Moved in with partner and I might have made a huge mistake…

[haveimadeamistake]

Moved in with my partner a month ago and I feel sick to my stomach that I’ve made a huge, huge mistake. I have a 3 and a half year old, he’s always been amazing with her but since we moved in it’s like a switch has been flipped. Some days he just won’t even acknowledge her, but others he’ll sit down and play puzzles with her or teach her things. I can’t deal with not knowing what version we’re going to get, I feel like I’m on eggshells and I hate that my daughter is getting this hot/cold treatment. He says he’s struggling to adjust to having his routine etc upended, and when I ask him if he can make more effort with her, he says that she doesn’t speak to him so why should he - she’s 3 and he’s a grown adult! To clarify, I don’t expect him to step into any sort of parenting role - I just want him to try and make an effort to make her feel welcome in her own home…

Weve had so many conversations about it, and it seems like he takes it on board but after a day or two, it’s back to how it was. I hate it. I feel like he sees her as a nuisance. I just feel like this situation isn’t what I signed up for, it’s not how he was before we moved in. Even things like his hobbies, he said he did xyz on Wednesday evenings and went to the gym after work - he’s done none of this.

I know 100% I need to put my daughter first, but I’m torn between whether that means sticking this out and giving her a beautiful home in a beautiful place (she’s just moved nursery and absolutely loves it here!) or cutting my losses and going back to it just being the 2 of us. To complicate matters further, we bought this place and I would be in no position to buy another property if we split - he paid 100% of the deposit so I have no equity in the house…

I just feel sick. I want things to get better. Also to clarify, he isn’t and never has been violent to either of us and that isn’t a concern I have. I just don’t know if he’s ever going to be able to get used to this being his new way of life!

'I don’t even know where I’d stand legally. We were supposed to have a minute of agreement which stated he’d get his deposit back and legal fees if anything happened, but he hasn’t signed his copy of it so it hasn’t been filed yet…'

surely that should have been done upon moving in / completion of the sale...

so the choice is your daughter's happiness and safety ' v ' beautiful house...

and right now you are only due half of the 1st month's mortgage payment if it all goes wrong, which I suspect won't even pay one month's rent for deposit and the first month's rent.

how much can / will your parents help ? if at all.

Abusers take on average 18m to 2 years to show themselves

often when a relationship changes - move in, engaged, pregnant, married is when they let masks slip.

this guy is showing you clear as day who he is. The Nice is fake. He can’t keep that up, and the nice will get less and less, the nasty more and more.

there is literally no chance of him ever being the person you thought he was. That was all fake to hook you in.

read Why does he do that by Lundy Bancroft- you’ll see him in this.

you are at risk, your dd is at risk. Make no sudden and obvious move, but make moves to get yourselves out

This.

The OP is one of those many, many posts on here from women with very young children moving in/moving in with the current boyfriend they haven't known 5 minutes (I am aware it's been over a year - just).

Did you not think of your child OP? You could cut your losses on the house and move out. How far away did you move to be with this current boyfriend?

Fairy tales don't exist. Don't teach your dd about that nonsense.

Love this!

Ive been on my own for 3 years now, 10yr, 18 and 22yr old. I went through similar with my 10yr olds dad when my DD's were young.
Have started looking on dating sites but it scares me.
I think I would rather wait until shes older

Can you speak to him about how you feel? Maybe he is struggling with the adjustment especially if he is used to doing what he wants when he wants then this will be a massive change for him. It reads like he wants to make the effort with your daughter (and sometimes does) but at other times he seems distant which might just be him not coping very well with the change in circumstances.

Reading lots of comments on here that are quick to judge him and say leave etc. Perhaps he is struggling and just needs a bit of time.

Did you try living together before buying the place together to see how it would feel/work?

I think you just both need to have an honest chat and see where the land lies for both of you in terms of expectations and what you both see you future being.

Hi OP. Sorry you are in such a difficult situation.

I was about to go against the general consensus here and suggest maybe he does need more help or time to adjust. That was until I read your post about how he didn't talk to her much when she came back from her Dad's. That was really sad to read. He had time apart from her and should have made her feel more welcome. Giving a small child just 5 minutes of your time is not a big ask. A one word answer is not acceptable.

This should be the honeymoon period, the best bit!

I think you know what you need to do. We all make mistakes OP. Could you have a conversation to stay together until your financially able to move apart. Or stay with family temporarily.

Also to clarify, he isn’t and never has been violent to either of us and that isn’t a concern I have

But you didn't have a concern that he would be manipulative and cruel to your little girl, either, did you? He hid this side of himself a treat, didn't he?

No violent man is immediately violent. It often starts off a bit like this. No woman moved into this situation and said, "...of course, I expected him to start hitting my children when they annoyed him."

Perhaps he is struggling and just needs a bit of time

Jesus Christ.

