Moved in with partner and I might have made a huge mistake…

[haveimadeamistake]

Moved in with my partner a month ago and I feel sick to my stomach that I’ve made a huge, huge mistake. I have a 3 and a half year old, he’s always been amazing with her but since we moved in it’s like a switch has been flipped. Some days he just won’t even acknowledge her, but others he’ll sit down and play puzzles with her or teach her things. I can’t deal with not knowing what version we’re going to get, I feel like I’m on eggshells and I hate that my daughter is getting this hot/cold treatment. He says he’s struggling to adjust to having his routine etc upended, and when I ask him if he can make more effort with her, he says that she doesn’t speak to him so why should he - she’s 3 and he’s a grown adult! To clarify, I don’t expect him to step into any sort of parenting role - I just want him to try and make an effort to make her feel welcome in her own home…

Weve had so many conversations about it, and it seems like he takes it on board but after a day or two, it’s back to how it was. I hate it. I feel like he sees her as a nuisance. I just feel like this situation isn’t what I signed up for, it’s not how he was before we moved in. Even things like his hobbies, he said he did xyz on Wednesday evenings and went to the gym after work - he’s done none of this.

I know 100% I need to put my daughter first, but I’m torn between whether that means sticking this out and giving her a beautiful home in a beautiful place (she’s just moved nursery and absolutely loves it here!) or cutting my losses and going back to it just being the 2 of us. To complicate matters further, we bought this place and I would be in no position to buy another property if we split - he paid 100% of the deposit so I have no equity in the house…

I just feel sick. I want things to get better. Also to clarify, he isn’t and never has been violent to either of us and that isn’t a concern I have. I just don’t know if he’s ever going to be able to get used to this being his new way of life!

You say you don’t expect him to have any kind of parenting role – right, well this relationship has an absolutely no future then, because you are a parent and a package deal. This is a no-brainer, get out of there and stop putting men and dreams of big houses above your child,

I think it’s great that you’re going to take swift action (I hope!) and get out. It obviously isn’t working out and leaving would be best from what you’ve said. Your dd is tiny, she must be extremely confused and upset. It’s no life for you, either, trying to make it all work. It clearly isn’t going to suddenly be roses and sunshine. I’m sorry, OP. Please see a solicitor about him buying you out or selling.

I’m going to go against what most have said, which I’ll be slated for, but I would sit him down and give him the cold hard facts about how you feel he is with your DD.
Playing SD is easy when it’s a few hours here and there, but living with a three year old 24/7 is bloody exhausting. I am in no way excusing his behaviour, but it’s an overnight shock and it’s been one month and it really is a huge adjustment. It’s different bringing home a tiny baby that becomes a three year old, but one being suddenly in your life 24/7 is massive.

I would tell him he has a month to get his act together or you want to split. Maybe he wants that too but unless you are very clear you won’t know.

Don’t feel embarrassed, mistakes happen to us all.

OP maybe I'm wrong but you seem a bit too passive in all this. You need to have a proper conversation with him and make it really clear that this situation is unacceptable and can't continue. Ask him what can be done to improve his relationship with your DD and how he can step up and be more present. It's understandable that living together is a big step and requires adjusting but he also needs to show you that he's doing what it takes to make it work and you're both on the same page supporting each other.

Because at the moment it's nor clear if it's the case of finding transitioning hard or whether he has no intention to actually change anything and is using that as an easy excuse to opt out of family life when it suits him.
You need to be able to ask hard questions and understand where you are standing because otherwise you will not know what to do and whether it's best to move out or work on relationship.

Stop letting him of the hook and explain that you need honest answers and plan of action if you are to stay together.

I hope OP doesn't say, as some are just waiting to attack her.

There's nothing a mother loves more than to find a perceived flaw in another's parenting. It allows them to feel they're doing such a good job with their own children.
We all do it differently. Some stay at home, others barely see their children for whatever reason.

We all have one thing in common though, we have no idea if we're doing it right or not, we just hope we are.

You need to read OP's responses. You can click on her op and read them all.

Yes she had her own rented flat. She works full time and can support herself.

Yes she has made a mistake, but unlike you she owns it.

You accused her of having a baby with this man and of being unemployed. You were wrong and did not read her responses correctly.

Maybe you should follow ops lead and admit YOU made a mistake.

He used the op to get a mortgage to a property he wouldn’t otherwise be able to obtain
And now is being so unpleasant to her tiny daughter that the OP Will have to leave.

Legally the property is owned 50/ 50, no Deed of Trust having been executed .

And I can’t see any moral obligation to return the deposit given the above. Cry me a river for the OP’s partner and his deposit 🤷‍♀️

Worst comes to worse do you have anywhere to stay?

What is your relationship like with your ex?

He could be overwhelmed with moving in with not only you but a child as well.

Kids are a lot and can be challenging for anyone who is usually used to having their own space after work.

