Moved in with partner and I might have made a huge mistake…

[haveimadeamistake]

Moved in with my partner a month ago and I feel sick to my stomach that I’ve made a huge, huge mistake. I have a 3 and a half year old, he’s always been amazing with her but since we moved in it’s like a switch has been flipped. Some days he just won’t even acknowledge her, but others he’ll sit down and play puzzles with her or teach her things. I can’t deal with not knowing what version we’re going to get, I feel like I’m on eggshells and I hate that my daughter is getting this hot/cold treatment. He says he’s struggling to adjust to having his routine etc upended, and when I ask him if he can make more effort with her, he says that she doesn’t speak to him so why should he - she’s 3 and he’s a grown adult! To clarify, I don’t expect him to step into any sort of parenting role - I just want him to try and make an effort to make her feel welcome in her own home…

Weve had so many conversations about it, and it seems like he takes it on board but after a day or two, it’s back to how it was. I hate it. I feel like he sees her as a nuisance. I just feel like this situation isn’t what I signed up for, it’s not how he was before we moved in. Even things like his hobbies, he said he did xyz on Wednesday evenings and went to the gym after work - he’s done none of this.

I know 100% I need to put my daughter first, but I’m torn between whether that means sticking this out and giving her a beautiful home in a beautiful place (she’s just moved nursery and absolutely loves it here!) or cutting my losses and going back to it just being the 2 of us. To complicate matters further, we bought this place and I would be in no position to buy another property if we split - he paid 100% of the deposit so I have no equity in the house…

I just feel sick. I want things to get better. Also to clarify, he isn’t and never has been violent to either of us and that isn’t a concern I have. I just don’t know if he’s ever going to be able to get used to this being his new way of life!

I am not denying it, i just think it will benefit the child more not to make moves before Christmas especially because she hasnt picked up on this behaviour yet

Yes i do and i am also pregnant and have been in physically, emotionally and financially abusive relationship for years in the past.
we dont have to agree, its fine, i believe op will do whats the best for her child

Why have you posted this about the PP, Rose?

You have stated that the PP has a very bad anger problem. That seems like an unfounded personal attack.

And she is not really arguing it strongly - she is using phrases like “I just think..”

Your own posting style is considerably more confrontational than hers.

@RoseJoker arguing strongly? 😳

i just think OP is doing a right thing by getting her ducks in a row first before flipping her and her daughter’s life upside down. You really dont have to agree.
this is why we have forums like mumsnet so everyone can chip in with own experience erc

Again, what is the evidence that the PP has “a very bad anger problem” rather than “disagrees with you politely”?

I hope one day you find out the reality of blended families. Until then, keep judging.

Then perhaps you should apologise that your disagreement with her views led you to post pretty nasty things about her.

All those saying 'just move'! Obviously haven't tried to rent a house/flat recently. It can be highly competitive and takes lots of time, hard to juggle ontop of work and child rearing. The op is on it, leave her alone!

One day I think you’re going to look back on the moment you had to ask him to acknowledge your child’s existence and show her some warmth and know you should have walked away there and then.

this isn’t the right man for you, or for your daughter.

it’s OK for him to also realise this isn’t what he wants in life either; it’s just such a shame you both weren’t able to figure this out before the financial entanglement of a mortgage.

I hope you find happiness OP.

Ah, ok - you are dragging in information from other threads. I wondered if that was the case.

Not really on, that.

Have a good evening, Rose.

This!

That’s why I asked you, as it seemed an extreme response to the PP’s posts here.

It’s still not really on.

TTFN.

You described the reality very well. A child forced to live with someone who resents them. I absolutely judge the adults who subject children to that.

@Muddledandmiddle I don't disagree but there's practicalities to think of first and those need sorting - not least the fact she's on a joint mortgage and is in shtuk for it till she's somehow bought off the agreement it the place is sold -the idea you just walk out the door with nothing sorted, no permanent home to go to is not on the best interests of OP or the little one