being his new way of life!

Even women who can afford to have their own place are doomed to live with shitty men who want mummies

Best of luck OP

Depressingly accurate

Are you for real? What a ridiculous thing to say. OP take no notice of this

@haveimadeamistake

Best of luck to you and DD. Thinking good thoughts for a good outcome.

You’re starting to sound really miserable OP, can you find anything else to complain about. It’s no doubt been a massive change for him too and in your eagerness to get into your beautiful home you’ve put him in a very dodgy position financially.

What a horrible post. If you don’t think OP is worth helping, just don’t post.

It’s not horrible, there are two sides to every story and I’m just saying it must be totally disappointing for him too, I doubt if this is the outcome he wanted or expected either, what’s wrong with that?
I think they’ve both rushed into something very permanent without thinking it through and are now both facing a massive upheaval.

Oh shut up

I'm not on many threads at the moment. One of them's all about blaming women for men's infidelity, now this one's blaming a woman for a man's poor decision-making 🙄

Poor chaps, no minds of their own!

This post’s language about they have both is very different to your first post blaming OP and asking is she can find anything else to complain about; can’t you see that?

*how they have both rushed into it

Well as far as I can see they hadn’t exactly tried living together before buying a house together.

Correct. Which is why your second post about how they both rushed into it was actually reasonable, and your first post which blamed OP for causing him financial issues and complained about her complaining was not.

Hope that’s cleared it up for you now.

But you’re overlooking the crux of the issue - his cruel treatment of her three-year-old child. Yes, he probably is disappointed but that doesn’t excuse his behaviour. So your post telling OP she’s moaning is therefore horrible.

I’ve spoken to my parents. They’d picked up on his behaviour towards DD too, and were really supportive in me leaving. I’ve also spoken to DP, we’re going to do separate Christmases and he said he’s going to make more of an effort with DD. He seemed genuine but in my gut, I’m done. It’s too little too late and I can’t see him the same way anymore.

I just feel like such a failure. I’m in my 30s and going back to renting feels like such a backwards step. I know it’s the right thing to do, I’m not trying to say owning a house is more important than my DD and I’s happiness by any means. It’s just so disappointing. The cost of rent means I’ll be in a really poor position to be able to save for a deposit going forward, and I’ve lost my first time buyer status. Just feeling really deflated.

You’ve been really brave, @haveimadeamistake well done. It’s a horrible feeling but the first step to the better life is admitting the mistake- and I’m sure the better life is ahead of you. FWIW a lot of people in my area live on boats rather than renting, and there is a thriving community.

Good luck going forward. You never know what will happen.

Well done, @haveimadeamistake - that must have been a tough conversation and I am so glad your parents are supportive

I am relieved your parents had picked up on it too.

Moving back into rented doesn't change your position at all as it was him that paid the deposit and all the fees etc.

You have proved tho that you are eligible for a mortgage which is good.

Maybe one day you could consider shared ownership through social housing, it is something you could look into, yes I know it's mortgage and rent to be paid but these properties are priced lower than the market value of a non social housing property - tho of course the resale in the future reflects that.

You are not a failure. To be a failure would mean ignoring the treatment of your daughter which you are not doing. Other people have picked up on his treatment of your daughter and you are doing the BRAVE thing by not putting up with it. It will be ok OP and your darling daughter will thank you for this one day.

You’ve modelled the behaviour of admitting when something doesn’t work, and taking steps to fix it. You’ve prioritised her wellbeing.
That’s worth more.

I think you are very brave.
Of course you are very disappointed.
Probably unlikely but would you enquire about the first time buyer status under your circumstances if the house is going to be sold.
Did he benefit from your first time status in the buying of this house?
Were you duped by him, as he was so different before?

Well done. Glad your parents have confirmed what you know and that you have their support. They must have been so anxious observing what was happening.

Have a good Christmas and don't expect him to become a magical new person for new year. That doesn't happen. Keep your head screwed on.

The STBXP already owned a house which he rents out.