Experience/thoughts wanted. Partner of 15 years slapped me out of nowhere

[Pickingausernameistricky]

Hi all.
My Partner of 15 years slapped me this week, we weren’t arguing just things a little tense and I made a sarcastic noise and he slapped me around the side of my face.
He left the room and when he came back was absolutely distraught, apologetic and upset at himself. He had never ever hit me before or made me feel worried or scared and I’ve known him for 25 years.
Has anyone in a very long term relationship ever experienced this as a one off?
Any tips on working through it?

It’s absolutely not ok and he is willing to do anything to reflect on and ensure he doesn’t behave this way again. We’ve talked through possible triggers, stressors and our own communication and how we can improve this but ultimately he hit me… and I’m not sure how to move on myself. I love him so much and our relationship aside from occasional disagreements is a wonderful one.

Once a man has hit a woman he will do it again.
Might be next week , might be in 5 years but if he's capable of it he'll do it again and you'll be on eggshells waiting.
Believe me , I forgave a slap round the face and three years later had a broken jaw.

You will never be fully comfortable around him again OP. You won't speak your mind for fear of provoking a reaction from him. It's scary that he reacted this way to such a small thing.

Don't tie your brain in knots working it out with him, dont comfort him because he is 'distraught'. Protect yourself and make plans to leave.

Oh that is very worrying OP.
The fact there was no obvious build up to it makes it very sinister. It sounds as though he is internalising a lot of anger towards you.
I wouldn't be able to trust him again. You have no idea when he will react in a similar way and once the boundary of physically hitting a partner has been crossed the violence will escalate.
I think you should regard the relationship as over, for your own safety.

Has there been any other incident or controlling behaviour ?

Does he give you the silent treatment ? Punch walls or furniture?
Have a strop if you do something he doesn’t like ?
Have you limited contact with friends or family ?

Unless there is a medical cause for this, e.g. he has a brain tumour, that can be cured then you have to leave or live in fear of when it will happen again.

I’m sorry op, I don’t believe all has been rosy until now.

I think you leave.

I’m so sorry, OP, but I agree with the others - you will never trust him again, and always be walking on eggshells. The only exception to this would be a medical situation.

He is not as he seems.

You do not work through it. He’s done this once and there is nothing to prevent it happening again.

The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none. He crossed that line when he hit you. Abuse is also not a relationship issue. Plan your exit now with due care.

Me too. It all escalated from there. First slap 8 years into the marriage.

I cannot imagine how you could ever fully trust him again. It doesn’t really matter whether he meant it or whether he is truly genuinely sorry. He has it in him to violently assault you, and you cannot erase that.

My advice would be to end your relationship. I wonder how many years you have been unconsciously suppressing your negative thoughts and feelings to keep him happy. I also wonder if this was a pattern in your childhood- keeping a parental figure happy.

Yes yes he was distraught when it happened. By now the minimising will likely have begun by both of you. There may be some grand gestures - flowers, a proposal, whatever. It's a well-trodden path.

If it's truly fixable it will require months to years of therapy to help him unpick whatever pattern led to that point. I doubt you will ever see him the same way again.

Edit as I thought it happened last night.

It sounds like he has a lot of hatred and anger built up inside for you, especially as there was no build up to the slap.

Not something that you should put up with or let go.

Would he be willing to handcuff and footcuff himself to the wall before and during all arguments from now on?
Thats the only way I'd feel safe around him. And if he is truly distraught and a decent guy he would understand that, put your safety first and agree to it.

Why do people hit others? Because they want to control them, scare them, make them be quiet, hurt them, overpower them, take on board their own bad feelings etc etc. there is no way a good guy does this.

At the very least he needs to move out for a bit while you think about things. If he's not willing to do that to help you feel safe then again he doesn't truly care.

Please listen to this op there are many (All) dv survivors that could tell you the same
Thing

I have seen a lot of posts like this.

I have never seen a post that goes along the lines of “My husband slapped me 20 years ago, got help, has never done it again”.

@Pickingausernameistricky I hope you are ok. The slap is the start of the end of your relationship. It's your choice as to when you end it, but I would recommend sooner, rather than later.

Whatever he says, there's no coming back from this. The news is full of women murdered by their partners. If they had left at the first slap, they would still be alive.

Depends on if the man can take it seriously and believes that any repeat and you'd be gone.
I did get hit once, alcohol was involved at the time with both of us. We did split up in the end due to his heavy drinking turning to alcoholism. I do conceed though that it never happened again. Maybe because I did split with him at the time, and he knew I'd have no qualms about splitting if it ever happened again.
If everything else is so great, last warning and mean it. But is it so great if a tense atmosphere leads to slapping?

Agree with this. Your relationship is over OP, or it should be.

You must be devastated op.

Will you manage financially if you separate?

Could you look into that?

I would also have a really thorough, honest evaluation if the relationship to yourself. This sounds strange to have come out of nowhere. Would counselling help you?

I know everyone is saying to leave, but honestly, if you have a wonderful relationship and have been together for such a long time with nothing pointing towards any kind of issue, I would genuinely give it more of a chance.

He can't just let it go, though. You can't just talk about possible triggers. He needs to see a GP, get referred for counselling etc. Whatever caused this needs to be addressed.

I always believe that people deserve a second chance - and without trying to minimise what people go through, a slap isn't too far down the spectrum of violent acts. I'm sure people will quote me saying no violence is acceptable, but I think you HAVE to look into it more as the man might need help.

If it happens again, of course leave. Make this clear to him so it doesn't come as a surprise. Make sure he's completely aware that this will not be forgotten, but as his partner you will support him to get the help he needs.

ManchesterLu. You may be well meaning but what you are saying is irresponsible. A line has been crossed. It can never be uncrossed.

As PP have said, many women are dead because they forgave. So sick of women being exhorted to forgive appalling male behavior

I'd be really concerned that he slapped you for something so minor. Not that any behaviour ever deserves a slap from a partner, but a sarcastic noise during a tense conversation is such a small thing to provoke violence that I would be scared.

I feel very very sorry for you OP.
Unfortunately it can never be undone.
He assaulted you.
You are a victim ovf domestic abuse and always will be.

He is a domestic abuser who has assaulted his wife.
No whining or wwhingingon his part can ever change that.

He has broken your trust and you will NEVER trust him fully again.

You can limp on if you like but eventually you will realise that what he has done has ended your relationship.

I really hope you do not have children?

If you do you should ask him to leave the home.
You should report him for assault.
That is the right thing to do for your children.

I am so sorry.
Tell family the truth.
Abuse thrives on secrecy.

Something precisely like that happened to me a long time ago. My then partner and I were talking (not arguing) and there was always a lot of cheeky banter between us. Out of the blue one day he slapped me around the face in the middle of one of our conversations - nothing bad had been said, just the usual humorous nonsense, and he admitted he didn't even know why he'd done it. I froze tbh, and the moment passed; everything supposedly carried on as usual afterwards.

But I lost all respect for him in that moment. We were together for several more years but I was a changed person, and I imagine he never understood why I changed. He never hit me again but it didn't matter, and when I moved on it was like he was nothing to me.

It took years for me to figure this out, and there were other things that happened that added to losing the respect, but that was the start of it.

OP, the shock will pass but he'll always been the man who hit you for no reason, and can you trust him never to do it again? He has changed you/your relationship. Without respect and trust, what have you got left?

💐