Moved in with partner and I might have made a huge mistake…

[haveimadeamistake]

Moved in with my partner a month ago and I feel sick to my stomach that I’ve made a huge, huge mistake. I have a 3 and a half year old, he’s always been amazing with her but since we moved in it’s like a switch has been flipped. Some days he just won’t even acknowledge her, but others he’ll sit down and play puzzles with her or teach her things. I can’t deal with not knowing what version we’re going to get, I feel like I’m on eggshells and I hate that my daughter is getting this hot/cold treatment. He says he’s struggling to adjust to having his routine etc upended, and when I ask him if he can make more effort with her, he says that she doesn’t speak to him so why should he - she’s 3 and he’s a grown adult! To clarify, I don’t expect him to step into any sort of parenting role - I just want him to try and make an effort to make her feel welcome in her own home…

Weve had so many conversations about it, and it seems like he takes it on board but after a day or two, it’s back to how it was. I hate it. I feel like he sees her as a nuisance. I just feel like this situation isn’t what I signed up for, it’s not how he was before we moved in. Even things like his hobbies, he said he did xyz on Wednesday evenings and went to the gym after work - he’s done none of this.

I know 100% I need to put my daughter first, but I’m torn between whether that means sticking this out and giving her a beautiful home in a beautiful place (she’s just moved nursery and absolutely loves it here!) or cutting my losses and going back to it just being the 2 of us. To complicate matters further, we bought this place and I would be in no position to buy another property if we split - he paid 100% of the deposit so I have no equity in the house…

I just feel sick. I want things to get better. Also to clarify, he isn’t and never has been violent to either of us and that isn’t a concern I have. I just don’t know if he’s ever going to be able to get used to this being his new way of life!

I wonder if the mortgage company would agree a mortgage holiday if you told them the situation and then look to sell asap? It may be he doesn’t want to sell now and (subject to financial situation) could find a way to buy you out if he does indeed have other property. I assume selling now would lose him his deposit given you’d have paid stamp duty and unlikely to make back more than you have just paid to cover it?
in many ways it’s lucky for you as apart from the monthly payments you’ve got no skin in the game in terms of equity at risk, it’s more just protecting yourself from him defaulting on payment and affecting your credit rating.

all this sort of consideration is fixable though and none of it matters compared with your daughters well being. It will all work out and you’re doing the right thing x

Fair enough. I didn't mean for my question to sound snarky - sorry.

I'm really sorry things have ended up like this. It's a good idea to speak to your solicitor friend today to see where you stand - remember to take along all the info about your mortgage, eg penalties for early repayment.

Good luck with sorting it all out. You and your dd deserve better. 💐

I really feel for you, OP. You sound like a lovely caring mum and your DD is lucky she has you. Sounds like the only way out is to sell the house. It wont be easy but take advice and get on with it. Best case scenario is that he also has regrets and wants out so will cooperate. You never know, the house may have gone up in value. Good luck with it all.

OP, don't beat yourself up, he was interacting well with her before you moved in together, so how on earth could you know that it would change. If he now won't discuss the situation then it's never going to improve.

He is unhappy, you are unhappy, so unless you can resolve this, then for everyone's sake, especially your DD, then the relationship needs to end.

She's three, she won't remember any upheaval. But asking her if she likes living with him in the light of what you've shared is emotional manipulative – you're coaching her that she should say yes when you already know it's not a good environment for her! Don't put it on her little shoulders.

Asking and involving the child is incredibly wrong.

Please contact women's aid ASAP. You don't seem to be realizing the gravity of what you are doing to your vulnerable child.

Sorry but no. Op made a huge mistake in not getting that information before buying a house together.

@haveimadeamistake please do what you need to do in your own time and when you have a home in place. It's all very well people saying just leave, it's not always that simple unless you want to make yourself homeless or are happy to be spending a fair old while in one room in a grothole. I lived with someone like this for a few years many years ago- luckily not with kids- he totally lied about all kinds of things, his job being one, never told me about his previous convictions for drink driving , was quite the charmer!! Had champagne tastes and beer money wages- became very controlling and I realised at one point was stealing off me - just bits of things going missing . I'm afraid there are some real Walter mittys out there and many come over as nice, interested, well adjusted people to start with.

The fact this guy lied about driving and hobbies etc means I think he has a bit of a screw loose, why lie about stuff like this- I wouldn't be suprised if he hasn't lied about having another property .

I doubt he's dangerous, more of a bit of a sad sack - so I would make your plans as purposefully as you can - sort somewhere out, even if not in the same area - I am presuming you work etc - does this tie you to that area?

I know others won't think like me but my personal view is carry on and put yourself in the best position going forward- and set yourself a time frame.

Whose idea was the house, and the kitten?

