Moved in with partner and I might have made a huge mistake…

[haveimadeamistake]

Moved in with my partner a month ago and I feel sick to my stomach that I’ve made a huge, huge mistake. I have a 3 and a half year old, he’s always been amazing with her but since we moved in it’s like a switch has been flipped. Some days he just won’t even acknowledge her, but others he’ll sit down and play puzzles with her or teach her things. I can’t deal with not knowing what version we’re going to get, I feel like I’m on eggshells and I hate that my daughter is getting this hot/cold treatment. He says he’s struggling to adjust to having his routine etc upended, and when I ask him if he can make more effort with her, he says that she doesn’t speak to him so why should he - she’s 3 and he’s a grown adult! To clarify, I don’t expect him to step into any sort of parenting role - I just want him to try and make an effort to make her feel welcome in her own home…

Weve had so many conversations about it, and it seems like he takes it on board but after a day or two, it’s back to how it was. I hate it. I feel like he sees her as a nuisance. I just feel like this situation isn’t what I signed up for, it’s not how he was before we moved in. Even things like his hobbies, he said he did xyz on Wednesday evenings and went to the gym after work - he’s done none of this.

I know 100% I need to put my daughter first, but I’m torn between whether that means sticking this out and giving her a beautiful home in a beautiful place (she’s just moved nursery and absolutely loves it here!) or cutting my losses and going back to it just being the 2 of us. To complicate matters further, we bought this place and I would be in no position to buy another property if we split - he paid 100% of the deposit so I have no equity in the house…

I just feel sick. I want things to get better. Also to clarify, he isn’t and never has been violent to either of us and that isn’t a concern I have. I just don’t know if he’s ever going to be able to get used to this being his new way of life!

He’s been talking about what to buy DD for Christmas etc, so it’s not all completely awful. We did do lots of things as a 3 before we moved in. He’d take her to the park, carry her on his shoulders, play silly games. He’d stay over most weekends and even during the week sometimes, so it’s not like he barely saw her and this is a complete shock… I feel like he should have had some sort of inclination as to what he was getting into before we bought the house. It was a massive financial decision for him. He owns another property so it’s not that he was using me to get on the property ladder etc.

Why?

@PunnyJoker he didn’t tell me, I found his provisional license. I was annoyed but he didn’t seem to think it was a big deal.

Also, I’m not saying I’m not going to leave because we have Xmas plans! It’s just another thing that makes me sad about the whole situation. It’s all the plans for the future just falling apart, and the embarrassment of having to tell everyone. They’ll all be supportive because I’ll be doing what’s best for DD, but I can still feel sad about it can’t I?

Okay so he's a liar. That makes things simpler in a way. He's not a guy who's been totally genuine but suddenly got cold feet as he found things harder than he expected. He's willing to deliberately deceive you. I wouldn't be able to trust that any of the things he said were in good faith, he might have just been acting that way to get you to commit to the relationship.

Wow.
That's a big lie, it's a fundamental life skill that is crucial to many adult activities/logistics.

In a way it's good you know this.

You now know you're dealing with someone who in a very short time has lied to you in a big way, so your decision to leave should be less riven with doubt.

He is not a good life partner.

Why were you so quick to introduce a strange man into your baby's life?

If you didn't feel sad about this op you'd be a psychopath.

It's big, horrid and miserable. But you're extracting yourself from a situation that it took two to create and one of whom isn't living up to the deal... So it's the lowest point in a direction of positive change.

It just doesn't look like positive change because the new reality is less bright than what you thought you had... Though that was an illusion ... It was never real... But you thought it was.

We spoke last night. Well, I spoke mostly! He just said I can’t expect him to change overnight.
I hope you pointed out to him that he HAD changed overnight, from an interested, fun and positive presence in your daughter's life to a hostile and cruel dark cloud.

There's a saying - when you find yourself on the wrong train, get off at the first station. The longer you stay on, the more expensive the return trip is going to be.

Sounds like he's regretting moving in together too, but taking his disappointment out on an innocent child is appalling and tells you a lot about his character (as does lying about having a driver's licence).

OK I understand these things can take time and it’s perfectly ok to feel sad at the end of what you thought was going to be an amazing chapter of your life. But please appreciate this situation IS completely awful and don’t worry about kittens and Christmas. Being emotionally neglectful and abusive to a child is not balanced out by “talking about buying Christmas presents”.

