Moved in with partner and I might have made a huge mistake…

[haveimadeamistake]

Moved in with my partner a month ago and I feel sick to my stomach that I’ve made a huge, huge mistake. I have a 3 and a half year old, he’s always been amazing with her but since we moved in it’s like a switch has been flipped. Some days he just won’t even acknowledge her, but others he’ll sit down and play puzzles with her or teach her things. I can’t deal with not knowing what version we’re going to get, I feel like I’m on eggshells and I hate that my daughter is getting this hot/cold treatment. He says he’s struggling to adjust to having his routine etc upended, and when I ask him if he can make more effort with her, he says that she doesn’t speak to him so why should he - she’s 3 and he’s a grown adult! To clarify, I don’t expect him to step into any sort of parenting role - I just want him to try and make an effort to make her feel welcome in her own home…

Weve had so many conversations about it, and it seems like he takes it on board but after a day or two, it’s back to how it was. I hate it. I feel like he sees her as a nuisance. I just feel like this situation isn’t what I signed up for, it’s not how he was before we moved in. Even things like his hobbies, he said he did xyz on Wednesday evenings and went to the gym after work - he’s done none of this.

I know 100% I need to put my daughter first, but I’m torn between whether that means sticking this out and giving her a beautiful home in a beautiful place (she’s just moved nursery and absolutely loves it here!) or cutting my losses and going back to it just being the 2 of us. To complicate matters further, we bought this place and I would be in no position to buy another property if we split - he paid 100% of the deposit so I have no equity in the house…

I just feel sick. I want things to get better. Also to clarify, he isn’t and never has been violent to either of us and that isn’t a concern I have. I just don’t know if he’s ever going to be able to get used to this being his new way of life!

@Janicchoplin he definitely does own the other property. He had to pay an extra £20k in tax when we bought this place as it was classed as a second property.

The last thing you need when looking for a new place to rent is a kitten.
It's a shame it has worked out like this.

I used to look after two twin girls and their older brothers one morning a week in the holidays, and I assumed they were all the husband's children- but they were his step children!

He was great with them.

We used to live opposite them, so I know that step dads 'Can' work out. {My son used to play with their sons}.

Definitely don't get the kitten-you can always get one down the track when you have a house of your own.

{I had a kitten when renting, and I sneaked her in- the landlord said I couldn't have her, {I'd literally only just bought her when I was a teenager} He introduced me to one of his friends, a lovely woman who took her...the friend had a massive garden in Kingston on Thames - and it worked out well for the cat. I would get frequent updates.

But it's not fair on a cat to be moving it about.

Your partner might hate having a cat- the litter tray cleaning &c.

Or that could be that he's a second time buyer... my son had to pay some tax as he wasn't a first time buyer {Stamp duty}

But son definitely only has one house!

I remember your other thread (different name I think) and everyone was warning you that him lying about his licence was a huge red flag.

Yes, make plans to leave, asap.

It's understandable you hoped things would work out, it's only human. Best of luck.

He's her stepdad, not her dad, and I think you need to give this more time. I would have an honest chat with him about your expectations vs his, to understand if they match. Ideally you would have done this before moving in, but hey ho.

As a stepmum myself, I was always quite hands-off, but friendly. I wasn't used to kids so it was quite a change for me. I did organise activities at weekends, but I expected their dad to parent, not me. If that makes sense! He might be the same.

The thread is a masterclass in Chinese Whispers.

"He's used you to buy a house he couldn't afford alone." Yeah, with his own money, none from OP.

"This has the makings of a crime story."!

"He's driving without a license." I've seen no mention of him driving.

It's sad but I think you are being sensible to confront rather than hide from the issue and make a Plan B that priorities your DD and yourself. Your partner sounds a bit immature - like he didn't comprehend how tiring it is living with a child full time and he now has regrets but isn't able to communicate about them properly. The fact that he doesn't get the impact he can have on your DD by ignoring her is more evidence that he isn't ready for this IMO.

Going to see your parents at the weekend is a good idea. Think carefully about where you spend Christmas as well. Can you go to your parents instead of potentially being miserable at home?

Sending strength and hugs

God this is so sad but you have to leave. If he’s not signed a deed of trust, the starting presumption is that you own the house in equal shares. I’d ask him to give you enough money to set you up in a new rental and then transfer the house to him. I take it you have not put any money into it and that he could take the mortgage on on his own.

But 18 months is not enough time - it’s really not. You say you want advice for going forward, not to rake over the past, but it’s relevant and you can’t allow this to happen again. Presumably you started house hunting a few months before buying and you’ve lived there a while too so you would have house hunted or talked about it earlier than 18 months. You need to wait longer and you need to have lived together I’d say for about a year or more in rented before you buy together.

He's not a good person if he takes this out on DD. The first time you mentioned it should have been the last time and he should have changed his behaviour sharpish. Please don’t get involved with a person like this again. People on here go on about how step parents should just do their own thing and not interact much with stepkids but you need the opposite. You need someone who is 100% prepared to treat her as his own and do things for her out of kindness and with zero complaints.

All is not lost. Get set up in a rental, move out, transfer the home and then thank your lucky stars you didn’t get pregnant by him or anything like that. Then if you meet someone else, take it very very slow and rent together if you have to live together at all.

If he sells the other one (and fast enough - it was a year, is it longer now?) he'll get the £20K back, won't he?

I think this is unsalvageable and you need - as gently as possible - to end the relationship. As it sounds like he's not happy, you might be able to do it and still be kind to each other.