She is 3, you don't ask her.
She may very well give a different reply in 10 minutes time, or 10 hours time or 10 days time - YOU are the adult, you look after her and you deal with the situation YOU have put your child in.

and as for a kitten FFS so ok she will be upset for a little while but you do not get a kitten now, maybe in the future when you are settled in your new home.

and please Christmas plans - for goodness sake ! that's not happening now is it ?!!!

Also it's really not fair on others to beat this lady up- many of us no doubt have made stupid decisions we regretted , the important thing is to learn from them and get yourself out the situation with as little fuss as possible.

And forget about kittens and fluff ! If you need to get out you want as few complications as possible -

If he slams doors when she hasn't even been home all weekend . Then he obviously doesn't have the patience for children .
Longterm this doesn't work.
If you had more the kids the treatment would be so different that your dd would notice.
18 months was far to soon to commit to a house buy. Especially given he obviously lies and you don't know him as well as you think.
Doesn't matter how nice the house is . How do you know he won't lose his temper with her? If he can slam stuff and ignore her then that's probably just the beginning.
She is not going to get easier . She is 3 . She will have lots of years of challenging behaviour to navigate.

Have you considered that it’s a difficult transition for him too, you seem to be expecting too much and making the situation worse by keep telling him how to behave around your daughter.
I’d ease off a bit and give it more time.

I can totally see how it can just never come up.

I live in central London. I have no idea if people I know have driving licences. Nobody owns a car. I only found out my husband could drive when we went on holiday somewhere where driving was required (about two years and three holidays into dating).

The lying is unacceptable, but if you live somewhere where people don’t drive, not having a licence isn’t a big deal.

Don't be ridiculous. Expecting a grown adult who has chosen to live with a three year old child not to completely ignore that child is too much?

Who are you??

I’d disagree.

My partner had a son when I met him (still does!) and I didn’t have any children.

Moving into his sons life was a transition, and it did take some getting used to - it’s a total priority shift, but I wasn’t rude to him while I was learning those ropes.

There should be a minimum expectation that people who choose to get involved in somebody’s child’s life do so wholeheartedly, or don’t bother. There is no middle ground, you’re either in or you’re out.

Maybe he does need some transition time, but being a dick in the meantime, and not properly considering the impact of moving in with a child, is still on him.

This! I am an honest person and I was made to feel like I had to lie my whole childhood for fear of my “stepdad” going off on one. I felt like I had to act like I liked him to keep the peace so he wouldn’t be horrible to me or batter my mum. I also knew instinctively to lie or omit the truth about my home life to outsiders. However, every teacher in my school knew and so did all the neighbours and no one did anything. As a social worker now, I can’t believe that I never had any SS involvement. Apart from maybe the fact it was the 90’s and “domestics” weren’t taken that seriously.

On that note, how verbal is your 3 year old? Mine is a right chatty Cathy and will tell
you about her whole day. Even parts that you wouldn’t expect her to note. Education workers have training on safeguarding and child protection. Your daughter innocently saying “oh I was a bit scared last night coz mummy’s boyfriend slammed the door” is probably enough for a nursery worker to call SS and warrant a deeper conversation.

You have already noted this man is cruel to your baby, he’s a liar and misrepresented himself. There will be more to add to this the longer you stay. Stop dithering and get out NOW!

OP there are so many women here who were your daughter. Made by their mothers to live with men who resented and disliked them.

You said it's better when he's at work because she's sheltered from him.

SHELTERED??

Her home and family should be her shelter!

Well done for realising you made a mistake with this one.

But you're going down the sunk cost fallacy route, and saying you need to give it a chance.

It's your child who needs a chance - not to become one of those women who remembers what it was like.

@haveimadeamistake i 100% wouldn’t get a kitten. She’ll get over the sadness of this.

OP i do think it was a bit rash to buy a house having never lived together. especially with a child...

If you think there's potential i'd maybe go an talk to a couples therapist to see if he can open up in a more neutral setting as the 180 in behaviour is a bit weird.

but ultimately, your daughter comes first and if he finds it difficult to have basic civility towards a child then there's not much hope.

It won't get better. We knew my step-dad before he became my step-dad. He seemed like the most fun guy on the planet, the life and soul. It didn't take very long after him moving in for him to show who he really was, and he didn't get any better. As a young kid I remember being so shocked when it turned out he was actually a miserable man and quite spiteful. But we were stuck financially. If you can move, do it, because growing up in a house with an adult who doesn't seem to like you is awful.

Yeah, it has been a month. How about this...talk to him, and give it six months. In the interim, save up some money for a deposit for a place if it doesn't work out. That way, you aren't left in a bad spot, you both try to work it out (it is a big adjustment for him...not excusing his behaviour, mind) and then if it isn't any good, you can leave. If you leave straight away, you are putting yourself in a tough position with no place to live.

What is he playing at?