Moved in with partner and I might have made a huge mistake…

[haveimadeamistake]

Moved in with my partner a month ago and I feel sick to my stomach that I’ve made a huge, huge mistake. I have a 3 and a half year old, he’s always been amazing with her but since we moved in it’s like a switch has been flipped. Some days he just won’t even acknowledge her, but others he’ll sit down and play puzzles with her or teach her things. I can’t deal with not knowing what version we’re going to get, I feel like I’m on eggshells and I hate that my daughter is getting this hot/cold treatment. He says he’s struggling to adjust to having his routine etc upended, and when I ask him if he can make more effort with her, he says that she doesn’t speak to him so why should he - she’s 3 and he’s a grown adult! To clarify, I don’t expect him to step into any sort of parenting role - I just want him to try and make an effort to make her feel welcome in her own home…

Weve had so many conversations about it, and it seems like he takes it on board but after a day or two, it’s back to how it was. I hate it. I feel like he sees her as a nuisance. I just feel like this situation isn’t what I signed up for, it’s not how he was before we moved in. Even things like his hobbies, he said he did xyz on Wednesday evenings and went to the gym after work - he’s done none of this.

I know 100% I need to put my daughter first, but I’m torn between whether that means sticking this out and giving her a beautiful home in a beautiful place (she’s just moved nursery and absolutely loves it here!) or cutting my losses and going back to it just being the 2 of us. To complicate matters further, we bought this place and I would be in no position to buy another property if we split - he paid 100% of the deposit so I have no equity in the house…

I just feel sick. I want things to get better. Also to clarify, he isn’t and never has been violent to either of us and that isn’t a concern I have. I just don’t know if he’s ever going to be able to get used to this being his new way of life!

Op perhaps your daughter loves her new nursery mainly because she is out of the house and is free of your partner. She will be trying so hard to please him for you but I bet she’s feeling very sad inside.

please leave this man straight away and take her to anywhere else. The house sounds more like a prison than any kind of dream house. I don’t understand why you’re keen to keep discussing this with him. She wants to go - so go.

Please don't leave her alone with him.

You moved in with someone, with a mortgage and a 3 YO they’re not the father of, after only 18 months and having not trialled a rental together.
If you’d posted this up before you went ahead with it, the overwhelming response would have been “don’t”.
Was your DD father fully on board with her moving in with a strange man? Because even after 18 months, that’s exactly what he is.

18 months and you have a child! And you have already bought a house?! Are you mad!?? Get your child out of this situation. You never should have put her in it in the first place for a man you'd barely known for 5 minutes!

As someone else asked, how much time had you actually spent together before buying the house? I don't mean the honeymoon phase but proper time?

If you'd only been together for eighteen months, you must've made the decision to purchase a property together after approx ten-twelve months. I'm gobsmacked they either of you genuinely thought it could work out with such a young child.

I would not leave your OH on his own with your DD. I would also seek proper legal advice before having another conversation with him. Shelter maybe able to advise you whilst you wait for a solicitor appointment.

Oh my god, get your daughter out of there

I’m truly sorry that you’re in this position, but you are being honest and not trying to minimise what’s happening.

This isn’t going to work and he’s not kind, and he’s not giving you anything positive going forward. His behaviour really is not good. Accepting things are a difficult transition for everyone he should not be slamming doors and ignoring your child who is the innocent person in all of this. He shouldn’t be referring to her bedroom furniture as “shit”. His true character and colours are on full display here.

It’s hard, upsetting and disappointing but you need to plan for the future without him and this home. He’s also admitted he isn’t happy and is certainly showing you this in terrible ways. There’s really nothing adult about his behaviour.

Be brave and cut your losses and do everything you need to do to disentangle yourself from this. You’ve said your parents will help you so accept their help and get yourself back on track away from this.

I could actually accept someone being a little quiet whilst they adjust to a new lifestyle and living situation, but his behaviour isn’t acceptable. It’s cruel.

