Moved in with partner and I might have made a huge mistake…

[haveimadeamistake]

Moved in with my partner a month ago and I feel sick to my stomach that I’ve made a huge, huge mistake. I have a 3 and a half year old, he’s always been amazing with her but since we moved in it’s like a switch has been flipped. Some days he just won’t even acknowledge her, but others he’ll sit down and play puzzles with her or teach her things. I can’t deal with not knowing what version we’re going to get, I feel like I’m on eggshells and I hate that my daughter is getting this hot/cold treatment. He says he’s struggling to adjust to having his routine etc upended, and when I ask him if he can make more effort with her, he says that she doesn’t speak to him so why should he - she’s 3 and he’s a grown adult! To clarify, I don’t expect him to step into any sort of parenting role - I just want him to try and make an effort to make her feel welcome in her own home…

Weve had so many conversations about it, and it seems like he takes it on board but after a day or two, it’s back to how it was. I hate it. I feel like he sees her as a nuisance. I just feel like this situation isn’t what I signed up for, it’s not how he was before we moved in. Even things like his hobbies, he said he did xyz on Wednesday evenings and went to the gym after work - he’s done none of this.

I know 100% I need to put my daughter first, but I’m torn between whether that means sticking this out and giving her a beautiful home in a beautiful place (she’s just moved nursery and absolutely loves it here!) or cutting my losses and going back to it just being the 2 of us. To complicate matters further, we bought this place and I would be in no position to buy another property if we split - he paid 100% of the deposit so I have no equity in the house…

I just feel sick. I want things to get better. Also to clarify, he isn’t and never has been violent to either of us and that isn’t a concern I have. I just don’t know if he’s ever going to be able to get used to this being his new way of life!

"your toddler is being seriously bullied by a quite frankly psychotic sounding boyfriend"

That's an awful thing to have invented and an insult to the OP.
I'm sure if she thought such a thing about her partner, she would have removed her daughter in a heartbeat.

As it is, she has never mentioned that he's a "psychotic bully."

Well said @PiggyPigalle

Me too 😅😅

@Bibi12 totally agree- I'm sure plenty of mumsnetters have lived with guys and husbands who had arsey but not threatening behaviour and quietly went about things making plans to exit the situation without fleeing that minute with no forward plans whatsoever !

HTH - really? Grow up.

Touchy, much?

It's goady and you know fine well it's goady.

But implying that MNHQ are suppressing a discussion because they are deleting personal attacks is...what would you say that was?

Anyway, as with Rose, I have no desire to interact with you further @Tropicana46 . Have a good day.

Oh, I see that all of RoseJoker's posts have now been deleted.

Well, colour me shocked. I wonder if the hand of a PBP was at work here.

You may not agree with my comments but I fail to see how they are goady.

You, on the other hand:

"[shrug]"
"HTH"
"Well, colour me shocked"

Patronising, rude and goady. And if you didn't want to interact with me you could have just not replied but you clearly just want the last word.

Hope you are doing OK today @haveimadeamistake

@SheilaFentiman thanks. I’m okay. He’s been better with DD, but we haven’t been getting along great. I think the whole situation has just put me off him. I’m going to stay at my parents this weekend and take it from there.

I am not surprised that it has put you off him. I am glad you can stay with your parents, hopefully they will be supportive.

@haveimadeamistake I thinks it's the lies this early on that would have put me off rather than the fact he's not stepped up well to parenting - I can kind of excuse that on the 'it's new to him front' - the blatant lies- not so much- that's part of his personality . I lived with a Walter Mitty for 3 years- I was always on edge as if to what he was telling me was a pile of horse poo

I'm wishing you well OP

@Crikeyalmighty yeah, it’s absolutely the lies as well and the fact that I feel the person I’m living with isn’t who I signed up for. Even around the house, he hasn’t been doing the things he said he would. I’d lived alone for so long prior to this which probably doesn’t help! Feel like every little thing is just grating on me. I’m really hoping he can just find a way to take the mortgage over himself as it seems like the simplest way out at this point.

I can understand from everything you have said, and also your latest posts, how this really is not working out.

It's good that you can see clearly where you are at with this and are not just trying to muddle through ignoring the warning signs.

This should be the exciting new "honeymoon" phase and it really is not is it? He is showing you now clearly the person he is and it isn't the person you thought he was.

But as you have said, he does have another property and perhaps some wiggle room to financially sort things out for the future to take over the mortgage himself.

I hope you can find a way out of all of this soon and discussing things through with your parents this weekend may help you find a pathway through it all.

' he can just find a way to take the mortgage over himself '

is he making enquiries into this ?
it may be he will need to sell his other property - and if it has tenants in it he will need to give them notice.

does he actually realise / been told it's over ?

Do you mean small DIY jobs around the house? If so, it is your house too, could you do some?
He stumped up all that money and you are now on the housing ladder free of charge. That opportunity doesn't come to many.

Not saying stay, as only you know what is best.

@PiggyPigalle no, I don’t mean small DIY jobs around the house. I mean the day to day things that come with running a house. I don’t think the fact that he paid the deposit means he gets to sit back and do fuck all now, does it?

Thanks for all the support, I’m probably not going to post much more now but I do appreciate all of the kind messages. 💖

She's contributing 50:50 to the mortgage whilst she is still a co owner... and she's not really on the housing ladder, as they will either sell it if they break up or he will "buy her out"

Good luck!

I think very much that whilst new houses, weddings, pregnancies etc can be real high spots in a relationship that is fundamentally really good, they are often used in relationships to brighten things up when there would have been a natural splitting up along the line, particularly when one partner is very keen to have that conventional 'set up' - and it's often when people rush into things to without having known someone for a long time or lived with someone for quite a while. I think that's what has happened here and you won't be the first OP to have 'buyers remorse'. - I think the important thing is that you do what works best 'for you and your daughter' not what works best for people with an agenda on here who aren't in your shoes. X

Day to day things. Words are cheap actions cost more.

Sounds like you've decided.

Have a nice weekend, a lovely Christmas and I hope it all comes good for you and your little girl. Best wishes.