Moved in with partner and I might have made a huge mistake…

[haveimadeamistake]

Moved in with my partner a month ago and I feel sick to my stomach that I’ve made a huge, huge mistake. I have a 3 and a half year old, he’s always been amazing with her but since we moved in it’s like a switch has been flipped. Some days he just won’t even acknowledge her, but others he’ll sit down and play puzzles with her or teach her things. I can’t deal with not knowing what version we’re going to get, I feel like I’m on eggshells and I hate that my daughter is getting this hot/cold treatment. He says he’s struggling to adjust to having his routine etc upended, and when I ask him if he can make more effort with her, he says that she doesn’t speak to him so why should he - she’s 3 and he’s a grown adult! To clarify, I don’t expect him to step into any sort of parenting role - I just want him to try and make an effort to make her feel welcome in her own home…

Weve had so many conversations about it, and it seems like he takes it on board but after a day or two, it’s back to how it was. I hate it. I feel like he sees her as a nuisance. I just feel like this situation isn’t what I signed up for, it’s not how he was before we moved in. Even things like his hobbies, he said he did xyz on Wednesday evenings and went to the gym after work - he’s done none of this.

I know 100% I need to put my daughter first, but I’m torn between whether that means sticking this out and giving her a beautiful home in a beautiful place (she’s just moved nursery and absolutely loves it here!) or cutting my losses and going back to it just being the 2 of us. To complicate matters further, we bought this place and I would be in no position to buy another property if we split - he paid 100% of the deposit so I have no equity in the house…

I just feel sick. I want things to get better. Also to clarify, he isn’t and never has been violent to either of us and that isn’t a concern I have. I just don’t know if he’s ever going to be able to get used to this being his new way of life!

This sounds exactly like my ex (he was like this to our joint children). I left him because it was so damaging for them. Same as your partner when he was great he was great, but I never knew which version it would be. If he wasn't great it would be ignoring, one word answers, rolling his eyes at stuff they were excited about, shutting the door if they were upset. Unfortunately for my kids he's their dad but at least you can get out and your daughter will be fine.

The six hardest words to say in the English language are: I admit I made a mistake.

You can always find a place to live. Will it be as lovely or as expensive? No, probably not. But it’ll be more stable and less tense.
It’s okay to make mistakes. We make them every day. What’s important is acknowledge them and correct them — especially when they involve our children.
You’ll look back on this as a thing you did once and learned your lesson and thank goodness your daughter was young enough that it didn’t leave a lasting impression on her.
It’s okay.

That’s right.
@haveimadeamistake ‘s daughter is the sacrificial anode to the “ Beautiful house and man”
She will suffer.

follow your instinct and leave as soon as you can. It's not at all embarassing - what would be embarassing would be staying in this home with someone who is being hot and cold to a 3 yr old child.

Whatever you say, dear. 😊

Hi me again

Have been told I am nasty but really not true. Did you have you own flat/house before?

Wow. You are a peach.

Read the 🧵.

I’m sorry you’re in this situation, it sounds really disappointing 😔

I agree that it is good he is acknowledging the struggle he is having to adjust, but I would say he probably does not know what to do either which is why he cannot answer your question.
I mean, he can be torn between knowing that it is not working how he thought (if he did think, who can imagine living with a three year old if they have not done it?) and not wanting to end the relationship.

That said, OP, your primary responsibility is to your DD. Basically, it seems to me there are two choices

1- as someone said upthread, when DD is at her dad’s, have a conversation with him about how things can improve. Adjustment doesn’t come magically, he needs to want things to improve.

2- make the decision yourself that this is not what you want for your DD and indeed, yourself and then the conversation is about how to extricate yourself and undo the financial aspects of your situation. Don’t beat yourself up about this, just be practical and work out what needs to be done to separate.

