Moved in with partner and I might have made a huge mistake…

[haveimadeamistake]

Moved in with my partner a month ago and I feel sick to my stomach that I’ve made a huge, huge mistake. I have a 3 and a half year old, he’s always been amazing with her but since we moved in it’s like a switch has been flipped. Some days he just won’t even acknowledge her, but others he’ll sit down and play puzzles with her or teach her things. I can’t deal with not knowing what version we’re going to get, I feel like I’m on eggshells and I hate that my daughter is getting this hot/cold treatment. He says he’s struggling to adjust to having his routine etc upended, and when I ask him if he can make more effort with her, he says that she doesn’t speak to him so why should he - she’s 3 and he’s a grown adult! To clarify, I don’t expect him to step into any sort of parenting role - I just want him to try and make an effort to make her feel welcome in her own home…

Weve had so many conversations about it, and it seems like he takes it on board but after a day or two, it’s back to how it was. I hate it. I feel like he sees her as a nuisance. I just feel like this situation isn’t what I signed up for, it’s not how he was before we moved in. Even things like his hobbies, he said he did xyz on Wednesday evenings and went to the gym after work - he’s done none of this.

I know 100% I need to put my daughter first, but I’m torn between whether that means sticking this out and giving her a beautiful home in a beautiful place (she’s just moved nursery and absolutely loves it here!) or cutting my losses and going back to it just being the 2 of us. To complicate matters further, we bought this place and I would be in no position to buy another property if we split - he paid 100% of the deposit so I have no equity in the house…

I just feel sick. I want things to get better. Also to clarify, he isn’t and never has been violent to either of us and that isn’t a concern I have. I just don’t know if he’s ever going to be able to get used to this being his new way of life!

I think you might struggle with reading comprehension. I'm not being snide with that, but I think it would help if you read her responses again slower and with more intention.

What’s the basis of your opinion that she is not entitled to any of the deposit?

@haveimadeamistake No house is beautiful enough to allow the damage the damage you and this man will wreak on your daughter if you stay.

If you were a good tenant and your old property is still available, your LL may have you back.

If not, then a happy council house in which your daughter is seen and acknowledged is better than this set up.

Thankfully you put no money into this property and the pig has started to show himself early, so you can hot foot it back out of there.

And please leave before you get pregnant and 'make it complicated'.

he said let’s make DD’s room a priority so it’s really special for her moving in, it’ll be a big transition etc. Fast forward to a week into moving in, and he’s huffing and puffing moaning about how he has to build all of ‘my kid’s shit’ like her furniture etc, which he promised to do. It’s like everything became a hardship. I’m trying to give him the benefit of the doubt

No more benefit. He’s being a complete arse and I think you know this. Leave him to it, he isn’t who you thought he was. I’m really sorry, but this is unrecoverable, he’s got no interest in taking on the role of stepdad. He sees your dd as a burden or an obstacle, he resents her and I think he is now resentful of you for having her in the first place. That would explain his current silence on solutions.

No, the men you have had the misfortune to meet maybe. Most men that I know with kids play a full and equal part raising them.

All these posters saying that men can't/won't raise someone else's child... good God.

Once upon a time there was a man who had fame, money, squillions of pounds etc etc and a totally hedonistic lifestyle. And then he got a girlfriend with a daughter, and he was told in no uncertain terms that a) 'trial period' was subject to the daughter liking him b) if they got on, he was signing up to be a Dad and be 1000% in, making no distinction between this DD and any later children.

Raise your fucking bar.

I’m trying to give him the benefit of the doubt

Why? Hes shown you exactly who he is and you need to put your DD first

@Josette77 @DinosaurMunch i see the local bullies came out to patronise...

Living with a 3 year old can certainly be challenging and it wouldn't be surprising if there were some problems about noise, mess, not having enough time to spend as a couple, bedroom privacy, money, differing approaches to discipline or behaviour for example (same as any parents run into at times)

The thing that worries me is that the situations you describe don't sound like they should be triggering this response. Putting together furniture that he offered to do himself not long ago, responding to her when she's not been around and is in a good mood , should not be making him like this.

If he'd found it difficult to deal with mega tantrum or a destroyed treasured item or lots of broken sleep I'd have more sympathy and think.it could be worked through, maybe.

But it's her very existence that seems to be the trigger and I don't see how that can be ascribed to adjusting. If you're going to live with another adult you need to be able to trust that he will treat her consistently kindly and with respect as a very basic minimum.

The comment about the furniture would really upset me. Thing is, you're only a few weeks in and he's behaving like a spoilt child when you'd be expecting him to be making a real effort. If it was a year or so, it might be easier to understand.

It sounds like you've been pretty easy going and understanding about how he may be feeling but the consideration isn't reciprocated.

I'm a lot older than you and one thing I've learnt over the years is not to give men behaving badly benefit of the doubt. One strike and they get a warning. Second strike and they're out otherwise it will run and run. Young women need to learn early on not to tolerate poor behaviour.

That's quite the leap. Why have you assumed he used the OP? He might have been perfectly happy to buy a smaller property and had sole use of it. He didn't need OP in order to buy a house. OP needed him, but you're not accusing her of using her partner as a meal ticket. Taking the deposit would be a really shitty thing to do.

Sorry if you feel patronised. Just pointing out that you've misunderstood. Reading comprehension is difficult for lots of people.

You've accused the OP of only caring about her beautiful home and not her DD and we're the bullies?

She would not have posted here if she wasn't concerned.

OP is sad and scared and you are being incredibly and unnecessarily cruel to her.

It's not helpful or kind.

“Your kid’s shit”?

He really dislikes your 3 year old child doesn’t he?

No no no this can't continue. My kids are loved at every turn. No way would I invite a partner to share them with if he wasn't 100 per cent on board.

He resents her.

It will get worse,

Save her and yourself make plans to leave tomorrow'.

Who is doing the leaping here? 😂😂😂

“Your kids shit” shows deep aggressive dislike. Move out. Fast. Sort it later.

Your poor wee pet.

Still you 🙄 and exposing your own lack of morals in the process.

The relationship when it comes to property purchase is a legal one. Morality doesn ‘ t come into it

There is no deposit to return as he paid it all.
When a relationship is short, both parties leave with what they put in, In OPs case, that's nothing.

What is this, "he used her to buy a house he couldn't afford on his own"?
That could also be applied to OP, but I don't think that's the case for either of them.
The fact he paid the full deposit himself, yet she is on the deeds rather shows he had good intentions. He took quite a risk as OP could have moved in, refused to pay her share of the mortgage and there isn't a thing he could have done about it.
Far from being calculating in using her. Just because he's having trouble bonding with OPs daughter, doesn't make him a bad person.

This is governed by property law, not family law.

Hope you’re not giving anyone legal advice

@DinosaurMunch You must be so proud of your reading comprehension

It's not her money and they aren't married. No court in the land would award her half of his deposit, don't be silly

@Josette77 Not accusing anyone, just amused that the child isn't priority in a first place..