It is concerning that it’s only been a month though and he’s already acting in a way that’s giving red flags.

I’m not saying he’s a danger or anything but there is a reason why when a child is killed it is usually by a step parent.
It’s something to do with evolutionary biology/psychology but basically some step fathers can be dangerous to step kids.

Abuse doesn’t always have to be physical and it’s concerning that he has called her a name already (which i’d previously missed).

Can you talk to someone in real life and have an escape plan ready, just in case.

Don't be so hard on yourself @haveimadeamistake. His behaviour has changed. You wouldn't have made such a big commitment if he behaved like this before. He thinks you are trapped and now his true colours are shining through. That's why abuse tends to happen in pregnancy or after you've had children because they think they have you trapped and cornered. Think yourself lucky, its a short term issue, you ditch him and move on. You will not have to deal with him for a lifetime because you aren't tied by children.

@PurpleSky300 i probably haven’t worded that well. I’d love for him to take an active role in her life and be a good role model for her. What I meant is that I haven’t forced that step parent role on him, or tried to pressure him into taking on any responsibility. I wanted him to build a relationship with DD at his own pace and of his own accord if that makes sense, rather than because he felt obliged to. I’m just sad that it seems like he just doesn’t want to, and I’m sad that he’s acting so differently now than before we lived together. When we bought the house, he said let’s make DD’s room a priority so it’s really special for her moving in, it’ll be a big transition etc. Fast forward to a week into moving in, and he’s huffing and puffing moaning about how he has to build all of ‘my kid’s shit’ like her furniture etc, which he promised to do. It’s like everything became a hardship. I’m trying to give him the benefit of the doubt and maybe he did think the idea of this reality would be fine, and it’s not. I just don’t know.

@Wonderi thank you. I think there has been a mixup between my posts and someone else’s, he hasn’t called my DD names.

dontcryformeargentina ·

No I wasn't. I am saying that the position that many women put themselves in is reliant on men to "support them ". Kids with no father present and left in really vulnerable position open to abuse and manipulation especially in new relationships. Self esteem really low, confidence really low. Vulnerable to any manipulation. I have seen it first hand in my work. Have you. I really hope you have not it is awful. Sorry its a fact,=.

OP. Your partner dislikes your 3 year old child.

Everything else is just noise

Sarcasm to a 3 yo. Nice.

The sound of this man chills my blood. Who ignores and is nasty and resentful towards a little 3 yo showing him her dolly?

He sounds like a fucking weirdo. Or at the very least an emotionally retarded and selfish prick.

Sounds like he knows he’s got you where he wants you and now his true colours are coming out.

Run is my advice, get your dd away from him.

Fast forward to a week into moving in, and he’s huffing and puffing moaning about how he has to build all of ‘my kid’s shit’ like her furniture etc, which he promised to do. It’s like everything became a hardship. I’m trying to give him the benefit of the doubt and maybe he did think the idea of this reality would be fine, and it’s not. I just don’t know.

Fgs, he has shown you exactly who he is, yet you 'still don't know'.

I despair with what I read on here sometimes.

Hi Honey

Did you see my posts? No more lamb!

I think the first step is asking for real life help.

Could you go to your bank and get some advice on where you stand if you sell etc? Do you get free legal advice with your account?

And do speak to your parents. It’s hard - but imagine how nice it will be to go back to the two of you again. You’ll find somewhere just as lovely because it will be free from aggro.

She has said – they've been together 18 months.

Sounds like he knew he needed your financial input and played Disney stepparent to get things over the line, but now he feels settled and things have completed thinks you're trapped and you're seeing his true face.

All 3 year olds can be hard work. It takes a type of person to actually be a dick to an innocent child deliberately. If he is like this now can you imagine how awful he will be when she hits the surly teenage years? You need to cut your losses and pull the plug on this or your daughter will be damaged long term and ultimately blame you.

I think you should move back out.
You do not need to be embarrassed. It takes enormous strength and courage to say "ok, it didn't work, I made a mistake but I can change it". You cannot stay with him because this will only get worse. It's the first month - it should be the honeymoon period. He can't even speak to your daughter.

Get legal advice regarding the property but you cannot expect to get any money out of the sale. He paid the deposit and you aren't entitled to any of that.

You need to leave OP - your daughter needs emotional stability - far more important than a beautiful house. His mood swings will confuse her, and make you anxious. The damage is far higher than moving and getting back on track. You can do this - it will be hard but SO worth it.

@lateatwork I did read the thread. OPs main concern is that the house is too beautiful to prioritise her daughter's safety.
You just have same values as OP

She’s legally entitled to 50% of the equity. Which includes the deposit Unless ringfenced which it doesn’t appear to be.

But that is not the case with OP as she has clearly outlined. Have you taken the time to o read her responses?

Read it again.... (Slower)