Moved in with partner and I might have made a huge mistake…

[haveimadeamistake]

Moved in with my partner a month ago and I feel sick to my stomach that I’ve made a huge, huge mistake. I have a 3 and a half year old, he’s always been amazing with her but since we moved in it’s like a switch has been flipped. Some days he just won’t even acknowledge her, but others he’ll sit down and play puzzles with her or teach her things. I can’t deal with not knowing what version we’re going to get, I feel like I’m on eggshells and I hate that my daughter is getting this hot/cold treatment. He says he’s struggling to adjust to having his routine etc upended, and when I ask him if he can make more effort with her, he says that she doesn’t speak to him so why should he - she’s 3 and he’s a grown adult! To clarify, I don’t expect him to step into any sort of parenting role - I just want him to try and make an effort to make her feel welcome in her own home…

Weve had so many conversations about it, and it seems like he takes it on board but after a day or two, it’s back to how it was. I hate it. I feel like he sees her as a nuisance. I just feel like this situation isn’t what I signed up for, it’s not how he was before we moved in. Even things like his hobbies, he said he did xyz on Wednesday evenings and went to the gym after work - he’s done none of this.

I know 100% I need to put my daughter first, but I’m torn between whether that means sticking this out and giving her a beautiful home in a beautiful place (she’s just moved nursery and absolutely loves it here!) or cutting my losses and going back to it just being the 2 of us. To complicate matters further, we bought this place and I would be in no position to buy another property if we split - he paid 100% of the deposit so I have no equity in the house…

I just feel sick. I want things to get better. Also to clarify, he isn’t and never has been violent to either of us and that isn’t a concern I have. I just don’t know if he’s ever going to be able to get used to this being his new way of life!

Do consider whether you can buy him out and keep it as a buy-to-let, while you rent for a while. You could even let it to him and maybe a friend for a while if you can stay amicable!

This seems unlikely, given OP said he needed her wage to get the mortgage - I would assume vice versa is true too

@Tenminutesegment753 i feel like he’s misrepresented himself. I also found out he doesn’t have a driving license, he told me he did… I’m not sure he was ever going to tell me!

If he is otherwise a good person, I would give it a bit more time.

With comments like this I wonder if I am on same thread.

An otherwise good person is someone who leaves dirty wet towels on floor, forgets to change replace loo roll, has the odd one too many beers twice a year...

They do not ignore a 3 year old.

Slam the door when she is crying after she hurt herself

Ignores her and act like she isn't there

Refers to her bedroom furnitures as kids shit.

Throw this one back OP. Speak to your solicitor friend, meanwhile fast forward the movie on this one. He makes an effort, placates you enough, you get pregnant... As certain as night follows day you will be back on here. Where I can assure you moving out after one month will seem like a walk in a summers meadow compared to what you will face.

It must be very disappointing, the embarrassment though is yours, it does take someone putting their child above and beyond to do what you will do. Not every mother would - as attested to by one or two on here.

With every post you make, I want to come and help you pack up.

A raging liar as well as cruel to toddlers.

Leave and don't look back. Remember, quicker you do it, the more it will be a distant memory.

Gosh this is awful OP, I feel so sorry for you.

Have that chat with your friend. And yes, he has definitely lied about himself. I'm afraid you do need to break up. The embarrassment won't be as bad as the harm he is doing to your daughter.

It doesn't sound as though you actually know him, op. He has just presented a front to you.

He's lied and seems very calculating.

Well done for protecting your child. There are so many awful tales of women who put some awful man ahead of their children.

OP were you doing lots of things together as a three before moving in? Did he stay over at your old place a lot? My feeling is (and I may be wrong) is that you saw him independently of DD quite a lot and maybe he only played a small part in her life? It’s easy to be the perfect stepparent when you’re only having to do it once or twice a week. I do think you’ve jumped the gun by moving in so early in your relationship, but I do think you know that.

The thing is, life isn’t a fairytale. Even if you are the perfect family on paper, the reality is that no person can provide another person with a “fairytale” life. The reality of life isn’t like that and you have to stop searching for and expecting life to look like this. I don’t mean this in a harsh way but just in the sense that you will always be disappointed if you are waiting for a fairytale ending.

Oh well that’s it then. I wouldn’t give him more time to change.

Lying about having a driving licence when you don’t, is a pretty major lie, not to mention a pretty stupid one.

That is quite concerning actually. How much about his financial background background? And I hate to to say it, but does he have a criminal background?

