Moved in with partner and I might have made a huge mistake…

[haveimadeamistake]

Moved in with my partner a month ago and I feel sick to my stomach that I’ve made a huge, huge mistake. I have a 3 and a half year old, he’s always been amazing with her but since we moved in it’s like a switch has been flipped. Some days he just won’t even acknowledge her, but others he’ll sit down and play puzzles with her or teach her things. I can’t deal with not knowing what version we’re going to get, I feel like I’m on eggshells and I hate that my daughter is getting this hot/cold treatment. He says he’s struggling to adjust to having his routine etc upended, and when I ask him if he can make more effort with her, he says that she doesn’t speak to him so why should he - she’s 3 and he’s a grown adult! To clarify, I don’t expect him to step into any sort of parenting role - I just want him to try and make an effort to make her feel welcome in her own home…

Weve had so many conversations about it, and it seems like he takes it on board but after a day or two, it’s back to how it was. I hate it. I feel like he sees her as a nuisance. I just feel like this situation isn’t what I signed up for, it’s not how he was before we moved in. Even things like his hobbies, he said he did xyz on Wednesday evenings and went to the gym after work - he’s done none of this.

I know 100% I need to put my daughter first, but I’m torn between whether that means sticking this out and giving her a beautiful home in a beautiful place (she’s just moved nursery and absolutely loves it here!) or cutting my losses and going back to it just being the 2 of us. To complicate matters further, we bought this place and I would be in no position to buy another property if we split - he paid 100% of the deposit so I have no equity in the house…

I just feel sick. I want things to get better. Also to clarify, he isn’t and never has been violent to either of us and that isn’t a concern I have. I just don’t know if he’s ever going to be able to get used to this being his new way of life!

DO NOT EVER, EVER, EVER LEAVE YOUR CHILD ALONE WITH THIS MAN.

Alongside your other post, you seem to be minimising this.

A grumpy sod entering later middle age inside a 10/15+ year marriage is really quite different to a man who has LIED about something significant - like being able to drive, and as it turns out, a man who is very unpleasant towards a 3 year old who isn't his dc.

Of course these are bloody red flags.

Why are you conflating (the sometimes) over the top LTB posts with this situation?

The OP isn't in a marriage like yours.

Incidentally, you may feel mood swings are just annoying, but a child growing up with them gets harmed for life. It is abuse to subject an innocent little one to the confusing, and sometimes frightening emotions of adults.

op really hope you slept well and you’re thinking and thinking and going to go to your family at the weekend.

The shame is all his. He duped you.

And for those determined to stick the boot in- she gets it she made a huge mistake and now she’s fixing it. Give it a rest!

My mum left him after a year as realised that she couldn't live like that. She could I guess see how it was affecting both of us. She never met anyone again after that as think she just had enough of men!

Don’t be ludicrous, @PerfectStorm00 - you aren’t writing a story for a weekly magazine, you know. Barbie dream
house, my arse.

@haveimadeamistake I hope you’re doing OK. Don’t worry about your decisions in the past (other than to learn from them) or what people think. All you can control is what you do going forward.

I was suspicious but he convinced me he was telling the truth.

I think this is key to all future decisions. You know he’s capable of deceiving you, even when you have suspicions. And over something that he really didn’t need to lie about. I’m sure him not having a full licence probably wouldn’t have been a dealbreaker. And he could always sort it.

You know now you need documentary proof of anything he says in order to believe him. And to trust in your instinct. This will be important in sorting out how you get out of the joint mortgage. Don’t trust him to pay it if you move out. He could default and get you in debt.

