Moved in with partner and I might have made a huge mistake…

[haveimadeamistake]

Moved in with my partner a month ago and I feel sick to my stomach that I’ve made a huge, huge mistake. I have a 3 and a half year old, he’s always been amazing with her but since we moved in it’s like a switch has been flipped. Some days he just won’t even acknowledge her, but others he’ll sit down and play puzzles with her or teach her things. I can’t deal with not knowing what version we’re going to get, I feel like I’m on eggshells and I hate that my daughter is getting this hot/cold treatment. He says he’s struggling to adjust to having his routine etc upended, and when I ask him if he can make more effort with her, he says that she doesn’t speak to him so why should he - she’s 3 and he’s a grown adult! To clarify, I don’t expect him to step into any sort of parenting role - I just want him to try and make an effort to make her feel welcome in her own home…

Weve had so many conversations about it, and it seems like he takes it on board but after a day or two, it’s back to how it was. I hate it. I feel like he sees her as a nuisance. I just feel like this situation isn’t what I signed up for, it’s not how he was before we moved in. Even things like his hobbies, he said he did xyz on Wednesday evenings and went to the gym after work - he’s done none of this.

I know 100% I need to put my daughter first, but I’m torn between whether that means sticking this out and giving her a beautiful home in a beautiful place (she’s just moved nursery and absolutely loves it here!) or cutting my losses and going back to it just being the 2 of us. To complicate matters further, we bought this place and I would be in no position to buy another property if we split - he paid 100% of the deposit so I have no equity in the house…

I just feel sick. I want things to get better. Also to clarify, he isn’t and never has been violent to either of us and that isn’t a concern I have. I just don’t know if he’s ever going to be able to get used to this being his new way of life!

OP you need a serious talk to him. The way he is behaving towards her will cause her lifelong damage as her home is no longer safe. He needs to understand that he either has to get over whatever is going on with him, or if he can’t you need to work out how you are going to split up.

Maybe he’ll be able to give his head a wobble.

Morning. We spoke last night. Well, I spoke mostly! He just said I can’t expect him to change overnight. I said I can expect him to acknowledge DD and be pleasant to her overnight, that isn’t a difficult thing to do. I said he needs to change, he said he’ll try. I said if he can’t then I need to leave. I’m not in a position to make a rash decision and leave immediately, so this way I can see how things go and make plans in the background to get out. DD is my priority and I’ll be making sure that she has all of my attention and extra time with me to make her feel secure.

I thought I might feel a bit more positive this morning, but I just feel deflated.

Oh op. 💐

It's an act of parental love but not one of romantic optimism.

Take care of yourself but you're being a good mum to your most important person.

His response was rather limp which I suppose is part of why you feel deflated. 🫤

Well done for talking to him, OP.

I’m sorry to hear this OP but it’s not surprising because what you’ve already described is the mark of an awful person. This isn’t about adjusting. This is not a good or decent adult to treat a baby like this!

I’m childfree and I’ve lived with toddlers twice in my life (due to living with friends who had kids) I could never have treated any child like that.

For instance my friends toddler would insist on giving me a hug anytime he saw me heading out and one time he was covered with chocolate and so my top ended up chocolatey!

Had to change quickly and run for the train. Was it a bit irritating? Yes! But did I resent him for it or ignore him next time I seen him - no! And I knew I’d miss those sticky hugs when I moved out and I sure do 😂

I have lots of male friends and relatives and genuinely don’t know any one of them who would behave so cruelly to a child and have to “try” to be half-decent to a toddler. It should come naturally to him. Your daughter deserves to live with adults who celebrate and love her, not someone who grits their teeth to tolerate her.

Hopefully while you plan your exit he will become a bit kinder to your daughter so she can at least have a nicer experience before
you move out, but I think it would be very unwise to stay even if he does a 180 because he’s shown what he capable of and his true feelings.

We were supposed to be getting a kitten this weekend. DD will be devastated but I think I need to pull out? It’s another thing to add into the mix and would make it even harder to get a rental when it comes to that, wouldn’t it?

Honestly things won’t change. He shouldn’t have to make an effort to be pleasant to your daughter. I really would cut my losses now before you get more involved or pregnant.

Yes of course don’t get the kitten with him. You don’t want to create any additional ties with this person or make it more difficult for you to move.

Maybe you can get one when you move into your new place to help your daughter to adjust.

Agree, do not get the kitten, it will make it harder to get a rental. Maybe say to DD that you need to wait until spring so the kitten can play outside safely when it’s warm, or something like that?

Yes, don’t complicate with a kitten.

Truthfully op, I don’t think things are going to improve. If anything, things tend to be best early on; no one really “adjusts” to children if they just don’t like being round them. His resentment of her seems really odd, and I suspect it runs much deeper than even he realises.

The worst thing is it is clearly impacting her if you say he winds her up. She’s learning very negative things about human interaction that will affect her development - and especially her relationships with men - for life if it isn’t remedied asap.

I think you know what you have to do. I’m sorry about the complications - but a home with her mother where she is welcomed and loved and not walking on eggshells or fielding scary adult mood changes is a beautiful home from a child’s perspective.

Oof. I'm not surprised you feel deflated after that conversation @haveimadeamistake. Did he seem like he even WANTS to change? Did he acknowledge how badly he's been behaving? Or was he just defensive?

That’s a brilliant idea. Turn the move into an exciting thing which in her mind will be all about the new kitten.

