Moved in with partner and I might have made a huge mistake…

[haveimadeamistake]

Moved in with my partner a month ago and I feel sick to my stomach that I’ve made a huge, huge mistake. I have a 3 and a half year old, he’s always been amazing with her but since we moved in it’s like a switch has been flipped. Some days he just won’t even acknowledge her, but others he’ll sit down and play puzzles with her or teach her things. I can’t deal with not knowing what version we’re going to get, I feel like I’m on eggshells and I hate that my daughter is getting this hot/cold treatment. He says he’s struggling to adjust to having his routine etc upended, and when I ask him if he can make more effort with her, he says that she doesn’t speak to him so why should he - she’s 3 and he’s a grown adult! To clarify, I don’t expect him to step into any sort of parenting role - I just want him to try and make an effort to make her feel welcome in her own home…

Weve had so many conversations about it, and it seems like he takes it on board but after a day or two, it’s back to how it was. I hate it. I feel like he sees her as a nuisance. I just feel like this situation isn’t what I signed up for, it’s not how he was before we moved in. Even things like his hobbies, he said he did xyz on Wednesday evenings and went to the gym after work - he’s done none of this.

I know 100% I need to put my daughter first, but I’m torn between whether that means sticking this out and giving her a beautiful home in a beautiful place (she’s just moved nursery and absolutely loves it here!) or cutting my losses and going back to it just being the 2 of us. To complicate matters further, we bought this place and I would be in no position to buy another property if we split - he paid 100% of the deposit so I have no equity in the house…

I just feel sick. I want things to get better. Also to clarify, he isn’t and never has been violent to either of us and that isn’t a concern I have. I just don’t know if he’s ever going to be able to get used to this being his new way of life!

From a ream of alternative advice you took one sentence, but in your froth, got it back to front.
Not well done!

OP are you actually going to leave? Because it feels like you aren’t and honestly I feel like the stakes are absolutely MASSIVE here. You are already in the early stages of an abusive relationship and it’s directed towards your daughter. Imagine if you had to defend your parenting in court:
I didn’t leave because:

• it’s a nice house.
• i thought i deserved a ‘fairy tale’.
• i wanted a kitten.
• my three year old said she didn’t want him to go to work because she liked him…so I stayed.
• We had a big family Christmas planned.

not great, is it? good luck!

It’s been 24h since she posted and she’s looking up rentals etc. She can’t “leave” without a place to go. It’s not a soap opera, it’s her life. She’s making plans. Don’t be horrible.

And she hasn’t cited the kitten or Xmas as reasons to stay, just things she is sad about.

It’s not horrible to point out she shouldn’t be bringing another vulnerable creature into an abusive situation, and that asking the toddler for her opinion is unfair. If you were really planning on leaving, why would you ask the 3 year old for their input? It’s just nonsense and sounds like the OP is looking for a reason to stay.

Edit to add: imagining what you would say in court or what may be printed on the front page of the tabloid is actually a very good strategy for not making poor decisions tbqh! You should definitely try it. Would I want to have to try and defend this decision in court? If the answer is no, then I should probably make a different choice.

This is good. You have no financial investment in the property and hopefully he can just agree to remove you from the title. You need to get your daughter out of there. You don't need more time. You know this.

hopefully he can just agree to remove you from the title.

They have a joint mortgage - the bank has to agree, and the bank probably won’t,

Again, I’m taking a pause - good luck, OP, you’ve made great progress in 24h ❤️

It's been a month in which time he has adjusted... negatively. He's gone from being nice to the kid to a complete dick.
Anyone you have to tell to talk to a 3 year old when she's talking to you is not worth dealing with. You don't need to make them promise to speak to her and wait for repeated breaking of said promise.
How unbelievably low is your bar for a partner?!

Honestly OP I would ignore 90% of these batshit responses, which I'm convinced are posted by single women!!

What an absolute pile-on...You need to talk to real-life friends now.

Too many posts like this recently. Following a similar story. Totally unreasonable man. We all become invested. Things move on quite quickly then all of a sudden we don't hear any more.

We shouldn't expect to hear any more. OP doesn't owe anyone a single let alone continuous updates.

Amen.

Stop with the dramatics.

OP has taken a huge step forward in planning to leave. She needs support, not pointless 'imagine' scenarios.