Being empathetic to him for a moment, having seen your recent updates and taking him at face value, he’s recently lost his mother. I assume this was devastating if his parents weren’t together and he has no siblings. He’s likely to still be working through the grief and sense of loss of his immediate family and anchor. That’s why setting up a home with you (a mother) may have appealed. So, he’s rashly used his mother’s inheritance as a deposit for a jointly-owned house with someone he’d only known 18 months. He may now be worried you’ll be entitled to half later down the line. He may have seen red flags in you and be anxious you’ll take advantage of him to get a home for you and your daughter. Maybe he’s suffering with depression (understandable when recently bereaved), which can make people disengaged, snappy and unable to pursue hobbies etc. He may be having a wobble and need reassurance.

BUT…as you’ve rightly identified, as have others, it’s the impact of this on your daughter. Even older kids struggle to understand or vocalise how things are affecting them. If asked, they’ll say they’re OK because they can’t think like adults to realise they’re not. Most children are naturally positive and happy. It’s later they realise how things have affected them. If he lived with a friend, they’d feel bewildered and sad if they came home and he didn’t acknowledge them or if they were showing him something and he just said ‘wow’. Let alone a child. If he can’t see this from your daughter’s pov, it’s a real worry.

Until you can sort your financial obligations, so you can afford to move out, you’re right to keep your daughter away from him as much as possible, especially when he’s moody. You’re right to spend your free time with just you and your daughter while working out the best option to move forward.

It’s a sad situation. But you can’t trust him and you must put your daughter first.

Good post @EdithBond - measured and helpful!

I’m so glad she left this sorry excuse of a man and put you first

i Can imagine it’s a bit draining going from being a childless man dating a woman with a child to actually being expected to exhume parental roles within the home. He might have bitten off more than he can chew, but unless OP wants this relationship to fail, she needs to have some empathy and give him space - even when he’s wrong

I know your DD and you are probably extra close being a unit, but it does look like you are involving her not in an age appropriate way at times. The kitten idea, she was unnecessarily informed of prior ( another example of you getting carriedaway by your excitementfor things maybe?), and asking her how she feels about your DP - be the adult here, it's your decision regardless of how she feels, she is not mature enough to process how she feels and her answers are unlikely to be accurate.
It's good your making plans, it's also good it's only been a month of living together. Move out, rent a place. Stop paying your half of the mortgage, he should be able to afford your half from the rental income and his wages. Look into ways of getting your name off the mortgage. How he does that is up to him and the mortgage company.

he should be able to afford your half from the rental income and his wages.

I may have missed it, but does he own the rental property outright? If not, rent on that will be primarily covering the BTL mortgage on that. As OP has said, the mortgage company wanted both their wages in the mix to make a lending decision.

Look into ways of getting your name off the mortgage. How he does that is up to him and the mortgage company.

In what way is it “up to him and the mortgage company”? OP is jointly liable for the mortgage. If it goes into default, it impacts both of their credit ratings.

@SheilaFentiman his rental property is mortgage free. He could probably sell it to take over the mortgage here on his own but not sure.

He’s acting like everything is fine, seemed surprised when I said I’m not getting the kitten and was saying that we need to get Christmas plans sorted… not sure he realises how seriously I’m considering leaving! The police disclosure came back this morning and it’s clear, so I have a bit of time to get my shit together.

Did you tell him WHY you are not getting the kitten – that because of how he's being/been with your daughter you no longer want to make long-term plans in case you leave?

This x1000

Do not consult your toddler about significant life decisions. It's incredibly unfair. The kitten should never have been mentioned.

I think that’s a bit harsh - the kitten being mentioned was presumably when OP felt everything was fine. Lots of kids will be told “we are getting a puppy/kitten/goldfish for Xmas/your birthday” - it’s not a consultation on life.

Considering?

Whats to consider?