Swearing, moaning, ignoring a toddler.

That's all ok as he needs time?

FFS raise your bar.

I think I would rather wait until shes older

Wise decision. Your 10 year old will thank you for it one day when she’s older.

As an adult I certainly am grateful my mum made those choices for the safety and benefit of me and my 2 siblings!

What would be your first step @haveimadeamistake ? Would it be to ask your parents if you can move in with them?

If that works, how far away is it from DD's new nursery? Does she have a school place and would that be near your parents house? Is their house near to where your rental was? Would you be moving back nearer to your DD's father?

There's a lot to think about, but I think you know what you have to do.

This might be jumping the gun quite a bit but two graves away from my Dad's is that of a little two year old. She did not die of natural causes. It is so very sad and every time I see it I wonder how quickly the escalation happened (it was a stepfather, and the grave is near to her biological father's house/family).

Your DD growing up with low self-esteem is probably the best outcome you could hope for in a situation where she comes home, runs excitedly up to her stepfather to show him her dolly and he grunts 'wow' at her and walks away.

That's apart from the deliberately winding her up.

Sadly I don’t think things will get better. His behaviour suggests that he has realised that he has made a mistake and actually living with a 3yo is much harder than he thought, and not what he wants to be doing. Unfortunately he is showing his frustration and resentment through his childish behaviour rather than having an adult conversation with you to agree the best way forwards.

His behaviour towards your daughter is verging on emotional abuse. I would make plans to extricate yourself asap.

She is a joint owner of the property. She is entitled to 50% of the equity
Less fees and any outstanding mortgage. The minute of agreement which theOP has referred to may gave specified a smaller share for her but has not been signed so has no relevance.

That is dictated by property law

Family law has no relevance here as they are not married. And the Children Act does not apply as the child is hers alone and he has taken no legal responsibility for the child

I also went through a lot when I was a child with my mum having various boyfriends and I dont want my DD to feel how I felt when I was growing up.

Obviously if i miraculously met someone not planned I would take it further but keep it seperate.

@MzHz She doesn't have tenants. She was the tenant.

Were there any signs that he could be horrible before you moved in together? You say he was moaning about building your daughter “shit” for her new bedroom. That’s so nasty and vulgar. Did he never ever talk like that before?

You absolutely must leave him. He’s bullying your child. That is not going to change. Might stay the same, will probably get much worse.

I really feel for you. We all make mistakes but at least you have recognised his behaviour for what it is and are in a good position to move on..do it soon. Before Xmas. Nothing about what you are saying sounds good. Can u move in with your parents for a bit to get yourself sorted. You can get past this.

im so sorry @haveimadeamistake - this sounds so difficult.
im a single mum and I would definitely put my daughter first in this instance.
can you calmly tell him you’re moving out to stay with your parents for a few weeks to give the situation some space whilst you decide what to do??
wish you lots of luck x

If he doesn't even say hello and acknowledge your 3 year old child I'd say he should go in the bin.

Have you had a proper chat with him and asked him how he thinks it will make her feel etc?

He is the adult and she is the child. This would be pissing me off tbh and the longer you let it go on, you're letting your daughter feel like she's unimportant. Agree with other posters... cut your losses if he's like this already

This is a very good idea, if they are local, or maybe in with a friend. Just to get your head clear, OP.

Since you mentioned the furniture building in the first week and how he changed, could something have happened outside your home life?
Might one of his family pointed out the discrepancy in the house purchase? Are there possible lay offs at work, anything? It seems such a quick flip from nice to horrid.
I don't believe it was intentional on his part, having paid the deposit and fees, now it's a real pain to sort.

I'm so sorry op, it sounds so distressing for you and your DD.
It looks like he might be having second thoughts and instead of taking responsibility he's waiting for you to take the lead.
So apart from being emotionally abusive to a child, he's also spineless and immature.

I don't see him improving with time tbh unless he does manage to turn it around imminently after the conversation tonight.

Thinking of you.

I think he did not expect that a child takes a lot of time/ work /effort.

I would not go and say that he might become aggressive- that is a bit too far.
I like kids- for a couple of hours/ half a day- but I can understand him being irritated or just not having strength or will to be engaged with her all the time

I got to page 13 and saw so many pp saying you need to sit him down and have a conversation with him. Apologies if this has already been said but
Do not do that before you talk to a solicitor and/or mortgage expert

Find out what your real options are
and how you can exit the financial obligation (if that is what you want to do).
and the best and safest way to do this.

His rapid behaviour change now that you are committed to the mortgage, sounds sulky and uncaring and is concerning. If your have a sit down without knowing your real options he could well become unpleasant because he's not going to have the house deal he thought he had and will suddenly have to face either selling or finding a lodger to cover your half of the mortgage etc.

Armed with the facts, having had a chance to think through the right course of action for you, and a proposal that will work for both of you and the situation will be less daunting.