Moved in with partner and I might have made a huge mistake…

[haveimadeamistake]

Moved in with my partner a month ago and I feel sick to my stomach that I’ve made a huge, huge mistake. I have a 3 and a half year old, he’s always been amazing with her but since we moved in it’s like a switch has been flipped. Some days he just won’t even acknowledge her, but others he’ll sit down and play puzzles with her or teach her things. I can’t deal with not knowing what version we’re going to get, I feel like I’m on eggshells and I hate that my daughter is getting this hot/cold treatment. He says he’s struggling to adjust to having his routine etc upended, and when I ask him if he can make more effort with her, he says that she doesn’t speak to him so why should he - she’s 3 and he’s a grown adult! To clarify, I don’t expect him to step into any sort of parenting role - I just want him to try and make an effort to make her feel welcome in her own home…

Weve had so many conversations about it, and it seems like he takes it on board but after a day or two, it’s back to how it was. I hate it. I feel like he sees her as a nuisance. I just feel like this situation isn’t what I signed up for, it’s not how he was before we moved in. Even things like his hobbies, he said he did xyz on Wednesday evenings and went to the gym after work - he’s done none of this.

I know 100% I need to put my daughter first, but I’m torn between whether that means sticking this out and giving her a beautiful home in a beautiful place (she’s just moved nursery and absolutely loves it here!) or cutting my losses and going back to it just being the 2 of us. To complicate matters further, we bought this place and I would be in no position to buy another property if we split - he paid 100% of the deposit so I have no equity in the house…

I just feel sick. I want things to get better. Also to clarify, he isn’t and never has been violent to either of us and that isn’t a concern I have. I just don’t know if he’s ever going to be able to get used to this being his new way of life!

@Alicecatto this is how I feel at the moment. It has only been a month, but we both seem miserable and I can’t see it changing but who knows. I’ve completed a Clare’s Law disclosure request, if anything comes out of that then I’ll leave immediately. We won’t be able to sell for 6 months as it will be unmortgageable. He might want to sell his rented out property and take over this place alone. I just don’t think any of this is able to be resolved immediately. I’ve given him essentially an ultimatum, and I’m making plans to leave.

Name change fail?

People are really kicking this lady when she's down and it's so unnecessary.

It doesn't sound like she was asking her DD to make her decision but to try and see how DD is feeling and how affected she is currently so that she, as the mother, can make an assessment of how much time she has to find them a new home or wait to see if there's something temporary going on with her partner.

What a nightmare, have you spoken to your ex landlord just in case it doesn't work,out with their new tenants? You never know. Also could you afford to take over his part of the mortgage as rent or mortgage payments if he were to move out u til you can both sell? Just some practical ideas might make it a little easier.

Abusive men aren’t like this all the time, or we would never get with them, never mind stay with them.

From your posts we have all learned that he lies, he ignores your child, he gives sarcastic one liners to her, he walks away from her, she irritates him, he resents doing things like putting together furniture for her, he slams doors in frustration because he doesn’t like living in the house with a child.

It only takes a few seconds OP when your eye is off the ball for him to snap if she’s pestering him.

I feel uneasy about you telling him not to ignore her, because if that’s what he has to do to keep his cool, then I would leave him to it. But I would absolutely not be waiting round for some arbitrary date when you feel you’ve waited enough time for him to change. Especially after the way the chat went today.

You really don’t know this man or the potential temper he has.

Why on earth did your mum allow this dreadful treatment of you? I hope he still not with him.

Move out, whatever it takes.

He laughed when you found out he was lying? How did you find out?

Best to cancel Christmas dinner sooner rather than later—gives everyone a chance to figure something else out. It’s not fair on the guests to leave it too late.

And NO to the kitten. As you say, this will drastically impact which rentals you’ll be eligible for.

@MemorableTrenchcoat I’m not sure who that was but it wasn’t me!

Have you considered suggesting couples counselling or therapy for him?

I feel like we've all jumped to it being completely unfixable / him having pretended to be a completely different person for 18 months and you need to move out and sell the house but could he actually have an avoidant attachment style? The negative effects of that are often triggered by a commitment in a relationship e.g. proposal, moving in, marriage.

He may literally be overwhelmed and not dealing with it in a very good way. It could be worth a try. I'd say whether or not he is willing to try the counselling gives you immediate answers about his ability to change / commitment to you and DD.