Edited post to say: don’t want to be alarmist but check out Sarah’s law just in case. You can’t be too careful.

Has he never had a driver's licence or has he lost it for drinking-driving/speeding etc?

I’m so sorry.

This changes things. I mean. Maybe your in an area for example in London or there abouts where I know many people don't have the need for cars with the tube. So to lie about something as important as a driving licence, im unsure how he thought he would get away with this. What else is he lying about? Because so far the lies you have found out so far are quite important. I think allow him to think your OK for now. Whilst making plans to leave. No a kitten would further tie you to him. The pet thing is what they tend to use against you in the future. Do not tie yourself to this person any further than you have.
I don't know him. But people that lie. When these lies are found out they go on the defensive.

The update on him lying about having a drivers license is just further proof that his man is highly deceptive and manipulative.

I knew he was an awful person but I wasn’t sure how intentional he had been with all this. Now hearing this I am fairly certain he planned all this. He knew what he was doing by putting on an act of being playful and affectionate with your child until you moved in. He had no intention of continuing the Nice Guy act though.

He knew you wouldn’t have entertained him without him connecting with your child, so he deliberately put on his mask to trick both of you . I’m so sorry.

This man could be hiding all sorts, please leave asap.

You chose to completely ignore the rest of my post McNicey

He’s not going to change, because it takes a special type of low life to not even acknowledge a child and behave like he is. And he’s also dishonest.

you need to say it out loud and you need to leave. Don’t get the kitten. He won’t treat it well.

this isn’t your fault. He’s a bad person. And abnormal. He hid it. And now he can’t even bring himself to hide it, it’s impacting him that much. The more comfortable he gets the worse it will get. And your daughter must be so confused,

what did he say when you said you’d need to leave? Trying to change seems a very non commital don’t give a shit response.

For god's sake, don't get an innocent animal. Really not fair to pull an innocent animal into this toxic situation.

You really seem to lack a sense of urgency. Stop making finances the primary consideration. Get your child out of this.

Seriously? The OP posted less than 24h ago and she has already made some plans - talked to him and been underwhelmed with his response, sussed out a solicitor friend etc.

When women are leaving relationships we often post about getting ducks in a row and that is what she is doing. What is the point of berating her? She’s on it.

Do you have any family who could put the two of you up while you figure out how to move out and find a new place etc? Honestly I would want my daughter out of there today if possible. Wouldn't want her to be anywhere near this arsehole. Please confide in your support network who may be able to help you OP. As a matter of urgency.

Honestly this is quite worrying too, he's really misrepresented himself

I dont understand why he needs time to be a normal person and have common curtesy and decency. I think it takes more effort to ignore someone than it does to acknowledge them.

I think the talking with your solicitor friend is a good idea. I think you need to come up with an exit strategy.

Don't get a kitten it will make renting more difficult.

I dont imagine you want to have sex with such a nasty wankee but if you do absolutely don't get pregnant.

If you're reluctant to leave straight away I think you need to consider how long are you going to give him to start acting like a normal human being. Set a time limit in your mind and stuck to it.

Even if he fixes up I wouldn't add any additional commitments or ties for at least 2 years. You need to see if he can sustain the change.

Never had a driving license. He laughed it off when I found out.

We could stay at my parents but it’s over an hour away, would be v cramped and I’d have no childcare there as we’d all be working. I’m going to stay there this weekend though and will probably let them know then what the situation is.

We’ve got plans for a huge family Christmas here too. :(

If he said he had a driving licence, presumably he also lied about why he doesn't have a car/isn't driving at the moment.

please don’t be concerned about Xmas and kittens, really the issue you have is enormous and life changing, please leave. Do not subject your child to this further. I know it’s hard.

I cant see anything from the OP that says they are definitely going to leave. Still seem to be dithering to me. And I get it. It must be soul destroying to have to give up on the ‘fairy tale’.

I think he’s used you OP and you need to extricate yourself and your child from that house and that relationship. I hope you have support in RL.

Please pull out of getting a kitten for now. Life is already difficult and you don't know how he will deal with an innocent kitten. His track record isn't great so far.

It takes a brave and strong woman to walk away after such a short time. Be that woman. Don't worry how it looks to others. No one is walking in your shoes. Just share it with the bare minimum of people you can trust and who will support.

I would contact your old landlord and find out the status of your old rental. Ask if you can get a cat! These things have a strange way of working out.