@Fannyfiggs I totally agree -

I really hope she has made steps to leave. Doesn’t seem like it from the updates (asking the three year old, still talking to her partner about it, talking about fairy tales). I’d be gone like a shot but maybe that’s just me….

I honestly think there are some women who wouldn't be happy unless every woman with a partner who was behaving like a total dick upped sticks immediately with no forward planning and made themselves homeless- yes it's not great that he's acting somewhat disinterested towards the little one but he's not beating her up and taking all her money etc - it's something the OP needs to be aware of and probably making plans sooner rather than later to separate given that he's clearly a bit of a storyteller too - but unless Claire's law shows up anything or his behaviour towards OP becomes seriously abusive- it's better to have practical plans that cause the least disturbance for both OP and daughter and that is unlikely to be moving out with nowhere to go etc

Your “advice” was ridiculous

Define “seriously” abusive? Where’s the line?

Do we just tolerate abuse then until it becomes serious? Treating a child like this is ok for now, because at least he’s not “beating her up”?

@Error404pagenotfound I wouldn't define not being particularly communicative with a young child or showing enough constant interest as abusive - otherwise a great many other dads out there would qualify too - not just step dads-- some mums too - I agree it's not great behaviour for an ongoing relationship and yep I would be re evaluating the relationship , but no I don't think it's abusive so we will have to agree to disagree.

This is crazy unrealistic. Very few stepparents can take on a child as their own. It just doesn’t happen because the child already has parents and neither the parents nor the child want you to be 100% a parent. You also do not love stepkids as you do your own kids and so their behaviour is more draining, with a side order of resentment. Throw in exes and all the logistics of a third adult who has a say in your family dynamic and yes, it’s hard. All this is normal blended family stuff. It takes between 4-7 years for a blended family to settle into some kind of normality where everyone feels secure in their roles. Even then not easy. It can be worked through. It’s easy to demonise the stepparent but very few people who haven’t been there can even imagine how hard it is, harder than parenting by about a million percent. I agree it’s not nice for the child, but little about being from a broken home is ideal.

We can agree to disagree, that’s fine. What isn’t ok is you giving dangerous advice like women should only leave if it’s “seriously” abusive, or it’s not that bad if she’s not being beaten up.

I’ve been in an abusive relationship. I’ve also worked in safeguarding roles for over 20 years, I’ve worked in domestic abusive services, been a social work assistant, sat in on MARACS, completed DASH forms and I’m currently a student social worker. What I can tell you from all of that experience is that abuse very rarely starts with being “beaten up”. Women absolutely SHOULD leave at the first red flag, but that’s not always possible and is actually quite difficult to do. Countless women will read this thread wondering if their abuse is “bad” enough to leave, and your words could be harmful. Do better.

@Error404pagenotfound sorry I maybe shouldn't have used the word 'serious' - but yes I def I am still of the opinion that if we all left at the first sign of 'any' red flags there would be next to no couples out there. I have seen peoples red flag comments on here when someone grumbled that the house was a mess or grumbled that they couldn't find something - that's longer term married life for most - it's annoying as hell but I don't think it's great advice then to be telling people to leave etc

I'm personally married to someone whose moods can be somewhat fickle certainly as he's got older and has a lot of stress in work etc , as are many women- I certainly wouldn't say he's abusive. Incredibly annoying at times - yes

I respect your comments, and on the subject of having an “annoying” one I can sympathise!

"I just feel like this situation isn’t what I signed up for, it’s not how he was before we moved in. Even things like his hobbies, he said he did xyz on Wednesday evenings and went to the gym after work - he’s done none of this."

So - he presented himelf to you as someone with hobbies who went to the gym and could drive - and he isn't. I find that really interesting. It's the sort of lies that someone tells when they're sure they won't get found out (long-distance releationship, job application, penpal). The feel their lies make them more attractive - the hobbies, the gym habit - that's the person they want to be, the person they think is more attractive than they truly are. But he was in a situation where his lies would be found out as soon as you moved in together. Bizarre! And not a little stupid.

All you can do is move out. As well as his blowing hot and cold with your daughter, he's just plain damned unreliable. You can't rely on him to tell you the truth, you can't rely on him to be an adult in relation to your daughter; you just can't rely on him.