Apologies, must have been someone trying to stir the pot 🙄

@Fluffyiguana what he did say last night when I got upset over dinner was that it’s not just DD he’s struggling with. I couldn’t get much more out of him, he said it’s bittersweet for him then said he didn’t want to say anymore despite me probing him further. I’m not sure what he meant, but he lost his mum a couple of years ago and the money in the house was from her. He now has zero savings (obviously equity in 2 properties, but nothing liquid if that makes sense), we’ve had multiple issues come to the light in the house that aren’t going to be cheap to fix, and I have a feeling it’s a combination of these things that he’s struggling with. Not excusing his behaviour as I still think it’s unacceptable to take any of that out on DD, but I don’t think it’s as simple as him just being a shit. I just don’t know how to get any more out of him.

Sounds like you have your head in the sand. You say he’s not abusive but ignoring a small child and blowing hot and cold with the child is emotional abuse. It’s also wrong of you to ask a small child if she likes him. You’re putting words in her mouth by phrasing the question like that. Living happily with no tension in a council house has got to be preferable for your daughter to her current situation. Please put your daughter before any notion of a big family Christmas.

Life normally isn’t simple op, and people aren’t “ just shit” very often, so I’d agree it’s probably something complicated.

However, you’ve got some strong signals here that don’t bode well for the relationship even if he isn’t all bad . The fact he struggles to communicate and struggles to be kind to your dd are not small character flaws when it comes to getting involved. I do understand the financial complications but they really are relatively surmountable , whereas I don’t think his behavioural issues are.

Sorry, mistake on my part
I meant OP should give it a chance

I see. That's a tough situation for sure. Obviously if there is a result with Clare's law, you have to get the heck out of there sooner rather than later. I do think from what you said your partner has a lot to deal with really, and it may take some time. Again, I'm not dismissing your feelings or excusing his behaviour whatsover. I wish you the best of luck, OP.

Sorry, mistake on my part

You don't have to be single forever cos you have a child. I have a wonderful stepdad who came into my life when I was 10 and my little sister was 5.
You just have to be careful and put your kids first and take your time. Don't introduce your child to everyone you might date, get to know them first, if you think they are someone you could get serious about, introduce them as a friend and see how they interact with them, build from there trial them living with you full-time before you give up your home and security etc. go slow and pay attention and you will be fine. X

He also had a stepdad himself, I really thought he’d understand the impact of either being a good or a bad one.

Do you know for definite if he has this other property? Unfortunately once someone lies about something as simple as a car licence. You need to question all past conversations. It's not nice. And he may be telling the truth for the most part. But for me it seems as he has been selling himself as this wonderful catch. Car licence. Already own a property. Brilliant with you and your daughter. Now he is with you 24/7 it's been unsustainable.
Some men and women. Do this to win someone they think is otherwise out of their league. In their eyes. So he may have low self esteem. That or he knows exactly what he's doing and does this all the time.
Either way. He has now shown himself to be untrustworthy and he knows this.
Whilst your doing things to leave. He is also doing things to get you to stay. He is panicking because he's been found out. By saying very limited to you he's giving himself time. By not showing you all his cards he is allowing himself time to keep you there.
I'll try to change i promise. A few weeks down the line. Another chat. I am trying I'll try harder. Weeks go by.
In the meantime he's tangling you into his life until your so caught up with the push pull of the relationship you stay because it's what you have become used to.
He's game playing.

Yes, moving in together was a mistake but a with hindsight one.

However, staying now you know how he is treating your child is a mistake you are choosing to make and one that will badly affect your child unless you move back out.

I don’t have much to add other than I don’t disagree with giving yourself time and broadly you are doing the right thing.

you’ve learned a very hard lesson here.

he will either improve (except he won’t) or you can extract yourself in your own time (very very likely the latter).

in your position with your options….I would likely do the same…
I would also talk about reducing your mortgage contributions so you can build a fund to rent he can see how viable it is for him to keep the house on his own

regarding the Cat
DO NOT GET THE CAT.
no matter how hard it is do not buckle. It will create so many more problems down the road than it solves now.
get one in a year or two when it’s all settled down.

you could try and find a cat cafe or similar near you as a plan b….

The kitten would just be another thing that sets him off.

He will probably be a cunt to it as well when it suits him.

The overwhelmingly negative reaction to your story is genuine shock and concern at your appalling parenting, nothing to do with bullying.

How does he behave towards you on his so called bad days?

If he's absolutely normal with you then it would appear not to be a "bad day" at all, in which case it's intentional.

If he can be polite and normal with you but treat your DD differently it's not the same as someone having a bad day iie a bit tired and overwhelmed and a bit snappy with everyone.

It sounds like scapegoating and if that's how he deals with his emotions then it's not really going to change unless he acknowledges it and seeks help for it.

As someone else suggested would he be willing to get therapy or counselling?