Moved in with partner and I might have made a huge mistake…

[haveimadeamistake]

Moved in with my partner a month ago and I feel sick to my stomach that I’ve made a huge, huge mistake. I have a 3 and a half year old, he’s always been amazing with her but since we moved in it’s like a switch has been flipped. Some days he just won’t even acknowledge her, but others he’ll sit down and play puzzles with her or teach her things. I can’t deal with not knowing what version we’re going to get, I feel like I’m on eggshells and I hate that my daughter is getting this hot/cold treatment. He says he’s struggling to adjust to having his routine etc upended, and when I ask him if he can make more effort with her, he says that she doesn’t speak to him so why should he - she’s 3 and he’s a grown adult! To clarify, I don’t expect him to step into any sort of parenting role - I just want him to try and make an effort to make her feel welcome in her own home…

Weve had so many conversations about it, and it seems like he takes it on board but after a day or two, it’s back to how it was. I hate it. I feel like he sees her as a nuisance. I just feel like this situation isn’t what I signed up for, it’s not how he was before we moved in. Even things like his hobbies, he said he did xyz on Wednesday evenings and went to the gym after work - he’s done none of this.

I know 100% I need to put my daughter first, but I’m torn between whether that means sticking this out and giving her a beautiful home in a beautiful place (she’s just moved nursery and absolutely loves it here!) or cutting my losses and going back to it just being the 2 of us. To complicate matters further, we bought this place and I would be in no position to buy another property if we split - he paid 100% of the deposit so I have no equity in the house…

I just feel sick. I want things to get better. Also to clarify, he isn’t and never has been violent to either of us and that isn’t a concern I have. I just don’t know if he’s ever going to be able to get used to this being his new way of life!

because some people only gain insight through experience.

Good for you. I judge adults who have no empathy for what is, all round, always, a difficult situation that people are mostly navigating by doing their best. Yes you should leave an abusive relationship, but not every difficult aspect of a relationship or negative feeling is abuse.

It might pierce the sanctimony is why. I thought that was implicit.

This post is well worth a re read, this is the reality of the situation, it’s a huge upheaval for everyone and it needs a consistent patient approach, working together.
in the OP’s case you can’t expect the boyfriend who has never had children to instantly adjust to this new situation.

In an ideal world where there were lots of good quality social rent homes going begging or surplus private rents so you didn't have to jump through multiple hoops to get one then it would be easier for people to make instant decisions to leave - but there are not - not everyone has friends or family with the room or willjust take you in - it be in the same area if you have a job you need to even be considered for rentals. Not everyone will rush to be put in refuges either unless they think they are physically at risk - it's very easy to say do this, do that - when everyone's circumstances are individual - the OP is on the mortgage, she needs to be off that mortgage or the house sold because as it is any debt incurred by non payment is down to them jointly -

The thing is you do not know me. You don’t know my family, children or how any of us are. You just don’t like the reality that blending families is difficult and raises difficult emotions. Your job as a the adult is to work through them and minimise the impact. But it’s pretty obvious that a parent making a new family after the first attempt has failed is going to raise lots of complicated feelings for everyone, and as in all families these feelings mean no one behaves perfectly. You don’t just walk away from your family when things are tough (not abusive, tough) you honour your commitments and try to improve. I’m not sure how this makes me beyond the pale.

Sorry but that’s an awful way to speak about someone who is supporting and raising someone else’s child.

Particularly the part about most blended families being a shit show.

There’s an awful lot of sacrifice involved in becoming a step parent, and a lot of hard work that goes into developing those relationships, or working through them.

Generalised comments about how we’re mostly all just creating shitshows by trying to be positive adults in the lives of kids we didn’t create, is downright disrespectful to the hard work a lot of step parents do.

The self-absorption is breathtaking.

… Continue?

Oh so you are one of those saddos who looks back over people’s previous posts as a ‘gotcha’! As if I don’t know my own life better than you. Just remember while you are revelling in sanctimonious superiority there are very likely traumas your own children are experiencing that will come out in the wash. Best of luck with your life.

Some seriously unpleasant people it seems on this post unloading their own crosses to bear and agendas- let OP decide what's best for her and her little one and in what timeframe given her own circumstances. you aren't offering advice , you are just seeking to unload

Wow. This must really be helping OP

This is not the insult you think it is, and especially given these single people you refer to are not going through what the partnered OP is experiencing 😳.

You posted about the license as well I think? I remember that thread. What really stood out was the deceit and unwillingness to be honest from him. And it was never clear, now that you've bought this new place, what was likely to happen in terms of endless driving for you.

I suspect that he's been happily living the life he wanted, and just lying or manipulating when things weren't quite right - like with the car. And now you're all living together and frankly, he can't do that anymore. eg, before, he'd offer to help with the bedroom for your dd at your house but if he didn't fee llike it, he could put it off. Or when he DID do it, you'd treat him like a hero. Now it's just something he said he would do and tha the should do but he is not happy about it.

I'm sorry you're going through this and that he can't and won't actually talk to you.

one person and two different accounts 🙄 wont mention usernames but come on…

@haveimadeamistake how are you doing?

OP only posted that at 2pm yesterday. She doesn’t owe this thread a blow by blow update, particularly not to a poster as confrontational in her style as you have admitted yourself to be.