Moved in with partner and I might have made a huge mistake…

[haveimadeamistake]

Moved in with my partner a month ago and I feel sick to my stomach that I’ve made a huge, huge mistake. I have a 3 and a half year old, he’s always been amazing with her but since we moved in it’s like a switch has been flipped. Some days he just won’t even acknowledge her, but others he’ll sit down and play puzzles with her or teach her things. I can’t deal with not knowing what version we’re going to get, I feel like I’m on eggshells and I hate that my daughter is getting this hot/cold treatment. He says he’s struggling to adjust to having his routine etc upended, and when I ask him if he can make more effort with her, he says that she doesn’t speak to him so why should he - she’s 3 and he’s a grown adult! To clarify, I don’t expect him to step into any sort of parenting role - I just want him to try and make an effort to make her feel welcome in her own home…

Weve had so many conversations about it, and it seems like he takes it on board but after a day or two, it’s back to how it was. I hate it. I feel like he sees her as a nuisance. I just feel like this situation isn’t what I signed up for, it’s not how he was before we moved in. Even things like his hobbies, he said he did xyz on Wednesday evenings and went to the gym after work - he’s done none of this.

I know 100% I need to put my daughter first, but I’m torn between whether that means sticking this out and giving her a beautiful home in a beautiful place (she’s just moved nursery and absolutely loves it here!) or cutting my losses and going back to it just being the 2 of us. To complicate matters further, we bought this place and I would be in no position to buy another property if we split - he paid 100% of the deposit so I have no equity in the house…

I just feel sick. I want things to get better. Also to clarify, he isn’t and never has been violent to either of us and that isn’t a concern I have. I just don’t know if he’s ever going to be able to get used to this being his new way of life!

Another month of abuse for the sake of "Christmas"????

Now I've heard it all.

I agree with what you are saying. Those conversations re the step parent’s role should happen. And maybe they would have in the OP’s case in time.

@BettyBardMacDonald but you are putting 'your' definition of abuse on the poster are you not- Yes not interacting well with a young child is somewhat shitty and if it continues then yes I certainly would be thinking of moving on as and when I had good options in place - particularly that he's clearly a liar too -

The OP may not feel it's abuse that justifies immediately getting out the door with no options- it's just not something she feels makes for a good long term relationship and not something she's prepared to make herself homeless for - she has already said she is now looking at options - options aren't always 'immediate'

Also, you have to think carefully about moving out of a home where you’re a joint mortgagee. It can lead to further coercion/financial abuse, either intended or unintended. For example, if she moved out and he had a serious mental health breakdown, he may not give access to estate agents or potential buyers in order to sell it. He may not give access to OP. He may not clean or maintain the home so it becomes harder to sell. He may not pay the mortgage.

That would necessitate a court order to force him to give access and/or sell, involving costly solicitors fees, while mortgage arrears rack up. All while OP’s having to pay the rent and bills on another home in an unfamiliar area (if that’s all she can afford) while having to resettle her daughter, who may have to move nursery again.

@EdithBond absolutely - there's real implications involved , not just 'he's turned into a bit of a twat' - move out- OP is on the line for the mortgage until it's sold or he takes over etc -

Abuse is a really strong word. Right now him being distant and ignoring OP’s daughter not affecting a child as much as flipping her world upside down right before christmas would. She tries to shield her daughter as much as possible and they can do their own thing as much as possible without involving him if needed. I completely understand how it will affect a child going forward but OP confirmed h34 daughter likes him and likes spending time with him etc etc, she is little and hasnt picked up on his horrible behaviour yet so yes, i stand by my words. 4 weeks are not going to crush her world as much as packing up and moving right away

he may not give access to estate agents or potential buyers in order to sell it. He may not give access to OP. He may not clean or maintain the home so it becomes harder to sell.

Yes, been there. AM there. Joint mortgages are a nightmare when there's a split and one partner is unco-operative. There was a news item about it recently and it's being recognised at last. Doesn't sound as if OP has much equity in the property so she needs to work out her share, if any, with a solicitor and make a quick clean break instead of letting it drag on.

I wouldn't really take Christmas into account, when she's three. At that age, Christmas is a vague concept of sparkly things and reindeer that comes and goes away again. It is not going to matter to her where she and Mummy celebrate it.

Well, ok... but simply from a practical perspective, for OP to view rental places, pay a deposit, pass credit checks etc... she probably won't be moving before Xmas, even if she can pass the credit checks given the mortgage situation.

OP, I really feel sorry for you.
Very hard lessons.
Lying about his licence was a huge red flag unfortunately.

Do not dream of getting a cat.
It would be a rental limiting disaster and further upset for your child.
Just explain unfortunately it is not possible for now, and leave it.

Talking to your parents is a good idea.
I think he was playing at a role that he no longer is keen on.
Keep saving money, as much as you can.
Get advice and perhaps speak to old landlord.
It may become available again.
Yes you made a mistake but you will get through this.
Do not get pregnant.
Don't even risk sex with him.

Gather as much advice as possible and have a simple lean Christmas.
Saving is key.
Perhaps go to your parents for Christmas.
Keep going.
You can do this.

@Raineys I think too there was a certain amount of 'fancying the family thing' in his head and buying the 'nice' house -- but the reality of it and 'full time' isn't quite what he expected - I'm very sorry for the OP too, and it's one reason I don't think it's a good idea to have joint commitments with repercussions until you have lived full time with someone for a year or so. Getting out of a rental is easier , especially in a hot market for rentals -

This is an argument against so-called blended families, not an argument for stepparents to treat children badly.

So what do you expect? People split up and don’t have a relationship ever again?

Or like many people manage, have a relationship without cohabitating until the kids are older

Of course they can have a relationship but they don't have to inflict living with their partner on their child.

I actually think yes, in most cases, people should keep their private lives completely separate, once they have children.

All this joining families, forcing kids to share their home and spaces with the partner (and often kids) of the person their parent has decided is now part of their lives.

It often does not work. I think the more that realise this, the less pain, trauma and unheavel as well as babies born into these shitty set-ups will befall those who just do not employ real critical thinking and get glassy eyed and loved up, making disastrous decisions like combining households or foisting virtual strangers onto kids who get no say.

She's said she could stay with her parents.

Always straight to the hyperbole. See who you like but don't move someone into your child's home who, in your admission, will be stressed, resentful, and find them unbearable.

Not easily, no:

We could stay at my parents but it’s over an hour away, would be v cramped and I’d have no childcare there as we’d all be working. I’m going to stay there this weekend though and will probably let them know then what the situation is.

So OP could only do this if she and her parents can take time off work, as it is too far to drop DD at nursery.

Giving a child the silent treatment and deliberating winding them up until they get upset IS abusive behaviour. Emotionally so. It might be on the lower end of the abuse scale but trust me, as someone who grew up with a father like that, it's still horribly damaging. You end up desperately craving their approval and OP's daughter is already showing signs of that.

@DowntonNabby however, OP spending this weekend there will be good for minimising contact with STBXP as DD will be at nursery during the week (and possibly with her dad again the following weekend)

I know what you mean, but because he's not physically hurting her some people, like that PP, don't believe it is abuse. I was trying to make the point – clumsily – that it still counts.