Moved in with partner and I might have made a huge mistake…

[haveimadeamistake]

Moved in with my partner a month ago and I feel sick to my stomach that I’ve made a huge, huge mistake. I have a 3 and a half year old, he’s always been amazing with her but since we moved in it’s like a switch has been flipped. Some days he just won’t even acknowledge her, but others he’ll sit down and play puzzles with her or teach her things. I can’t deal with not knowing what version we’re going to get, I feel like I’m on eggshells and I hate that my daughter is getting this hot/cold treatment. He says he’s struggling to adjust to having his routine etc upended, and when I ask him if he can make more effort with her, he says that she doesn’t speak to him so why should he - she’s 3 and he’s a grown adult! To clarify, I don’t expect him to step into any sort of parenting role - I just want him to try and make an effort to make her feel welcome in her own home…

Weve had so many conversations about it, and it seems like he takes it on board but after a day or two, it’s back to how it was. I hate it. I feel like he sees her as a nuisance. I just feel like this situation isn’t what I signed up for, it’s not how he was before we moved in. Even things like his hobbies, he said he did xyz on Wednesday evenings and went to the gym after work - he’s done none of this.

I know 100% I need to put my daughter first, but I’m torn between whether that means sticking this out and giving her a beautiful home in a beautiful place (she’s just moved nursery and absolutely loves it here!) or cutting my losses and going back to it just being the 2 of us. To complicate matters further, we bought this place and I would be in no position to buy another property if we split - he paid 100% of the deposit so I have no equity in the house…

I just feel sick. I want things to get better. Also to clarify, he isn’t and never has been violent to either of us and that isn’t a concern I have. I just don’t know if he’s ever going to be able to get used to this being his new way of life!

Op - if your name is on the deeds and you're paying the mortgage, I think you have equal equity in the house. I would go and see/speak a solicitor asap if I were you.

@yupmeagain I’m literally talking to a solicitor right now and I’ve made enquiries on rentals. The thread is a massive source of support, but I’m not just using it to sit around and mope. I’m taking steps to get my ducks in a row!

People don't fall for it.

haveimadeamistake! You need to move out, if he can't say hello when your DD has been away for the weekend, and your stepping on eggshells lovey, I have been there, it won't get an easier, no matter how many times you talk to him, leave now, your daughter will happily go with you, and she will forget him, I would run a mile, your ex landlord, might know another landlord, ring him and ask, if you managed before you will manage now. Do it before it gets any worse. Please keep in touch.

He's not her stepdad. And if you need an expectations chat to explain that you don't completely ignore theve year old you live with, there's no hope for you.

Op came for help and support which has confirmed what she was already feeling and given her strength to deal with it, give her time!

Op please don't feel bullied off this thread or mn, it's so important to get clarity, strength of purpose and focus especially if you don't have people irl to thrash it all out with.

Well done for taking steps to get yourself out of this.

Decent people do not …
Shun a 3 year old
Give silent treatment
Slam doors
Refuse to discuss their issues
Refer to your daughter’s bedroom furniture as “this shit”
Lie about being able to drive
Create a toxic atmosphere that has others walking on eggshells
Display cruelty to a small child.

Anyone who behaves like the above is not someone that you can trust, like or wish to live with. It’s obvious that he’s not happy and it’s also obvious that you shouldn’t have to worry and ask him to behave in a proper manner.

Well said.

When you were both child free last weekend, did you both go out and do something together, a meal, cocktails, or is it all domestic stuff and no fun?

He is lacking in manners not to greet your daughter when she arrived home, that goes for anyone coming in.
Her showing him something and him saying "Wow" is fine. Wasn't he cooking the tea at the time?
You could have called her as you didn't seem to be busy and said you wanted to see it too. You could also be building the bedroom furniture for your own child. Take the pressure off.

You have come from a rented house to what seems your dream home, yet with no money to contribute to a deposit. No pressure.
He meanwhile has used his inheritance from his mother, his only ready cash, to pay for it. Pressure.

