Moved in with partner and I might have made a huge mistake…

[haveimadeamistake]

Moved in with my partner a month ago and I feel sick to my stomach that I’ve made a huge, huge mistake. I have a 3 and a half year old, he’s always been amazing with her but since we moved in it’s like a switch has been flipped. Some days he just won’t even acknowledge her, but others he’ll sit down and play puzzles with her or teach her things. I can’t deal with not knowing what version we’re going to get, I feel like I’m on eggshells and I hate that my daughter is getting this hot/cold treatment. He says he’s struggling to adjust to having his routine etc upended, and when I ask him if he can make more effort with her, he says that she doesn’t speak to him so why should he - she’s 3 and he’s a grown adult! To clarify, I don’t expect him to step into any sort of parenting role - I just want him to try and make an effort to make her feel welcome in her own home…

Weve had so many conversations about it, and it seems like he takes it on board but after a day or two, it’s back to how it was. I hate it. I feel like he sees her as a nuisance. I just feel like this situation isn’t what I signed up for, it’s not how he was before we moved in. Even things like his hobbies, he said he did xyz on Wednesday evenings and went to the gym after work - he’s done none of this.

I know 100% I need to put my daughter first, but I’m torn between whether that means sticking this out and giving her a beautiful home in a beautiful place (she’s just moved nursery and absolutely loves it here!) or cutting my losses and going back to it just being the 2 of us. To complicate matters further, we bought this place and I would be in no position to buy another property if we split - he paid 100% of the deposit so I have no equity in the house…

I just feel sick. I want things to get better. Also to clarify, he isn’t and never has been violent to either of us and that isn’t a concern I have. I just don’t know if he’s ever going to be able to get used to this being his new way of life!

Wow. That's fucking helpful. 🙄

They don't even enjoy raising their own.

This behaviour worries me slightly. Hot and cold behaviour runs deeper than he's adjusting.

She already said he was great with her kid until they moved in together.

I think it's just too much. 24/7 with a young child is exhausting, very different from lovely days out with a beginning and end.

Forgot to answer earlier, I work full time so luckily have my own income and parents who will help me out if need be.

I tried to have dinner with him without letting on that I’ve been upset. He apologised for being short with DD tonight without me bringing it up and I burst into tears. He’s said again that it’s just a lot to adjust to, but that’s literally it. He just barely says anything, even when I said I don’t know how things are going to get better he just said ‘mm’ and then nothing.

No that's the OP, Dexter77 was replying.

That was meant for @potatocakesinprogress

You wrote that he would not qualify for the mortgage on his own. Did that impact his decision making? Maybe he got swept up in the dream of a rosy future in a lovely house?

Trust your gut.

@haveimadeamistake you have made a mistake and it doesn't sound like he really wants to fix the situation. he is being passive aggressive and the impact of that is emotional neglect of your child (his, not yours). you need to get out asap.

He sounds like a big man baby to be honest.

Indeed. However, I’m talking about the fact that she thinks everyone else on the post is a total twat, when she is clearly the problem.

Did you miss that, as I felt it was fairly clear?

@azafata2 what are you talking about? I didn’t have a child with him?

Reported as very nasty.

And also BS - OP HAS a job, or she wouldn't be on the mortgage (ad she has also posted that she works FT)

Not to kick you while you’re down op but I think 18 months is way too soon. I think you already know this though.

i would look to sell. It’s not fair on any of you. He is struggling & so are you & your DD & I don’t think it will improve.

KlaraSundown ·

Thank you for your feedback So you would accept being totally reliant on another person to define you. Coercive control, money , emotional, sexually. No independence, no financial security as a woman. Relying on his moods to control you. Suffragettes were a 100 years ago. Maybe read up on it. I still find it hard to believe that women settle for crumbs for someone they have had a baby with. OMG.

Try reading the thread. 🧵

So positive, he acknowledged his behaviour was wrong. Negative, he isn’t coming up even with promises of change.

m As I said before, maybe see if he also sees the best solution as you moving out. If a lodger could cover your share of the mortgage that might ease things. But this problem is his too- if he’s not a monster but just struggling, he needs to be proactive to change things. Otherwise his emotional inconsistency is going to have a toxic lifelong effect on your daughter.

OP did not have a baby with him. Bad at reading as well as nasty?

@haveimadeamistake

Yes, you've made a mistake. Tell him it's not working and you're leaving. Then run. Fast.

It's not fair on your child to keep putting her through this

Shes only 3, so if you get out now, and don't do anything daft like this again, it won't impact her

Ah god, I’m sending love and I’m so sorry this is happening to you and your little girl.
You have to leave. It broke my heart reading that she’s confused and doesn’t understand his coldness towards her. Please don’t allow him to treat your child like this any longer.
I know it won’t be the best for you financially but your little girl deserves better, you’re her protector. You deserve better too. Xx

@haveimadeamistake

Sounds as if he 'charmed the child to win the mother', a strategy as old as time. Now he has you where he wants you he figures he can simply put in minimal effort with your child in order to keep you there. Not a happy thought. However, if you think saving the relationship is worth a 'come to Jesus' talk, then you'll need to be brutally honest with your misgivings and unhappiness. And say that you are contemplating leaving. Will it work? Who knows. And if you stay to see if it does, who knows how far you'll be into it financially and emotionally before you realize it hasn't worked.

He paid the deposit and the fees so I assume you're only 'into it' for a couple of mortgage payments? Personally, since it's only been a month I'd probably cut my losses, even to the point of signing the house over to him for a nominal sum (maybe equal to a month's rent elsewhere?) in exchange for getting my name off the deeds and the mortgage. Obvs if you've put more into the house in repairs, decorating, etc then you may need to consider recouping your contribution.

One other thing. If by chance you have joined finances I suggest you separate them, now.

If you do decide to leave, I'd contact your previous landlord and let them know that if the house should come up for rent again that you'd love to have it back. I'd make it clear you don't expect him to evict his new tenant, just if they happen to give notice.

Does DD go to her dad's every weekend?

If so, I wouldn't force anything this week. Focus on DD.

Speak to someone IRL- someone you can confide in.

Then plan to speak to him next weekend- when DD isn't there. Have a plan for DD in case it goes tits up fast (IE your parents, an extra couple of days with her dad...)

@AcrossthePond55 OP can’t just sign the house over to him - the mortgage company expect them both to pay the mortgage. He either arranges a mortgage solely in his name or they sell the house.

Just leave. A man who won't talk is a waste of time.

”It’s very hard to love another woman’s child “

Thats what I was told as a child (dad’s partner after Mum died)

Your partner sees your daughter as another man’s child and nothing to do with him.

Its all happening so soon- his resentment to your girl- that it really doesn’t auger well for the future.

Your poor daughter. You literally put her on the altar of having a man and a house. Does it really matter that this house is beautiful? The most important thing - you are ignoring her safety and allowing another adult to treat her badly.