Well done for facing up to the situation you’re in, but please don’t ignore these terrible warning signs. You’re worried, he’s not happy and your child absolutely doesn’t deserve to be treated in this way. Good luck.

Completely agree.
What is she meant to do, jump in a fucking time machine...

It sounds like this situation isn't working for any of you sadly and I can't see a way round it from your posts.

You've both been caught up in the fantasy it seems - you with the stable big house and dream life, him with being able to seamlessly segue onto a dad type role just because he can play fun games occasionally with your DD for 10 minutes.

Parenting and just being around toddlers and preschoolers is exhausting and relentless and unforgiving a lot of the time - and ironically he's acting like a child in response, slamming doors, giving your DD the silent treatment, seeing things as tit for tat. He's not ready for this and it was not the right decision.

You'll find a way to sell the house and move forward. The relief will be worth it.

Exactly. OP needs positive reinforcement to change the situation. Not reflect on the past that can’t be changed. Moving forward is the only way. She’s also being brave and honest realising this isn’t right.

She needs help and support in extricating himself from this situation.

Eighteen months? You bought a home together with some guy you'd only known for a matter of months? When you have a toddler to care for and safeguard?

Why was your mind focusing on your love life instead of making the best home possible for your daughter without introducing a strange man into her life?

I'm sorry but this is beyond a mistake. I weep for your daughter. Do you have any idea of the damage being done to her still-being-wired young brain? You need to get it together and get her out of there and into a home with just you and her, whatever it takes.

exactly, I have no other words as this is just insane.

OP, I was that child for a few years. I was a couple of years older than your DD. My step dad would totally ignore me like I didn't exist and then it spiralled into me and my mum not being allowed to communicate either. I didn't have contact with my father. It's really hurtful to be treated like this and do think that affected my self esteem. Please leave this man and go by the rule that if a man doesn't treat your daughter well then he really doesn't love you. This first 5 years of your daughter's life are the most important in terms of development. Please don't drag this out any longer. Make a plan and leave asap.

Listen to your gut, love. It's telling you you've made a wrong move for all of you.

And the faster you put it right, the better for you all. Dragging on with a man who finds he does not after all like the child you come with or the reality of family life will only harm you all. What must this be doing to your daughter?

Is there any chance of getting your old home back?

And DON'T GET PREGNANT.

Did nobody in your life talk to you about this? Friends? Family? Just watched you buy a house with someone you only just met. I just can’t fathom this whole situation. You hardly know him really. Your poor child.

Out of interest, do you have any siblings?
If you don’t/didnt, would you still feel that way and no resentment/sadness about it?

only asking because I am a single mum of 1. He’s only 2 and I fell pregnant at 19 so am still fairly young but feel so torn on the ‘do I give another man a chance’ or ‘do I potentially never have another child and remain single till my boy is all grown up.’

the risk of having a boyfriend/step dad is so high that I don’t think I even want to go there.. but then there’s a part of me that think maybe I could meet someone really nice and I should have a little faith. I feel really guilty about never giving my son a sibling and him not having that bond bcus I have 4 siblings and they’re everything to me.

Dexter looks like my own mum. My father was always cold and distant with us. Not to mention years of verbal and physical abuse ( he was beating us). When - as an adult- I asked her why she never left her answer was that at least we had a father. Yeah, right . She ( my mother) is still feeling sorry for herself because mygrandma divorced my grandfather when my mum was two years old because he was a cheater. So even if you have a mom who has a backbone it’s not always enough. Ah and what my father ‘s legacy was in my life? Years and years of unsuitable relationships where I put myself in dangerous/ unsafe/ unhealthy situations. Finally at 37 I decided to have therapy, which saved me. Was single for a while, then I met my amazing husband and had a baby. But I almost risked being alone for my entire life because of the unhealthy patterns passed down to me.

Yes , they are terrifying. My own mother is one of them. She is a narcissist, according to my therapist. She is interested only in getting her own way.

OP I think posting on here was a mistake.

Not your fault, but you've attracted a lot of very misguided people on here IMO and I hate the bullying stance, especially with regard to Dexter77, who just didn't deserve that ridiculous reaction.