Whether you leave or try to make it work one month in, try and distract your daughter away from him for a while, let their relationship develop organically. Not to say he shouldn't speak to her, but give him some space.

Even if you leave, you could be stuck there for some time, so anything to ease the atmosphere.

My big reservation would be that he laughed at having been caught lying.
Yes he may have originally said he could drive to save his embarrassment and couldn't find the opportunity to correct it. Laughing instead of explaining isn't the adult way to deal with it.

The poor child must be so confused by his behaviour. I grew up with a father who blew hot and cold and a mother who would shout at us one minute and be all smiling the next with no explanation or apology. As adults, two of us haven’t spoken for over twenty years because we never learned how to deal with conflict or problems.
This needs to be talked about, maybe with a counsellor. It can probably be sorted out but don’t let your child grow up with a man child.

I got this impression too. In my experience if a man thinks he's going to lose you and doesn't want to, he panics and will apologise and promise to change but OP's partner isn't doing that. It sounds like he just wants out.

There isn't any equity in the house apart from the deposit that he paid it it's entirety a month ago. You can't be suggesting she's entitled to half of that?

Some men are just big kids. They think the world should revolve around them and what they want. Gym, hobbies, nights out with their mates, their dp giving them her total attention. He's jealous of your dd. Best get out now, he won't change.

Ugh you again, with your cheap hyperbole.

What you didn't like was being challenged over the way you forced your dd to live under the same roof as someone who showed total disdain for her. He even called her names, yet you stayed. Now you claim you all 'live in harmony'...

Your future adult dd will report back to you on the childhood you inflicted upon her.

Meanwhile, it sounds like the OP is acting where you failed.

I agree... and what kind of response is "I can't change overnight."
Of course, as you pointed out, he could if he wanted to. The fact that you had to spell it out and say will you stop ignoring her and he didn't reply Yes of course, but instead I'll try.. implies he sees it will be a real effort to stop ignoring a child.

it's clear he doesn't want to change.

There is no equity a month in, only debt. His debt. He paid all the deposit and expenses and yet it's being suggested by another poster that he coughs up further cash for her to rent a property. I don't think so.

A loan can't be walked away from. If OP leaves and he defaults, she is liable for the full mortgage. What is their debt currently could become hers.

The whole arrangement is crazy generous on his part. Him paying everything, her nothing, but her name on the deeds. I wonder what made him do such a rash thing. He's probably suffering now with buyer's remorse.

She does pay towards the mortgage and he wouldn't be able to buy on his own.

@PiggyPigalle to be honest Ive know plenty of non step parents who are pretty disengaged too when it comes to young children - my parents were definitely a bit like this- not cruel but somewhat disengaged from child like things-

If it was me I would actually be more concerned in the immediate with the fact he seems to be a bit of a storyteller when it comes to his life -

I would have been prepared to wait a year or so to see if the relationship and connection with the little one 'warmed up' somewhat - but the 'life' lies are concerning and would put me on alert

To be fair OP, you're probably not the only one upset. What would you want him to say?

But it's only been a month, right? He has said that he finds it difficult to adjust, and I have some sympathy for that. I imagine he doesn't ignore her when she's compromising her own safety. An honest conversation to say 'I expect you to greet her, and ask how she's doing, when you get home'. There's a good possibility that he's just as unhappy in this situation as the OP is. Obviously, if promises are repeatedly made and then broken, the OP should calmly research financial options and choose for her daughter's wellbeing.

I can see that it reads like that and it wasn't what I meant. Treating a friend's child nicely is not the same as one you live with as a parental figure.

Good god, your poor child @Dexter77 😭

Take the pressure off by him not helping assemble the little ones bedroom furniture? Are you for real?

A loan can't be walked away from. If OP leaves and he defaults, she is liable for the full mortgage. What is their debt currently could become hers.

This. It’s the bank that currently holds the debt and both of their names are on the loan. OP cannot “sign anything over” without dealing with the bank side of things.

(I don’t agree with the PP’s other points, but simplistic solutions to the house ownership issue don’t grow on trees)