Your poor daughter 😢

He will act as if nothing has happened.
To him nothing has happened.
Your still there.
I know you said your making plans to leave.
But until you actually leave.
You are still there.
So he goes on like "nothing has happened " he has reset back to default now.
Until the next time.
Its a pattern of events until he wears you down to accept his reality.
I know for you this may seem as if "I know this stop keeping on I'm making plans to leave for gods sake shut up with the leave comments" most of us are keeping on and you have it handled.
But if you did you wouldn't be on these forums.
Your looking for a way to stay. "Oh he's not so bad".
Because staying is easier than leaving. And it is.
All that upheaval.
But later down the road.
It will get harder.
And most on this forum me included. Speak from a place of personal experience.
Of our own of course.
But they are rarely different in endings.

@Calmhappyandhealthy there’s a lot to consider, as I’ve posted about already. I’m not making an overnight decision, I’m making plans that are in my DD’s best interests, which include somewhere stable to live. It doesn’t happen immediately.

@haveimadeamistake I totally agree- ignore others desparate for you to end up possibly homeless , it's not their life!

@McNicey you missed my point- my point is about her rushing out like 'this minute ' without taking time to sort a satisfactory situation going forward for her and daughter.

Of course those things you mentioned are indeed red flags , I have said I would be making future plans to leave based on those issues, rather than the fact he's not that great and a bit uncommunicative with OPs little one - that's an issue in itself but I wouldn't necessarily say it's a red flag at this stage- lots of people aren't great with small kids- and not all are step parents.

I was responding to the poster saying you must leave at the first sign of 'any' red flags- that I can't agree with or we would all end up leaving first time we all had an argument and H showed any signs of a temper ( none of us have one of course) or a lie ( I guess none of us have lied either - even if only to keep the peace) I think taking note of red flags depends on the severity of it - if it was gambling £5k away or taking coke regularly or refusing to get a job- yep I would be making plans to leave pronto - but I would even then out myself in a position to leave safely and with somewhere to go- not everyone has family or friends they can just land themselves on or thousands to put down on a rental immediately ( or the ability to pass letting agents requirements on one income ( or benefits in some cases) and no you don't just get given a housing association or council place quickly in most parts of the country - child or not

@haveimadeamistake i think you are doing a right thing by taking it slow right now and not turning your daughter’s life upside down. Christmas is coming and it would be horrible to move out and start all over again right before Christmas. Even if you decide to leave I would probably hold on telling him or putting it in action until after Christmas

100%. There was a PP who said “ignore the financials” but rent, deposit, food and electricity require some thought about money for you to take care of yourself and your DD.

But the OP doesn’t expect him to take on parental roles, just to be nice and interact with her daughter.
So please do stop with the “poor partner suddenly being a parent” rhetoric when this is neither needed or wanted by the OP.

But what you don't recognise is: This is also very difficult. Imagine a child in your home, full time, over whom you have no parental say. They play up, act out, tantrum, as all children do, and you are not able to to put in boundaries you think are appropriate, or that would help you manage your own emotions. You don't get to decide bedtime routines, mealtimes, morning routines - every aspect of the day is dictated by a child's needs and you, one half of the adult team who is financing the child's life to one extent or another do not get to invest or manage the situation. I just don't think anyone can foresee how hard that is in reality. My stepdaughter for example is 9 years old and is allowed to decide her own bedtime, 11am, 1am, whatever - her parents think this is appropriate. My own child goes to bed at 7.30 and then we have my stepdaughter wandering around, half the week until all hours, asking for food, a drink, to play a game - getting bratty because she is tired. I am not her mother so I don't get to say: 'bed. Now.' Instead I have to either ignore her and skullk off to my room to relax, or spend the evening stressed and resentful trying to put on a smile. Now I know this is an extreme example but all stepparenting units will have similar conflicts, and you just cannot as a stepparent do anything to improve your situation as you are not the parent. In your own home. This guy may well be a dick - I think the lying is a big red flag — but finding it unbearable to live with a child you are not parenting is not, I think, a dreadful evil that cannot be overcome. It's about how you work together to approach the child's upbringing homelife. There have to be compromises on both sides, as you are now a family unit: the parent cannot expect their life, rules and routine to continue unchanged when they make a new family.