I think you need to stop tip-toeing around the conversation you urgently need to have @haveimadeamistake. Sit him down and say that because of the way he's treating your child you now wish you'd never bought the house with him. If he gets upset at that and expresses regret, maybe you might get through this. But if he's still "meh" about it, start getting your ducks in a row. Sulking and the cold shoulder treatment are forms of emotional abuse and you shouldn't tolerate that for your daughter.

He’ll likely be hurting her on the sly.
I saw a friend’s boyfriend ( adult male) kick her little 3 yr old when he thought I couldn’t see him.

He too used to wind up the little girl.
Sadly friend had a baby with this gross man.

Awful.
Friend said “ But I love him”🤑

I bet he kicked the dog, too.

Sorry, I feel the need to post again after all the PP’s that are saying have a conversation with him, maybe it’s a big adjustment blah blah blah. Cannot for the life of me think of why people are excusing this man’s terrible behaviour.

He’s an adult, she is little more than a BABY! A small, innocent child. There is no coming back from this, believe me.

I was subjected to a “stepdad” from the age of 5. Who was mentally and emotionally abusive towards me. My mum was very young and vulnerable and he did all the usual charming stuff. The first time I met him he bought me a huge teddy that was about 5ft tall. But even then, I was suspicious of him. I never gave him a kiss or cuddle the whole time I’ve known him. And when he wangled his way into living with us (after only a couple of months and by stealth as most abusers tend to do) the mask fell bit by bit until I was being grounded for no reason, ignored, shouted at, called names, unsure what version he would be day to day etc. He used to batter my mum and then take me shopping for a big present for me to “make up for it”. I never knew whether I was coming or going and the gift giving gave me the huge burden of guilt because he did it every time he hit my mum.

I’m not saying your bf is abusive but if he is being like this with your toddler only a month into living together, it does not bode well.

Due to my childhood experiences, I suffer with mental health issues. I am also a social worker and this behaviour can escalate very quickly and turn into possible safeguarding issues. You only have to have a quick google of “mother’s partner kills baby” to see this kind of behaviour is the starting point to some very horrible outcomes for defenceless children.

You are your child’s advocate, please put her first and get her away from this man. I beg you.

You absolutely need to leave. You know this.

Jesus fucking Christ why are women so desperate for a relationship that they’ll put their own children through shit like this to get what they want?!

Take your child and leave, she is being emotionally abused in her own home.

To the posters saying he just needs time - no he does not. You do not wait it out for months or years, causing more damage to your children, while a fucking man child grows up and decides whether to be nice to your kid or not.

I hope the OP's "housemate" will become a lonely old man, who looks back on this time in his life when he could have had a family, and happiness, if only he had been more accepting of a little child. It's as if he sees a little 3 yr old as a threat to him and his "single" lifestyle.

@haveimadeamistake It would be wrong to take his deposit- He deserves that at least as he worked for it - plus you aren’t married.

Cut your losses and leave.

Or else buy him out - give him his deposit and half of any equity back .

Fed up of "he's my world. He is all of me. He completes me. No. Find yourself again. Also for you daughter. You moved in with him and made him your security, identity and who you are. He does not acknowledge you little daughter and you are confused? Upset? I would not accept that for minute and what does your daughters dad say. I do really feel for you but you have a wee child now it is not all about your needs but hers as well.

I did- he was jailed for domestic violence,my poor friend was hospitalised- but she still went back.

The 3 yr old is a Social worker now, bless her.

She didn’t deserve that Arsehole in her life.

Absolutely. Million percent agree but I have been called nasty as I called it out.

RTFT

It was actually really selfish to make your 8 year old suffer this so that you wouldn't be lonely. Even if it's all ok now (wait until your daughter's as adult before you really know that) you chanced her wellbeing for a year because you prioritised your new relationship above your child.

There was no need to introduce a step parent, no need for you to have another child with a different man, no need for another man to be involved in her life at all. It's only a good thing from your point of view.

You're surely not actually a teacher? You can't read the thread and your writing makes no sense.