It’s only been a month, he paid the deposit on the house, you pay 50/50 on the mortgage? You aren’t losing out on anything. Just the months mortgage you have paid (maybe 2 months), you let him keep the house and mortgage and get the hell out of there. I have a feeling it’s all been rushed and you are both now regretting it. Your dd needs to come first. growing up in a home where you don’t feel wanted will cause your dd so much damage and trauma. Move ing back out now and going back to just you and dd will just show her that she means everything to you and that you want to protect her. I’m guessing if you stay this relationship will become abusive.

Far more women have their own home after divorce yet move a man in.

Society dictates that a woman should be part of a couple and it takes strength not to abide to that.

Sadly, the pressure comes from other women, family, friends, work colleagues.

Read the whole thread, and what strikes me is that when you had the difficult conversation with him, he was wasn''t very upset, embarrassed, devastated, ashamed. He really doesn't care, he knows he cant change,

Kepp squirreling away money and get ready to move on.

@Peclet I’ve been thinking that all morning. He’s at work today and I haven’t even heard from him. I was so upset last night, I thought he’d have checked in. I’m looking at rental listings at the moment!

I suspect this has very little to do with your daughter, and everything to do with him being a person with an unstable mood pattern, which is way more common than you think, and something that doesn't reveal itself until you live with someone.

I wouldn’t leave just yet…
first, take the pressure off of him. It’s not helping anyone - he’s not behaving ideally, but, this is a big change for everyone involved.
secondly, ask him to just stop the negative behaviours - slamming doors, etc. tell him something along the lines of “you don’t have to behave like a parent . If you read to her once a week, that’s great, or take her to the park. But for now, I just want you to be pleasant to her every day. Say hello, nod and listen when she’s talking to you, but you can just go off to the other room if you want time out”
if it doesn’t change then perhaps it’s time to leave. I think you’re expecting a little much from him atm - if he’s just neutral towards her, and isn’t being horrible, perhaps just not constantly engaged, I’d say that’s fine. As long as if you were sick and her dad couldn’t take her, he’d be willing to help out for a bit

@Potatosaladsalsa

It's not up to the OP to take the pressure off, it's up to him to behave like a functioning adult.

@haveimadeamistake

When you tell someone that it's important to your relationship that they change a behaviour and they say "I'll try", that means they have no intention of changing.

He has lied to you at least twice on important things, the driver's license and your DD's place in his life. Both of these are things that he knew you wanted in a partner, so he lied to 'get you'. You can't really trust what he says. What else has he lied about?

He's 'struggling' and will not discuss it with you. Is this what you want? A partner who hides and broods on things?

So what if he's talking about DD's Xmas gifts. That's an easy gesture to make, isn't it? Buy something rather than spend time with her? And chances are you'll be the one to buy and wrap the gifts.

You say he should have had some idea of what living with a child means. I'm still of the opinion that he charmed her to get you. So they were calculated 'temporary' gestures that he was doing to put 'best foot forward' with the knowledge that once he 'had you' he wouldn't need to do them anymore.

No kitten. I know DD will take it hard, but you don't want to add another complication to the mix.

This needs to be made 'real' in your head. I think you really need to talk to your folks, especially if you may have to stay with them before you get 'unentangled' from the house. And double yes to talking to solicitor friend. Good legal advice is worth its weight in gold.

Don't be asking DD about him, if she 'likes' him. You certainly don't want to stay simply because she 'likes' him, do you? Don't bog yourself down with thoughts of 'staying for the child'.

Do NOT put one penny piece more into the property. Yes, you should pay your share of the mortgage. But do NOT invest in repairs or improvements. With the possibility of selling at 6 months, chances are you're going to be walking away with nothing (or very little) so you need to be saving what money you can.

I think this is very clearly reasoned op: you can forgive yourself an “ in hindsight” mistake but not an eyes wide open mistake - which I think staying would be .

Sorry OP but yes this was a mistake. And I think what he meant last night by hinting that it's not just your daughter that's the problem, was YOU. He was trying to put you on the back foot so that you have to appease him. It's what abusers do, have you jumping from foot to foot, walking on eggshells to keep them happy and prioritise their needs. He's not happy that you've called him out on his bad behaviour (and it is bad behaviour-what kind of man can't be nice to a 3 year old for a few minutes a day when he's actively pursued living together?!) so his next tactic is to make you feel bad, stop you complaining by pretending that you need to try harder to please him. It's not going to get better.

Get out now. You will end up feeling tiny and insecure and, if you stay much longer, there could be consequences for your daughter in later life (emotional, psychological). Never ever believe that treatment by adult caregivers won’t affect younger kids - it will. You deserve better, and so does your little girl.

Do you own a full 50% of the house, OP, or 50% minus the deposit DP put in? The info from your solicitor will tell you.

He’s not her stepdad though is he? A stepparent is a part of a child’s life, not just an add on.
A stepparent is someone who you could trust to leave your child with, I could be wrong but I don’t get the impression that OP would be comfortable doing this.

OP, I feel for you, sounds as though you are putting things in place to make the move away from this situation. Glad you have stuck around on here to listen to the advice.

OP, kindly, I don’t think you are grasping that every day you stay in this situation you are facilitating the harm towards your daughter. You need to stop making excuses and get out of there. I realise this is easier said than done but be a decent mother and put your child first. This situation will cause her lifelong damage.

Everyday you stay damages your daughter. Both his treatment of her directly, and her absorbing how he treats you.

He is vile, a liar ( the licence won’t be the only thing ), and actively unkind to a child. Please disregard what your DD says about him, children being abused by their parents still love them, it means nothing that she claims to like him. She is a wee girl, you need to be making the decisions here, not asking her opinion.

This should be the honeymoon period, but he’s already showing you who he is and what to expect. He will continue to grind you down, gaslight you and abuse your DD until you really can’t see a way out. Please get out now, waiting for it to improve won’t work.