Moved in with partner and I might have made a huge mistake…

[haveimadeamistake]

Moved in with my partner a month ago and I feel sick to my stomach that I’ve made a huge, huge mistake. I have a 3 and a half year old, he’s always been amazing with her but since we moved in it’s like a switch has been flipped. Some days he just won’t even acknowledge her, but others he’ll sit down and play puzzles with her or teach her things. I can’t deal with not knowing what version we’re going to get, I feel like I’m on eggshells and I hate that my daughter is getting this hot/cold treatment. He says he’s struggling to adjust to having his routine etc upended, and when I ask him if he can make more effort with her, he says that she doesn’t speak to him so why should he - she’s 3 and he’s a grown adult! To clarify, I don’t expect him to step into any sort of parenting role - I just want him to try and make an effort to make her feel welcome in her own home…

Weve had so many conversations about it, and it seems like he takes it on board but after a day or two, it’s back to how it was. I hate it. I feel like he sees her as a nuisance. I just feel like this situation isn’t what I signed up for, it’s not how he was before we moved in. Even things like his hobbies, he said he did xyz on Wednesday evenings and went to the gym after work - he’s done none of this.

I know 100% I need to put my daughter first, but I’m torn between whether that means sticking this out and giving her a beautiful home in a beautiful place (she’s just moved nursery and absolutely loves it here!) or cutting my losses and going back to it just being the 2 of us. To complicate matters further, we bought this place and I would be in no position to buy another property if we split - he paid 100% of the deposit so I have no equity in the house…

I just feel sick. I want things to get better. Also to clarify, he isn’t and never has been violent to either of us and that isn’t a concern I have. I just don’t know if he’s ever going to be able to get used to this being his new way of life!

To those saying I should have left already and I’m not putting my DD first, I want to make this as smooth a transition as possible for her! I don’t want to jump into rash decisions and upend our lives for the 2nd time in as many months. I asked her this morning if she liked DP, she said yes. I asked her if she liked living with him, she said yes. She said she doesn’t like it when he goes to work because she wants him to stay here. I know we still need to leave before she does become unhappy, but at this very moment in time she’s fairly sheltered from him as he’s at work 9-5 Mon-Fri and I can do things with her just the two of us at the weekends. I need to get my ducks in a row!

Don't be too hard on yourself op.
You took a chance on a better life, loving partner, owning your own home in a lovely area etc.
It clearly hasn't worked out, but you're not burying your head in the stand as many would/do.
Yes it's a mess, but you'll be fine, just get out as soon as you can, your daughter will be incredibly damaged sharing a home with him longterm (which you know).
You're doing your best, we all make mistakes, it's ok, just start making plans to get back on track

Depressing but true, with how expensive rent is these days there must be more women putting up with shitty men than there has been in like 40 years. It's even worse when you get a mortgage together

Give her a flipping chance! It’s been about 16h since her first post and she’s been asleep for half of them She is allowed to post on her about feeling sad about Christmas and kittens whilst she is taking other actions. She is also allowed not to have asked STBXP about every discrepancy.

If you are losing patience, stop posting.

Why don't you know he didn't have a driving license? Wasn't the fact that he didn't have a car/never drove a clue?

He has lied

1. hobby
2. gym
3. provisional license

What else don't you know? Does he really own the second property? Is he in debt?

Is he at the property all the time? Does he have a second family?

For me, the trust would be gone.

And that's secondary to how he is relating to DD and his reaction to your discussions... 'he'll try'. 🙄

@BellissimoGecko he lived in the city, said he didn’t need a car so didn’t see the point in the extra expense. I said I’d add him to my insurance, he said he’d rather get the bus. I was suspicious but he convinced me he was telling the truth. Should have trusted my gut then, so I am now!

Children are hard wired to keep themselves safe.

She will say what she thinks she needs to say to keep herself safe, and that includes protecting her relationship with you. She knows you've been excited and mummy loves the new house and the boyfriend. Ask any abused child if they ever told the truth in a similar situation? They didn't because they know it isn't safe to and the most important thing in her world is her relationship with you and keeping that online. Because by definition she is incredibly vulnerable.

She is NEVER going to tell you that she's confused and a bit scared and completely bewildered, because that isn't how it goes for three year olds. You need to pull your big girl pants up and make your own decisions, not ask for advice from your DD.

I know plenty of people with a license who don’t have a car, if you live close to a station/tube station and get groceries delivered, then you don’t necessarily need one and it’s expensive to own and run a car if you rarely need it.

Enough with the pound shop Poirots trying to make OP feel like she should have spotted a lie because THEY are so clever and would have done.

👆👆👆 this

I know it feels like shit love, I've been there...but just keep wading through it and eventually you'll be back on safe ground and you and DD can start to recover. Concentrate on doing for now, and then your feelings will come later - I only realised that my XH was a liar very gradually after being together for much longer, it's a shock, it's difficult to take it in/accept that it's real, especially as he's been "nice" some of the time, or you wouldn't have considered getting a place together.

He clearly has options regarding keeping the new place - assuming his other property is real of course - so just do what you need to do to look after the two of you. You're not able to trust him now, he is very clearly showing who he is...and there is a better life for you and DD out there I promise.

You can’t look to your child for validation on your choices . A 3 year old doesn’t see what you see .

OP people giving you a hard time are being cruel and unfair. You sound like an amazing mum because you’ve not once pretended like this is an ok situation and your child is clearly your priority. You are alive to what needs to happen, but it’s totally reasonable that this is going to take some time and logistics to now unravel from him.

It would be good to get some advice on how you can extricate yourselves from the house and find somewhere to rent whilst also not having to pay for the mortgage at the same time. If he can get a lodger that could work for you both whilst you sort out a sale? Might be good to get advice just to protect yourself from a situation in which he defaults on the mortgage etc.

It might feel overwhelming now but it is possible to get out and the sooner you sort it the sooner you can move on with your lives.

All the very best OP. Well done for posting and for following your gut when it was worried.

Signing off now to avoid the holier than thou-ness, which is far more worthy of impatience than anything you are doing.

Don't beat yourself up, you did what you thought was a good thing, and let's face it, he really put on a good act didn't he?
The bad news is that he won't change. It's not who he is. He might manage a spell of being kind to your daughter but it won't last. He's fundamentally an unkind and unsympathetic person. Even if he's finding it hard to be around a young child, he knows he's being mean to her and upsetting her, but he carries on.
Many years ago I was your daughter and my mum stayed. We would both have had happier lives if she hadn't. My memories of him are all about the many times he was unkind to me, the times he lost his rag with me, and wanting to be out of the house as much as I could to avoid him. My memories of us all living together are of her trying to keep the peace between us, trying to keep me out of situations where he would be unkind to me, trying to intervene when he made me cry. I left home at 19.

I see now there's no helping you. You asked your 3 year old?! What were you expecting? So because she didn't say she hated him, it's ok to stay?

You absolutely don't have to treat a child like your own to be nice to them or act like you like them. How do you treat other people's kids then?

Do you know what the early repayment charge is for your mortgage?

I think I need to give it a chance

Does he have kids of his own?

If he's not happy either, and isn't talking to you about how to make things work, then I'd say, it's probably not going to work. The lying is also a bit concerning tbh. Communication is clearly an issue!

I also grew up with this situation and wouldn't wish it on anyone.

He's a liar. Please get yourself out of this situation. He saw you as a meal ticket