My advice is to go by your gut and see how it goes and just be there emotionally for your daughter in the meantime. Good luck.

She's 3 and he didn't even say hello to her when she has been away all weekend? He sounds like a fucking awful person. You need to be much more angry with him about this.

Whatever the eventual outcome, it is totally unacceptable to take his feelings out on a toddler, he needs to grow the fuck up.

Hi @haveimadeamistake, sorry to hear things have started so badly.

Please don’t despair. Moving forward, it sounds like you and your DP need to openly communicate about how to improve things, at very least until you’re in a position to move on. When your DD is next at her dad’s, arrange a good talk. First, ask him why he’s unhappy and what he suggests doing about it. It’s not clear if he lived alone before, but moving in with a young child is a big adjustment. It can be hard for people to understand the reality. He may have seen you in a different light in ‘mummy mode’. You need to fully understand where his head’s at, whether he wants to fix it and how. Have you got to know his family and friends? If so, try to find out what they think about you living together.

You also need to openly communicate with him and let him know your DD will always be your priority, that him taking his moods out on her by not speaking to her is completely unacceptable and it has given you great cause for concern. Tell him this cannot happen any more. If he’s feeling upset, he should be pleasant to her and then remove himself to a spare bedroom or go for a walk until he feels in a better headspace.

Meanwhile, you need to research your options. Don’t tell him this. Act like you want to fix it.

Seek confidential advice from your mortgage company about any financial penalties for selling and paying off the mortgage. Find a local estate agent you like and feel you can trust (preferably a woman) and explain your situation. Ask for a valuation on your house and if they have any landlords on their books who prefer to let to people with children and are looking to let long term. Some landlords prefer tenants with children as they’re more likely to look after their home. Contact local landlord associations and do the same. Find out what your home would rent for and ask the mortgage company about options of switching to a buy-to-let mortgage in just your name, allowing you to buy him out.

Speak to the council about whether you’d be entitled to put your name down for a council home. Some councils don’t allow home owners to go on the list. But if you say there’s signs of domestic abuse (emotional abuse) or a risk to your daughter’s wellbeing, they may make an exception while the house is being sold.

All this information is vital to deciding next steps. For example, if there are mortgage penalties (you can’t afford) for selling within 12 months, you know your options are to continue living there (with boundaries in place to protect your daughter) until that point or to buy him out via a buy-to-let mortgage. I’d think carefully about moving out while you remain on the mortgage, even if he’s willing to cover all the mortgage or via getting a lodger, he may get into arrears and, if he refuses to sell, you’d have to take him to court. It may be better to remain (and view him as a housemate/lodger) until you can sell. Good luck!

I was the youngest of three so I can’t really speak as an only child! However after my Dad left at age 4, I wanted a sister and asked my mum to have one for years lol I gave this desire up immediately when I learnt about reproduction and realised it would involve a new man! 😂

But definitely IME thinking back to a lot of the kids I worked with as a former educator, not every only child wants a sibling. Especially not in those circumstances where it would mean they had a different parent from them and would have to share their home with a strange man/woman and in many cases would be treated differently. We see it on here all the time, people upset their kids step-grandparents /aunties etc don’t see both kids the same way.

Does your son have cousins? I only had brothers and was jealous of my only child friend who was surrounded by girl cousins that were like sisters, since I didn’t grow up with any cousins around me!

I did have a friend who had a lovely step dad from age 9. I was a bit jealous of her growing up as he was so nice and much better than my own bio dad ! Didn’t have his own kids or want any, but treated her like his own from what I could see.

But interestingly in our 20s she confided in me she had always resented him as it had changed the dynamics of her home when her mum got with him . He didn’t even move in until she was 18 but he was still around a lot and she would’ve preferred him not to be,
but did understand her mums desire companionship and he was nice to her so had never said anything before.

She ended up being a single parent herself from when her kids were toddlers and a decade later has never seriously dated and I think that may be why.