Moved in with partner and I might have made a huge mistake…

[haveimadeamistake]

Moved in with my partner a month ago and I feel sick to my stomach that I’ve made a huge, huge mistake. I have a 3 and a half year old, he’s always been amazing with her but since we moved in it’s like a switch has been flipped. Some days he just won’t even acknowledge her, but others he’ll sit down and play puzzles with her or teach her things. I can’t deal with not knowing what version we’re going to get, I feel like I’m on eggshells and I hate that my daughter is getting this hot/cold treatment. He says he’s struggling to adjust to having his routine etc upended, and when I ask him if he can make more effort with her, he says that she doesn’t speak to him so why should he - she’s 3 and he’s a grown adult! To clarify, I don’t expect him to step into any sort of parenting role - I just want him to try and make an effort to make her feel welcome in her own home…

Weve had so many conversations about it, and it seems like he takes it on board but after a day or two, it’s back to how it was. I hate it. I feel like he sees her as a nuisance. I just feel like this situation isn’t what I signed up for, it’s not how he was before we moved in. Even things like his hobbies, he said he did xyz on Wednesday evenings and went to the gym after work - he’s done none of this.

I know 100% I need to put my daughter first, but I’m torn between whether that means sticking this out and giving her a beautiful home in a beautiful place (she’s just moved nursery and absolutely loves it here!) or cutting my losses and going back to it just being the 2 of us. To complicate matters further, we bought this place and I would be in no position to buy another property if we split - he paid 100% of the deposit so I have no equity in the house…

I just feel sick. I want things to get better. Also to clarify, he isn’t and never has been violent to either of us and that isn’t a concern I have. I just don’t know if he’s ever going to be able to get used to this being his new way of life!

Land law is governed by who is on the deeds, subject to any reservations set out by deeds of Trust.

MN is infested by people offering legal opinions who are completely unqualified to do so .

How long have you actually been moved in for?

OP, I think you DO know. It's just shit and disappointing and difficult, and you didn't want it to be like this.

Hanging on for a bit to see if your prince of a boyfriend stops being a vile, petulant, bad-tempered shit to your little girl is not okay.

He does NOT deserve 'the benefit of the doubt.' For an adult man to act like this is appalling, inexcusable and a nasty red flag. I think you're at risk of being reductive over his behaviour.

Get your little girl away from him. She's counting on you to do that right thing for her.

Far from being calculating in using her. Just because he's having trouble bonding with OPs daughter, doesn't make him a bad person

You don’t need to bond with a child to acknowledge them when they’re showing you a toy or they come back in a house. That’s just the bare minimum. I’m not even a parent and I feel like crying reading about how he is cold shouldering this precious child.

He was affectionate and appeared to have fun and “bond” with this same child before moving in.

The way he is now treating her is, as a pp said - showing he is just troubled and annoyed by her mere existence and presence in the house. He totally resents her. I’ve lived with toddlers twice in my life (my female friends kids) and I couldn’t imagine treating anyone’s child like this.

This isn’t going to get any better. OP, I’m sorry you lost your nice private rental but please cut your losses and leave.

He is emotionally abusing your child treating her this way. Do what’s right for your child & move out.

He resents your child.

This isn’t going to get better. Only worse.

There’s no coming back from this I’m afraid.

You need to leave. You can’t be bringing your daughter up in this toxic environment. If you’re upset and walking on eggshells then she’s going to feed off your energy. She’s going to feed off your partners negative energy towards her.

Children are a lot smarter than we think. They pick up on a lot of things we don’t expect them to.

You’ll be embarrassed if you have to leave and find a council property as opposed to a lovely private rented one? So fucking what? Put your daughter and her well-being first!

Sorry OP I misread.

My apologies.

To everyone. I am so sorry I misread it. All advice was with good intention.

I just want to add, I’ve mentioned the ‘beautiful house’ not in a materialistic way and I’m not putting that above my daughter. I mention it because it’s a lovely family home for her to grow up in, with financial stability of owning a property which I couldn’t have done on my own. I’m not saying it’s worth putting up with his behaviour for, just that I’ve been trying to make things work for the stability for my daughter’s sake and to give her a stable home. I’ve recognised that it’s more important to uproot her a little now for a short term, and have longer term stability just the two of us. It’s just hard to accept that the illusion has been shattered, I had such high hopes that we were going to have a bit of a fairytale I think?