As many of us have said it’s fairly clear he was wearing a mask to deceive you,and concealed his true feelings about your child so there’s no point wondering why he now struggles to get on with your child despite seemingly enjoying her company before.

And if you do date again maybe do some work to be more vigilant and examine why you turned a blind eye to certain things.

A man lying about having a drivers licence is not “annoying” it’s huge bright red glaring flag waving at you and you should’ve been alarmed. It’s fine not to drive but it’s the fact he lied about it and was happy to keep on deceiving you. Do your best to get out asap

This!

Christmas and kittens should not even be on the radar screen.

@haveimadeamistake leaving now will be a tiny blip that your Dd won’t remember .
Staying ahy longer will be damaging .
This is her home her safe space her happy place. He is making it that it is not .

Talk to your legal friend.
Get help to get a rental in place and get the house up for sale. The sooner it’s all done the better .

please don’t stay in a relationship though after you leave. .He is not the man you want or that your Dd needs in her life.

You had your eyes on the fairytale castle, and ignored the warning signs along the road.

He's driving without a license, he lied about this and he thinks it's funny. This tells you a lot about who he is. I'm not sure when you found this out but this really should have been a huge waving red flag in terms of putting your daughter in his path, as well as in his car.

He might be talking about what to buy DD for Christmas but that's hardly something to be heartened by. Any dickead can make an online purchase, there are so many posts on this thread by adult women who were "bought" by abusive step parents. You don't need to ask him to change. Someone who is being emotionally cruel by stonewalling a small child isn't worth your breath. Get her out of there.

Please, open your eyes. You need to extract yourself from this situation, not dig yourself in futher with Christmas plans and a kitten. Start today by getting legal advice regarding the house, and telling your trusted friends and family members and asking for support.

Well, yes. Feel sad all you want

But you need to DO not FEEL

There's a lot of me me me in this thread

Put your daughter first

Act now, get away, make sure your daughter is safe and happy

Now

This thread is just shocking and full of nasty bullies, and shows how damagingly widespread Marie Claire-type pop psychology is. Baffling how many of you are keen to make devastating psychological diagnoses and judgments about other people’s personalities and lives you have never met. Spare me your poundshop psych speak and hysterical, sensationalist ‘concerns’.
I bet many of you have husbands and partners who aren’t great with you or your children and this is your opportunity to smugly look down on other women trying to figure out their family life. Honestly just pathetic. Mumsnet at its worst.

In your post op though, you say he isn’t going to the gym and doing the things he said he did on weeknight evenings either

Did you meet this man online, OP? I know all men can lie, but I’ve found the ones I met online often lied more about things like their daily routine.

Exactly. She is concerned about the facade. Not taking the situation seriously

OK, so he could sell his other property and afford to buy you out, put money into his current mortgage, lowering the rate, so he could afford it by himself, if that's what he wants. If he doesn't, he has options.
You really didn't give it enough time to know him, otherwise you'd of uncovered the driving licence lie. That he thought little of lying about it, can be added to all the other masking behaviour of showing you a fake version of himself to suck you in. He was out to impress, and convince and had no moral qualms about lying to do do that, even though it would heavily impact yours and your DC's life.
That would give me a total ick, and he is in cloud cookoo land making any future plans - shows he already thinks he's tied you enough to be stuck, so he doesn't need to try. It's tiring having to 'try' all the time, because it takes effort to be fake all the time ( why he hasn't kept it up). He wouldn't need to try at all, it would be effortless if genuine. He's come unstuck by his own lies.
Realistically, it's probably going to be hard to sort out your living situation this side of Christmas, you can give him options now though and see how far his ability to try goes when faced with you leaving, despite all he's done to tie you to him.
I'd say something like" have a think, decide how you'd like to proceed, either you buy me out (by selling other property if that's what it takes) or we sell the home. Either way, I want enough for a rental deposit. You've got till NY to let me know your decision". I think there's no coming back from this, and this relationship should be done. If he can't stand you leaving him, he should be at least bending over backwards between now and NY ( though, you can't trust now that it would become a permanent change).

Contact the landlord you know let them know the situation they might help you out?

You know the real him now and it's nasty.

I think it's important to realise that the person he was presenting you with wasn't the real him, you've now got the real him. The door slamming, cold, stonewalling, mean spirited him is real. A kitten isn't going to help your DD one bit.

He can't "change" because he was acting a part in order to get you in the bag, and what you've got now is what there is. His foot is off the gas because he feels you're reeled in and caught and won't go anywhere, which is really common in cases of abuse. Prove him wrong.