Experience/thoughts wanted. Partner of 15 years slapped me out of nowhere

[Pickingausernameistricky]

Hi all.
My Partner of 15 years slapped me this week, we weren’t arguing just things a little tense and I made a sarcastic noise and he slapped me around the side of my face.
He left the room and when he came back was absolutely distraught, apologetic and upset at himself. He had never ever hit me before or made me feel worried or scared and I’ve known him for 25 years.
Has anyone in a very long term relationship ever experienced this as a one off?
Any tips on working through it?

It’s absolutely not ok and he is willing to do anything to reflect on and ensure he doesn’t behave this way again. We’ve talked through possible triggers, stressors and our own communication and how we can improve this but ultimately he hit me… and I’m not sure how to move on myself. I love him so much and our relationship aside from occasional disagreements is a wonderful one.

See a GP? GP services are on their knees and you think its a good idea for a grown man to turn up and ask their GP what o do because they cant control their temper?

Why the fuck is it the DV victims responsibility to support him to get the help he needs.??? He needs help, but he can find it himself whilst he’s finding a new address

What age is he?

Behavioural changes can be a sign of neurological issues including dementia and many others. You and him have a think whether there have been any other changes and symptoms and if so, maybe check with the GP.

It's never OK, but actually a question for those who have been hit (I haven't, so I really don't know)...

In your instances, was the progression from, say, slap to punch a gradual thing, or was it direct from slap to punch?

I'm not condoning or forgiving it, but 15 years of (supposedly) a good husband IS significant. Is the trust ALWAYS gone? Can it be 'counselled-out'? Can it ever be forgiven?

15 years together, child, otherwise great relationship...

'Entitled to nothing'?

No, sorry OP, those things don't all add up.

I'd need to get my child away from him. I might feel able to deal with him myself, but I would never allow him to be alone with my child again.

I'm sorry op, I too think you need to leave as fast as you can possibly arrange it.

You also need to let someone in RL know what happened, a friend or family member if you won't go to the police. Have you checked whether he has a record of having abused anyone in the past?

I don't believe it came out of nowhere either.

The trouble is, suppose it's the child who makes a sarcastic noise next time. Suppose OP isn't there to defend them. Then what?

Or when that child grows to be a stroppy teenager?

I don't see how trust can ever be restored.

please promise me that if you do not leave him now, you take steps to do some training and if he hits you again you punch him back

I get your desperation to hold onto what is otherwise a good relationship, OP. It's easy for us all to say LTB, very different to do it when you never even saw the possibility coming.

But the thing is - the step from never having been violent, to slapping your partner for the first time, is a really huge one. The step between the first slap and the second is far smaller. No matter how remorseful he is right now, if he couldn't restrain himself from taking that first huge step, the chances of him being able to restrain himself in future are very, very low.

Obviously don’t do this OP.

Has he been paying into a private pension for you whilst you reduced your working hours to have his child?

Why hasn't he added you to the title deeds of his house so you are joint owners?

Why aren't you married or in a civil partnership if you have been together 15 years, so you have financial security as a mother?

I'm not sure he's as good as you say he is.

People don't tend to assault someone they perceive as their equal.

You did nothing to deserve this and it is not your job to discuss communication styles, rhymes or reasons. Refuse to be drawn into it.

He wouldn't slap his boss over a communication issue, would he?

Don’t add up in what sense? We’ve never married and I’ve always lived with him since I left my rented home.

This.
You are not married to him and your name is not on the house deeds. What possessed you to have a child in this situation? Please tell me you have a paid job?
The power imbalance is all wrong and he probably feels deep down that he can get away with treating you badly because you have more to lose than him if the relationship doesn't work out.

@Catoo only thing that stopped my dad hitting me as a child was me hitting back. not ideal but do not rule it out for stopping a prolonged beating
I know it is not the right advice but it might be the survivor adice

I meant to quote this. It didn't work for some reason.

Leave. Now.

Do you have joint savings? Joint bank accounts? Access to a family pot of wages?

Does he have a will?

They’re always sorry OP. He’s following the script to the letter.

You’ll remember this every time you argue or he’s in a bad mood and you’ll find yourself becoming smaller so you don’t do anything to provoke him.

You know you didn’t do anything to deserve this but you’ll spend the rest of your life feeling responsible for not letting it happen again.

Sorry @Pickingausernameistricky - I’m not sure this is recoverable. At the very least, he needs to move out while you think. Can he stay with parents or friends for a bit?

Do you not understand that you risked your life, health, and career goals in having his child and he didn’t think enough of you to try to cushion the risk? My dh snd I had very serious talks about health care decisions during labour snd we worked out the financing of our future and our child’s future in mind when we got married, bought our house, and took out life insurance to cover potential risks and losses due to injury or death.

OP, people are asking these questions because abuse comes in many forms, including financial.

Op. You are in a very vulnerable position.

Apart from the violence, when you split up, and you will eventually. You will have no home and no pension. Because of this you will tolerate far too much for far too long.

if your partner cared about you you would not be in this position. Why are you?

''He can't just let it go, though. You can't just talk about possible triggers. He needs to see a GP, get referred for counselling etc. Whatever caused this needs to be addressed.''

Nothing is a trigger to hit someone. Nothing caused this except him being violent.
This sounds a little bit like victim blaming.

It’s good advice. Sometimes you have do whatever it takes to survive.

I’m sorry you lived through that x

I agree with @StormingNorman that the very tininess, pointlessness, and mysterious nature of the supposed provocation means that OP will be forced to self monitor to an insane degree to avoid provoking him again.

“I don’t know why I did it” isn’t a useful excuse or a meaningful apology. Its more like a defiant gauntlet thrown down against accountability. He did it because something in him wanted to. And until he commits to controlling that part himself you are left holding the bag, responsible for avoiding any and everything that might release his violence. No more snorting derisively, sarcastically, or even when out of breath! What if he is unconsciously triggered again?

@Bumblebeestiltskin what doesn't 'add up' ?
She's not married , it's his house. She's entitled ti CMS that's all.