@Heartbreakanddamage and @Bibi12, it would be comforting to think the boyfriend's just a bit overwhelmed by the reality of living with a toddler, and could adjust if he makes the effort.

A little girl returns from a weekend away, bounces in to the greet the adult she lives with ... and he blanks her. That's not exhaustion or "not knowing", that's meanness. Whoever the incoming person is - child or adult - it's an overt display of contempt.

He swiftly reversed his enthusiasm to build a lovely room for DD, now grumbling resentment at having to build "the kid's shit". Contempt.

Sadly, this man isn't a good stepdad in the making; he's a selfish, ill-mannered prat.

Yeah, your 50% of the mortgage payment is handy.

He can't hide the fact that your child is an inconvenience to him though.

Sounds like my stepdad, sans the millions and hedonistic lifestyle. The man is a superstar and my mom wouldn't have accepted less.
I never understand parents who get into relationships with little to no expectation of the adults they couple with, in regards to the children ☹️.

It’s not a lovely stable family home for her to grow up in if her mothers boyfriend is an arsehole who resents her. I’m sorry to be blunt, but it’s not.

You can give her a stable home in a council property, a flat, a bloody caravan for all we care. Please put your child first and get out of this toxic environment.

Could you get a rental in the area if she loves the new nursery?

Useless comments. She was running her own house before moving in with him and is paying 50% of the mortgage. 🙄

I'm curious as to how much time you spent in each other's homes before deciding to buy a house together. Were you together constantly or was it just a few overnights a week? In other words – did you have any kind of dry run at living with him before this?

@haveimadeamistake as others have said, it is hard to go from the excitement of 'ooh, look at us buying a house together, not just any house but a house I really like in a good area .. look at us being a family' to 'Shit. This has not worked. I would love to think it will get better but in my heart of hearts I know it won't .. I'm going to feel so stupid letting my ex know, my work, my parents, friends, DD's nursery'.

But you do sound like a lovely mum, because you have noticed that he is not being good to your daughter. It doesn't sit well with you. He is not even begging for forgiveness and saying things will improve. Deep down you know what you have to do. It will be a faff sorting things out, but time will fly and in a year or so's time you'll ask yourself 'what was I thinking?'.

As I'm reading I'm getting flashes of when my DD was that sort of age - times she was excited - I can remember her having her room decorated. If anyone had been sarcastic with her, let alone the person she had to live with everyday, I don't know. It would have hurt so much. Please get her out of there.

How long were you together before you moved in?
I am on my own with a DD and this scares me. x

I believe one week.

Your daughter has you, her constant, kind, loving safe place. You are her stability as you move to a new home, away from this man.

Your P has abused his position in her life, and shown who he is. He's already trying to get her to 'earn' his kindness. What awful behaviour to be around.

It's one thing to be 'getting used to having a child around' and another thing COMPLETELY to be abusive and cruel to a tiny child.

Not one more week of this, OP, surely.

I think OP said 18 months.

My mum was a single parent and I’m so grateful she never moved any men in.
A few of my friends in “blended families” had great stepdads, most unfortunately didn’t and they were at best ambivalent towards them

My mum always said no way in hell was she going to let any man make us uncomfortable in our own homes.

I have single parent friends who date but keep it separate from their children.

Agreed, @NoVirginiaWolf. OP's showing emotional courage.

@haveimadeamistake
Also to clarify, he isn’t and never has been violent to either of us and that isn’t a concern I have.

yet.

but he will.

100% guaranteed. If you stay

get the fuck out as soon as you can safely do.

give notice to your tenants and whenever they can move out, you move back.

you won’t get a council house if you have a house already

OP you said
“ until he starts to wind her up and she gets grumpy and then I have to step in.”

Am I reading this right? A grown man winds up a three year old child until she’s upset and then you have to ‘step in’ and what? Stop him from bullying / badgering / teasing / taunting her?

Why are you allowing a man to treat your child like this?
Just why?

Agreed he could very easily turn violent. This is what scared me when I used to date and after a certain time men would drop their masks and do a 180. It just make me think what else are they hiding?

If, as in this case, a man can go from being sweet and playful to a child for 18 months to now freezing her out and being openly resentful, who knows what other sides of themselves they’re hiding.

It’s like living with a stranger. I mean he’s known her for around half her life and he suddenly resents her. Grim.