@DowntonNabby not really. I had to specifically ask him ‘do you feel about ignoring her’ and he said ‘yes’… I had to say ‘can you do something about it and change’ and he said ‘I’ll try’. It’s like drawing blood from a stone.

I suspect he’ll come home from work later tonight so he doesn’t see her before bed but we’ll see.

My best friend is a solicitor so I’m going to try and have a chat to her today. I just don’t really want to say it out loud, makes it real!

I agree with this!

Going from no children at all, to having a full on three year old full time is a massive change.

If he is otherwise a good person, I would give it a bit more time.

In your post op though, you say he isn’t going to the gym and doing the things he said he did on weeknight evenings either. Does that mean he lied or does he not have the energy now he has a family?

If it is the former then this points to the fact that he misrepresented himself at a fundamental level and him not interacting well with your dd is one major issue in a sea of other issues. In which case, be careful. 💐

Itcsounds to me as though he is feeling exactly the same as you op, that he has made a mistake and would like to unravel the move.

It may be he is more cooperative about it ( deposit etc) than you expect.

The longer you are there, the stronger your DD tries to bond with him while also probably feeling aware of rejection. I think you have a DP who craves to be your centre of attention and put first. These men make for poor parents and even with their own DC's feel pushed out and act like their nose has been put out of joint. I suspect he'd be similar with any of his own future DC's too, so if you were planning that in your future, that would create further big problems.
There's nothing like rejection of your child to kill a mothers affections for a man either, so you might be starting to see him in a different light too. It's like a personal rejection- reject my child, and you're rejecting me, that's a natural reaction.
It's time to be adult and responsible unfortunately. Hopefully, he's giving you a way in to discuss this calmly by voicing and agreeing that he is unhappy too. The best you can do is make a reasonable plan as to how you can go your separate ways. As your DD is only 3, you've obviously moved this relationship at too fast a pace without giving it time to assess him (probably egged on by him).

Any man can turn on the charm, with a mother's DC, for short periods of time when dating, but there's a world of difference between that and the day to day of living together. It's hard, finding this out now, not to be bitter about his attitude, but if in your mind you can cut him enough slack that he might not have realised himself how he'd be ( though he most likely did, and was putting on an act) it will help negotiating a split in a more harmonious way. Feign empathy with him if you have to, but get him to agree its not working ( might be less hard than you think).
He has been foolish to not protect his investment in the house, and you could legally go for half of it all, despite not putting as much into it, but that would just encourage his wrath understandably. But also, you have taken a big emotional risk and upended your life, so do perhaps deserve some assistance and recognition from his part it this mess, without being greedy. I think a solution, could look like him acknowledging putting you in a difficult position, by letting you walk away with enough for a rental deposite after the house is sold - it's the decent thing on his part, it's the middle ground, it's not being greedy, and I'd put that to him. If he is not going to be reasonable with that, you could threaten hardball, on the grounds that he may well just as much have used you and your income to get a house he would not have been able to afford on his own either.
Hopefully, he can see reason, but if not, you do have some power to push him for what you need going forwards.

I know how you feel OP - I moved in with my ex and knew I'd made a mistake. I moved county, my 8 year old DD moved school, I moved jobs. We completely upended our lives. 12 weeks later I moved back as he just changed the instant we lived there into a seriously controlling person. Luckily DD went straight back to her old school and we went to my parents and it all worked out, but it's so so hard to admit to yourself when it isn't working.

And we'd been together 4 years! Carefully cultivated relationship, built things very slowly with my DD etc did everything right! He just hid very well for a very long time what he was really like.

Oh my god please leave. It breaks my heart to think of him ignoring your child and you walking on eggshells around him. I’m sorry but he sounds an immature pig.

He'll 'try'? How utterly pathetic, she is 3 years old!

His non committal responses to you trying to raise your concerns with him speak volumes.
”Mmmm”
“I’ll try”
He isn’t going to change, he regrets it too, is feeling all of the same anxieties as you but hasn’t got the balls to say so.
Pull the plaster off now …… and DON’T get a kitten.
Good Luck OP

He's showing you who he is with his answers. You can either accept he's always going to be hot-and-cold with her and that will inevitably damage her emotional development or you can speak to your best friend about leaving. I know what I'd do.

I still find it baffling that you bought a house with him after only 18 months of a relationship but never tried living together first. Was that his idea?

His response sounds immature to me. He should feel terrible for taking his moods out on a young child. Another red flag, I’d say. No wonder you’re deflated.

If she’s your best friend, she’ll understand and support you, whatever you decide. Do consider whether you can buy him out and keep it as a buy-to-let, while you rent for a while. You could even let it to him and maybe a friend for a while if you can stay amicable!

If it’s your dream home, you may be able to move back into it later down the line, once some of the mortgage is paid off and it’s gone up in value and/or your earnings go up once you no longer have childcare costs. You may be able to get a 100% buy-to-let mortgage so he can get his deposit back.

Lots of people own a buy-to-let while renting themselves, as an investment to allow them to buy later. Would also save you estate agent fees for selling.

I agree: he regrets it and wants you to move out.

He isn’t going to try. If you are capable of being that mean to a toddler you aren’t suddenly going to find reserves of empathy and kindness. His real attitude will always be lurking in the background, ready to seep out when pressure is put on it, and that’s if he even makes the effort to try with her.

You have to remove your child from this op.

It sounds to me as though he is hoping the same thing.