Moved in with partner and I might have made a huge mistake…

[haveimadeamistake]

Moved in with my partner a month ago and I feel sick to my stomach that I’ve made a huge, huge mistake. I have a 3 and a half year old, he’s always been amazing with her but since we moved in it’s like a switch has been flipped. Some days he just won’t even acknowledge her, but others he’ll sit down and play puzzles with her or teach her things. I can’t deal with not knowing what version we’re going to get, I feel like I’m on eggshells and I hate that my daughter is getting this hot/cold treatment. He says he’s struggling to adjust to having his routine etc upended, and when I ask him if he can make more effort with her, he says that she doesn’t speak to him so why should he - she’s 3 and he’s a grown adult! To clarify, I don’t expect him to step into any sort of parenting role - I just want him to try and make an effort to make her feel welcome in her own home…

Weve had so many conversations about it, and it seems like he takes it on board but after a day or two, it’s back to how it was. I hate it. I feel like he sees her as a nuisance. I just feel like this situation isn’t what I signed up for, it’s not how he was before we moved in. Even things like his hobbies, he said he did xyz on Wednesday evenings and went to the gym after work - he’s done none of this.

I know 100% I need to put my daughter first, but I’m torn between whether that means sticking this out and giving her a beautiful home in a beautiful place (she’s just moved nursery and absolutely loves it here!) or cutting my losses and going back to it just being the 2 of us. To complicate matters further, we bought this place and I would be in no position to buy another property if we split - he paid 100% of the deposit so I have no equity in the house…

I just feel sick. I want things to get better. Also to clarify, he isn’t and never has been violent to either of us and that isn’t a concern I have. I just don’t know if he’s ever going to be able to get used to this being his new way of life!

She’d have been told that she is jointly liable for the mortgage for its full term unless it is repaid early or the bank releases her.
And that none of what she has described would entitle her to apply for a non molestation order as it does not sound abusive.
She can compel her boyfriend to sell if he won’t agree but she will be jointly liable for the fees of the sale as well as early penalties for the mortgage and they can’t sell in first 6 months anyway due to the mortgage.
She is unlikely to get a rental until she sells because of the impact of the mortgage on her income.

Especially as - now I look back - you were the poster who wrote “and? what did the solicitor stay?” early evening yesterday. As if you get to dictate how OP posts on this thread.

I wouldn’t answer a question from someone who spoke to me like that on principle, TBH.

And also she said that her friend was a solicitor not that she was seeking legal advice and why the hell should she tell everyone the details of her private conversations?

Smart post, @Startinganew32

Yeah but it she did also say it was her friend. Anyway what magic advice would you imagine that a solicitor could give in this situation?

Entirely likely that the friend doesn’t live near enough to OP that DD would still be able to go to nursery and OP to work from her place. Also entirely likely that the friend doesn’t have a spare room.

I do wish people would have some idea of practicalities before they post.

The DD is not being seriously bullied by a psychotic boyfriend, IMO.I appreciate that suits your sense of drama, though.

OP needs to leave, because the guy is a self absorbed liar who is not capable of being a step parent, but there are ways of leaving that may be more harmful to DD than taking a little time to get the next steps right.

I won’t engage with you and your confrontationtial and unpleasant hyperbole further, Rose. Have a good day.

@Katbum has made one of the most insightful responses to the OP on here...and is being vilified for it.

I've been on this forum for almost a decade now, and this post has attracted some sort of sub-prime mob of the kind I've never seen before.

Be warned OP...

Yes although that could involve them living with you for a year or so until the house is sold. She wouldn’t be entitled to housing due to being voluntarily homeless and she’d likely fail a reference check due to her mortgage liability.
I appreciate the concern for the child but it doesn’t sound like she’s being bullied and I can’t see it passing any test for abuse. On the plus side she has her mum, a nursery she loves and a roof over her head.
I wouldn’t be taking the OP and her child in in these circumstances as I don’t have the room and wouldn’t be able to offer accommodation for that length of time. But maybe she has friends who would which would make it an option.

And if it was my best friend I’d be sympathetic and say that it doesn’t sound great and encourage her to talk to her DP and think about which solution seems best - either sale of the property or him selling his other property and transferring the current one to his sole name. But I wouldn’t say she needs to immediately leave unless she has somewhere to go. It’s her and her daughter’s house too. Bf seems like a knob but not violent or anything and it also sounds like he’s okay with the relationship ending.

@Startinganew32 and few others..totally nailed it. Exactly what i was trying to say yesterday as well.

@RoseJoker it is both of their homes - including the boyfriend- who paid for it initially. it isn't working out it seems ,but there are ways to do this and being on the premises means things can get signed over/sold in an orderly way - there are plenty of children living with birth parents who are moody/uncommunicative/ not very child centric - it's not just a step parent thing - I agree it's not great but she has her mum with her and it isn't something you rush to put yourself in a poor position for - you look at your options and make plans in an orderly way - if the OP or child was being subjected to physical abuse, being deprived of money and many other reasons that put them in danger then yes it's imperative that one or the other moves out - but that doesn't appear to be the case - things just 'not working out' - doesn't make it a situation where you can actually call it abuse and get them out ! And as to you asking the other poster if she had children - many of us do have children that don't agree with you - and it's because we do care that we don't just rush out the door with no plans. if not in danger we would resolve a situation in a timely way for the best for all concerned- and if that includes living with a moody arse for 6 months- then so be it- being monosyllabic to a child on occasions to me is just being a disinterested tit , it's not abusive- how many on here have lived with similar husbands (and with kids ) for a very good while before being in a situation to move on? A great many I reckon- Personally I favour a calm cool approach rather than the Eastenders style of dramatics favoured by some on here who seem to think a simple call to woman's aid solves it all and wham a nice new HA place just appears. I suspect many who post such nonsense are either in very secure relationship situations who do have family and friends they can call on or actually are single parents with secure housing from a good while ago and have no idea how difficult renting is now in many parts of the country -

Honestly a lot of advice here come from people sitting comfortably in their own houses who have no idea what it means to be homeless with children these days or how competitive renting market has become, especially in more expensive parts of a country. It's a minefield.
People can't survive on benefits anymore unless they work so that complicates things even further because you need to stay close to your job and nursery etc.

A child living with someone who is not always excited to see them or engaged is shitty and shouldn't continue into the future but it's not abuse or bullying and it would not warrant social services involvement. Yet some people behave as if the child was being seriously harmed and needed to escaped in the middle of the night in their pyjamas and become homeless.

You just don’t like the reality that blending families is difficult and raises difficult emotions. Your job as a the adult is to work through them and minimise the impact

Or even better, people could not inflict blended "families" on their kids in the first place.

@MeowCatPleaseMeowBack was right, most blended families ARE a shitshow that are nearly always only in the interests of the adults. I'm disgusted MNHQ are deleting the comments of people wanting to discourage people from forcing this shit on their kids.

Be true to yourself. If you're feeling uncomfortable, you're little girl will be feeling it too.

MNHQ delete personal attacks. It is entirely possible to disagree with someone and to state your case strongly without making personal attacks.

If a poster cannot manage that, there are other forums with different rules.

[shrug]

Oh and - not all of that poster’s posts were deleted, because not all of them were personal attacks, and yet still conveyed her opinion.

HTH.